Something from W’s texts last week has been bugging me. I haven’t responded. Here to the boards for your ideas. I haven’t been putting much thought into it and am having a bit of difficulty articulating my thoughts.
A bit of background: one of my insights is that I have made a change from how I behaved at times in the M is I now realize that I was stubborn at times to a fault, to the detriment of our intimacy and W feeling heard, loved and valued. I have been addressing this in my life in an attempt to be thorough and make lasting change in how I show up in relation to others: assertive, flexible and strong with a backbone - and considering, “Am I being stubborn and trying to get my way without taking other perspectives and considering how I am impacting the other person?”
Last week, W texted me stating that my passive aggressiveness makes her so crazy that she doesn’t want to cooperate with me at all. She said I was being stubborn like usual. I had been coordinating some details with her about collaborating around S’s care. (She stayed with him here at our house while I went away for the weekend). I had discussed with her switching vehicles for the weekend (we own the vehicles together). W was being unclear about when she might be available to make the switch. I stated the times that would work for me and tried to agree to a clear plan that would work for both of us. I did not want to go over to her mom’s to make the switch. It would have been inconvenient for me and I have been staying away from there. I didn’t see my communication or behaviours with her as passive aggressive but I’d like to be curious and open to learning. I certainly don’t want to try to control anyone else. My intentions were to be clear and also to stick to my boundaries of giving W and her family lots of space (essentially staying away to protect my self respect). W was asking me to come over there and I stated that I was not able to.
We ended up agreeing to meet at an alternate location halfway between houses to make the switch and I thanked W.
In reviewing the DR book and other learning I have been doing (in therapy etc), I am working on being clear and asking for what I want with others.
I have not been asking much of W. I have been dialing my expectations to zero for a long time now. Also, I have moved away from analyzing every interaction with W and trying to avoid unnecessary engagement with her. Guys I am working to DB.
Should I have responded directly to her comments about passive aggressiveness? Would that be helpful, assertive? I wonder if this may be an example similar to Mr P’s recent experience inviting grandparents to Ds event and no matter what I did W would react.
