Looking for input..going out for a a walk with S after I post
I have declined invites this year from W and her family for dinners, holidays etc. It went against my instincts at first but is now my norm. This community has helped me stand for my self respect.
The other day W texted me about these upcoming holidays. She thought she and I had already discussed (we had not-this has been happening quite a bit where she has said we discussed such and such - no, no we haven’t). She proposed the idea of her coming over here for holiday gathering with our youngest kids and I - essentially inviting herself.
I haven’t responded yet.
I need to plan the holiday season for me and my kids. My needs and well-being through the holidays need to have a place of priority while ensuring my ongoing successful returning to work (going very well so far but I am feeling a lot of pressure from W).
I plan to make to simple. Ask my kids what they would most value. Make special times with my own extended family and have some time to myself and with my friends.
Last edited by DnJ; 11/16/2303:24 AM. Reason: Corrected typo.
Two weeks ago W was contacting you about how to divide up assets. And now she is looking to have a family gathering. Around Christmas and other special holidays, folks do miss and “want” that family time. Lots of reach outs and such, yet still pursuing divorce. It can get pretty mixed up for a couple of months.
I’d stay your course.
I like your plan of filling up your calendar with you, your kids, and your friends.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Your “kids” are adults and there is no reason to have this discussion at all. She can talk to her adult children about what they wanna do for the holidays.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
The other day W texted me about these upcoming holidays. She thought she and I had already discussed (we had not-this has been happening quite a bit where she has said we discussed such and such - no, no we haven’t). She proposed the idea of her coming over here for holiday gathering with our youngest kids and I - essentially inviting herself.
When you....... I feel..... If you..... I will...... If you continue ......
Or
I believe it is best ........
Has she came back begging and crying for you to take her back with true remorse? Until she does, you need to completely focus on DBing rules. You are making this way more complicated than it needs to be.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Something from W’s texts last week has been bugging me. I haven’t responded. Here to the boards for your ideas. I haven’t been putting much thought into it and am having a bit of difficulty articulating my thoughts.
A bit of background: one of my insights is that I have made a change from how I behaved at times in the M is I now realize that I was stubborn at times to a fault, to the detriment of our intimacy and W feeling heard, loved and valued. I have been addressing this in my life in an attempt to be thorough and make lasting change in how I show up in relation to others: assertive, flexible and strong with a backbone - and considering, “Am I being stubborn and trying to get my way without taking other perspectives and considering how I am impacting the other person?”
Last week, W texted me stating that my passive aggressiveness makes her so crazy that she doesn’t want to cooperate with me at all. She said I was being stubborn like usual. I had been coordinating some details with her about collaborating around S’s care. (She stayed with him here at our house while I went away for the weekend). I had discussed with her switching vehicles for the weekend (we own the vehicles together). W was being unclear about when she might be available to make the switch. I stated the times that would work for me and tried to agree to a clear plan that would work for both of us. I did not want to go over to her mom’s to make the switch. It would have been inconvenient for me and I have been staying away from there. I didn’t see my communication or behaviours with her as passive aggressive but I’d like to be curious and open to learning. I certainly don’t want to try to control anyone else. My intentions were to be clear and also to stick to my boundaries of giving W and her family lots of space (essentially staying away to protect my self respect). W was asking me to come over there and I stated that I was not able to.
We ended up agreeing to meet at an alternate location halfway between houses to make the switch and I thanked W.
In reviewing the DR book and other learning I have been doing (in therapy etc), I am working on being clear and asking for what I want with others.
I have not been asking much of W. I have been dialing my expectations to zero for a long time now. Also, I have moved away from analyzing every interaction with W and trying to avoid unnecessary engagement with her. Guys I am working to DB.
Should I have responded directly to her comments about passive aggressiveness? Would that be helpful, assertive? I wonder if this may be an example similar to Mr P’s recent experience inviting grandparents to Ds event and no matter what I did W would react.
I wonder if this may be an example similar to Mr P’s recent experience inviting grandparents to Ds event and no matter what I did W would react.
Yes. This is why she is going to divorce you. You're passive aggressive. If you feel you are then work on it. If you are not then don't give it another thought. In time you will not give these exchanges any thought. It is up to you when that will happen.
I think we ended up reaching a satisfactory respectful agreement but I read from her texts that she didn’t like how I behaved.
The real question is: Did you like, are you proud, of how you behaved?
Given that something is bugging you I’m surmising you are less than satisfied with your part in this interaction.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I had been coordinating some details with her about collaborating around S’s care. (She stayed with him here at our house while I went away for the weekend). I had discussed with her switching vehicles for the weekend (we own the vehicles together).
The heart of the matter is in the details. The devil is in the details. God is in the details. The first alludes to how solutions breakdown upon examination. The second, deeper examination provides opportunities and growth. Both are true, however I find the latter to be more exciting and feeds my hopeful and optimistic soul; so I tend to dig with that positivity towards betterment in mind.
How far away is W’s Mom’s house? An hour drive? Or five minutes? (I am thinking she lives rather close.)
It appears you suggested switching vehicles. Or did W ask to switch?
Why the switch? To facilitate care of son? Or was the other vehicle better suited for your weekend away?
Originally Posted by Rockon
W was being unclear about when she might be available to make the switch. I stated the times that would work for me and tried to agree to a clear plan that would work for both of us. I did not want to go over to her mom’s to make the switch. It would have been inconvenient for me and I have been staying away from there.
“I did not want to go over to her mom’s to make the switch.” To me, this sounds like the heart of things, and it’s less about inconvenience.
If you wanted the vehicle for your weekend away, you should switch vehicles at W’s convenience. Basically, at her Mom’s or wherever W says. If the vehicle switch was for son’s care, even more so. IMHO.
Originally Posted by Rockon
My intentions were to be clear and also to stick to my boundaries of giving W and her family lots of space (essentially staying away to protect my self respect).
Ah, intentions. They do sometimes lead to unwanted situation or destinations. It’s a good idea to be open to change, and continually gauge one’s efforts and path. Unintended events, occurrences, and such do pop up and being able to be less rigid in a formulated plan can make things/life much easier. Embracing uncertainty fosters such.
Boundaries are predetermined actions you will take when W (or others) behave in a certain pre-defined manner, usually some form of disrespect. Giving W and her family space is not a boundary. You are being dark/dim.
Originally Posted by Rockon
W was asking me to come over there and I stated that I was not able to.
To be clear, you were able to, you just didn’t want to. Yet you stated differently. And that is what’s bugging you.
God is in the details. Be accurate in thought and heart.
How do you think / believe you’d now feel if you had exchanged vehicles on her Mom’s driveway?
Originally Posted by Rockon
assertive, flexible and strong with a backbone - and considering, “Am I being stubborn and trying to get my way without taking other perspectives and considering how I am impacting the other person?”
How do you think you did?
Were you confident and flexible?
Originally Posted by Rockon
Should I have responded directly to her comments about passive aggressiveness? Would that be helpful, assertive? I wonder if this may be an example similar to Mr P’s recent experience inviting grandparents to Ds event and no matter what I did W would react.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Last week, W texted me stating that my passive aggressiveness makes her so crazy that she doesn’t want to cooperate with me at all. She said I was being stubborn like usual.
Yes, W would likely react. However, that reaction might/could have been more positive. W asked you to come over there. In hindsight, you likely should have just gone over and exchanged vehicles. Gone over with zero expectations, just to get your needed vehicle. Just been the new and improved you. That would have been a better demonstration of your changes.
Another, God’s in the details: W is angry and upset. She still has feelings. If she were done, she’d feel nothing. And she’d likely not even suggest you come over, she’d have arranged the vehicle exchange herself.
Rock, there is a nugget of truth in her words methinks. Dig into yourself and decide your path.
Are you proud of how you behaved? If so, good. If not, apologize.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
