Welcome to the boards. I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. I suspect you feel pulled in so many different directions.
I see you have the Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting books. Those are an excellent resource and have much valuable information.
I will paste a copy of Cadet’s welcome post below for your reference, which has links to plenty of good information as well.
It sounds like bomb drop happened sometime back in 2021. You and H had a long conversation / discussion in January 2022 in which he answered yes he’d like to be done. And he has done basically nothing to push ending things forward since then. I suspect it was around that time then when you and H then arranged separate bedrooms as well.
The following two years have become the past. Living in separate bedrooms, and somewhat separate lives. An equilibrium (or stalemate) situation between you two formed.
Originally Posted by Snowball
Mostly when he will say he wants out, wants a divorce etc, it is in the middle of an argument or the end and we are both very upset. He has never come to me all calmly and said it.
This is good to recognize. Consider things said when calm differently than that which is said when in the heat of the moment.
Do not bring up divorce as a topic in your conversations. If you notice H only said “yes” to your question of wanting to be done, which is different than actually promoting wanting to be done. As well, no need to reinforce or encourage H’s feelings/thoughts of divorce by initiating conversations about it. I know it’s difficult, however the more you seek confirmation of him not wanting out, the more you push him towards that very door.
It does sound like H is unhappy. He has a hole inside himself which he is trying to fill. And he is blaming / targeting you as the cause for his unhappiness. This is a rather commonplace relationship stress and problem. One or both partners expecting the other to make them happy and/or bring them happiness.
Thing is, happiness comes from within. Most folks try to find happiness through external sources. Presently H is looking for his happy feelings with younger friends, and various activities. He won’t find it there. At best, he will have fleeting moments of not being unhappy rather than true joy.
Originally Posted by Snowball
I just feel like I can't compete with all these other people. Our son, these women and even male friends. They all make him happy and I don't. it’s all about football, bowling, games, and work. Where do I even fit in?!
You are the wife. The prize. That’s where you fit in!
I understand, H is pushing you away. “They all make him happy and I don’t”, is not true. H’s behaviours and words are about him and his deeper unhappiness.
His activities are a distraction. A temporary band-aid for an unhappy soul. When alone in the dark, laying in bed, his demons will play. All his efforts leave him feeling hollow, which he cannot yet face.
Realize, you did not break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
H is captain of his ship. He needs to find his course and his happiness. Your best course is to minimize the target he is painting upon you. This is not walking on eggshells and tiptoeing around. Rather, it’s being confident and living your life. Focusing on you. Living for you. And letting H run to catch up. Letting the chips fall where they will.
One of the tenets of such a positive attitude and life are boundaries. Firm and premeditated actions you will take in the face of disrespectful behaviour. This is not punishment nor some manipulation or trick. Simply you controlling what you can control - you.
You can only control three things in this life. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
So, a boundaries most often has one removing themselves from the unwanted / disrespectful situation before it escalates further. One does not directly try to control or alter the offending party’s behaviour or words. However, it becomes very clear that you will not tolerate such behaviours and the onus is upon H to change, or not.
Originally Posted by Snowball
I have in the past name called, and been very disrespectful. I haven't acted like that in years. He brings it up from time to time and will say, you treated me like this for 20 years! It seems no matter what I do he's just siting there waiting for me to act like that again.
You’ve likely apologized for your past behaviour. And you are no longer doing that. Now, let it go. Forgive yourself.
H has noticed your change. He brings up the past, because it is some of his justification for his feelings and projection of unhappiness upon you. There is a mixture of thinking you will revert back to previous behaviour, and he does not want to acknowledge the new you for he would lose his “reason” and have to look at himself. Folks embroiled in unhappiness and depression also tend to rewrite their history to fit their current inner narrative.
Originally Posted by Snowball
he drinks 3-4 times/week, and right now he's been on the couch all morning. He is a huge Chrismas fan and I'm sure he's quite sad.
Yep, unhappy and depressed behaviour.
As I said, you’ve apologized and have changed. Do not go back to old habits. And no need to apologize again. When/if H brings this topic up: “H, I’m sorry you feel this way. I have acknowledged and apologized for my past behaviours towards you, and have treated you better for many years now.”
To the present conundrums:
Originally Posted by Snowball
[H] went to the club with some friends and was dancing with a women, touching her waste, grinding on her and slapped her butt 3 times. I WAS LIVID. I have had access to his ipad for 2 years and it’s been like an obsession to snoop. He has always talked to other women. As far as I know and what he has told me, he hasn't had sex with any other women. He talks and talks and talks with sooo many other people and women. He has said he doesn't feel safe to talk to me. I can understand that. He has been talking to a single woman since July and I just found out it is a daily thing. I don't see flirting or anything like that, but they do drink together, as far as I know they aren't alone together. She's one of the "guys" He's always been one to say there isn't anything wrong with men having female friends. Of course I've had an issue with this since day 1. There have been others, one who was a coworker who just turned 30. They still talk but not so much since she kind of ignores him. But the second she calls him, he jumps.
H’s behaviour is way out of line, disrespectful of you and your marriage. And has a rather creepy factor with a 48 year old man hanging out and fraternizing with a 30 year old (an almost daughter age) woman.
There may not be a physical affair or sex going on. However, an emotional affair looks pretty clear. Albeit that emotional feeling could be more one way. Her using H for money or drinks or whatever, and H feeling younger and such.
Both are using the other. Such is an affair. A band-aid, a symptom, of a deeper problem. Realize this has nothing to do with you, it’s about him.
Focus on you. Live and love you life. While H is partaking in such behaviour - no cake eating! Let the chips fall where they will.
Martial problem never get better by bringing a third person into the mix. You can be clear on your desired behaviours from H. And craft and enforce boundaries to that end. Then leave it alone, no nagging. GAL. Give H plenty of rope and agency to do what he will (since he will anyhow). Let him feel the loss of you.
Originally Posted by Snowball
I find out he took out a HELOC on our home and it seems to me that all my signatures were forged.
Yikes!
Snow, your are on two paths. There is the business path and the emotional/healing path. Good Divorce Busting does have one being aware and taking action on both paths. When dealing with business keep your emotions out of it, be business-like.
Get information on your finances. What accounts you have. Assets, investments, debts, etc. What’s joint and what’s solely in your name. Find out what bills and liabilities you have and are responsible for. Plenty of spouses have found out their partner got a credit card and ran up a huge bill without them being informed.
Get the information on this, or any other, loan against the equity of your house and/or assets. Find out how much of the loan has been utilized. And find out if H did indeed forge your signature.
Forging your signature is unacceptable. If that happened, you are going to having to straighten that out.
This bring up - speak with a lawyer. Forging aside, speaking with a lawyer is a good idea. You should find out your legal rights and options in this situation. Not to push any divorce forward, just gathering information is all. And knowledge is power. It’s a good idea to be prepared if things do suddenly go very sideways.
However, if some financial shady dealing have gone down, definitely get that fixed. Do not take on H’s financial mess.
Once you have a clear picture of where you are financially. What H has done. Then, if you need financial protection or security - get it. You are 48, worked and amassed a nest egg, and have to consider your future.
Originally Posted by Snowball
I want to be happy too. I want to be cared for and loved. I have no idea if HE will ever do that.
Your happiness is inside you, and not contingent upon H’s behaviour, mood, or proximity.
Care for and love you! Become the best version of yourself, for you! Make changes because you want them.
Focus on you. Give H plenty of time and space. Let him walk his path. You walk your’s. And love your life.
I look forward to speaking with you.
Hope you have a great day.
DnJ
- - - -
Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
