I'm a newbie help!

[Snowball]

oh boy where do I start?! I'm not sure how I stumbled upon the books but I bought them both around March 2022. Tried, failed, tried, failed. Fast forward to Oct 20 2023 and I find out he took out a HELOC on our home and it seems to me that all my signatures were forged. He also went to the club with some friends and was dancing with a women, touching her waste, grinding on her and slapped her butt 3 times. I WAS LIVID. I have had access to his ipad for 2 years and its been like an obsession to snoop. He has always talked to other women. As far as I know and what he has told me, he hasn't had sex with any other women. He talks and talks and talks with sooo many other people and women. He has said he doesn't feel safe to talk to me. I can understand that. He has been talking to a single woman since July and I just found out it is a daily thing. I don't see flirting or anything like that, but they do drink together, as far as I know they aren't alone together. She's one of the "guys" He's always been one to say there isn't anything wrong with men having female friends. Of course I've had an issue with this since day 1. There have been others, one who was a coworker who just turned 30. They still talk but not so much since she kind of ignores him. But the second she calls him, he jumps.

Issues he has brought up in the past, he wants us to completely stop arguing. We have always argued, ALL the time. I have figured out part of the reasons for me is I want to be cared for and I don't feel cared for so I badger and pursue constantly.
He has always said he wants to be listened to and validated. He has said he wants to be respected more times than I can remember.

I have in the past name called, and been very disrespectful. I haven't acted like that in years. He brings it up from time to time and will say, you treated me like this for 20 years! It seems no matter what I do he's just siting there waiting for me to act like that again.

So on Oct 21, I was so furious that I saw that video of him I just couldn't stand it anymore. (he has absolutely no idea I know or see any of his messages) I was obviously upset and asked him if I were to ask him to stop doing things that upset me, would he and he said no. So many conversations end up with him saying, well, maybe we should go our separate ways, this conversation was no different. He said he wanted the house, I said the same. I haven't pursued one time since. We have slept in separate bedrooms for about 2 years now and I used to go to his room, to talk, whatever. I haven't done that, not once. I have just left him alone and live my life. I have been talking to a coach I found on here for the past few weeks. I have been going to the gym every other day. Going out, dressing up, being to myself. Oct 22, he came to me to tell me that he wasn't going to be rude to me and ignore me throughout the house or not look at me(he's always been a huge stonewaller)
The only communication has been that he has told me a couple of times that I look nice, good night, have a nice day, have a fun time, have a great time, sleep good. Much of this is in texts. We both come and go and do whatever. That day he turned the location off of his phone and hasn't worn his ring since. (he has worn his ring off and on for the past 2 years)

Then Nov 12 came and he texted me at 7am if I was awake, I said yes and he wanted to talk. He said he wanted to make sure that I know that he is not having sex with anyone else. That he isn't hitting on anyone else or anything like that. I have no reason not to believe him. I told him that I was doing the same and will continue to. He gave me like 5 very long hugs and ended up kissing me. Later that day he was going to the bar with friends and one of them contacted me to see if I wanted to go. I went and asked my H what I should say and he immediately said NO. He said it would be awkward and uncomfortable for him and everyone. That we weren't going there as husband and wife. I didn't continue and said ok and left it at that. I didn't go. Told him to have fun. (I say this a lot to him because he has always said it and fun is important to him)

Fast forward to that evening, he came to my room to say good night, and to hug me. Very long hugs yet again. Then kissing, then touching like he was initiating sex. I paused, said I want it to be right and he agreed and nothing happened further. Said he was mentally stressed and refused to talk about it, I didn't press the issue.
The next few days he barely spoke to me, definitely hasn't touched me or hugged me since. I am pmsing and trying not to lose my sh$T yesterday when I came home at 2pm and he was supposed to be working from home. I found out that he was helping this woman he has been talking to since July move into her new house. There was another friend there to supposedly. I ended up calling him and played dumb and said I didn't see you, whats going on? he told me exactly what he was doing. I have met this woman and have her as a "friend" on social media. At that point I haven't snooped in 22 days. It caused me so much anxiety and stress that I just decided to stop. I have 2 medications for it and it was just doing me so much harm. Well, I lost it yesterday and looked at all the messages.
Things that were said "are you having a midlife crisis?" he said "No, I've spent 2 decades allowing myself to be told what to do. I'm over that sh$t." she asked about him having a coming out of marriage party, he said "Yes!! we've already started the talk." She is giving him advice on how to blow his $ now so he doesn't have to give it to me, go be happy, blah blah. She was engaged and broke it off at the beginning of this year I believe. He told another person "Snowball and I have decided to go our separate ways, probably file after the holidays"

It just doesn't seem like anything I do is helping, working or making any sort of impact. I keep getting asked, if I even want this marriage and honestly, I don't even know anymore. We both have been so unhappy for so long. Him it seems more so.
He's best friends with our 18 year old son, even told me during the conversation last SUN, that he is his "person" I'm glad they have a great relationship but that really was difficult to hear. I want to be his person! I feel like so much of this went downhill because of covid. I used to bowl on a league with him and I quit 2 years ago. He continues to go without me. I have always wanted the one on one time, dates and that sort of thing and he rather do fun, group things and I was just over it. I've been called needy, I should get some friends, and get a life. Well, I've been doing just that!

Other things I probably should mention, Jan 2022 we sat down had a long discussion and I asked him if he wanted to be done, he said yes. We discussed a few things never made any formal plans and never really spoke much about it since. He immediately called his realtor and went house hunting 2 days later. he actually put in a few offers I believe in the 18 months since then. They got rejected and it just never panned out. The housing market in crazy right now. Mostly when he will say he wants out, wants a divorce etc, it is in the middle of an argument or the end and we are both very upset. He has never come to me all calmly and said it.
Things that may be relevant. He was legally married when we met. I was 21, he was 22. They lived in another state, stop being together and I met him 10 months later. He never told me he was married. I found out 18 months later because he ex sent divorce papers in the mail. That has always been something that has stung and just unbelievable to me that he couldn't tell me. That's the way he is. He also had an emotional affair in 2006. Our son was only 1 then. It was a rough time. He cut all ties and we moved on, or maybe we didn't because here I am.

I just feel like I can't compete with all these other people. Our son, these women and even male friends. They all make him happy and I don't. its all about football, bowling, games, and work. Where do I even fit in?! he drinks 3-4 times/week, and right now he's been on the couch all morning. He is a huge Chrismas fan and I'm sure he's quite sad. I just can never go back to the way we used to be. Arguing all the time, me pursuing, but I want to be happy too. I want to be cared for and loved. I have no idea if HE will ever do that. Thank for you reading this and any help is appreciated.