Hi mate. Don’t take my bluntness the wrong way, but sometimes people need it laid out nice and clearly to grow.
That's OK, that makes sense to me, and I appreciate your honest opinion.
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My wife started becoming angrier and angrier (she has a huge voice), started leaning across the table and shaking her finger at my daughter in a physically aggressive manner. I was afraid she was going to make a public scene and possibly throw something. So I physically leaned across the table between them and said we needed to de-escalate and have this discussion later.
Originally Posted by Kind18
You were a weak man. I sense you are afraid of your wife and trying to keep the peace.
Yes, I was definitely trying to keep the peace. I'm trying to be introspective here about fear of my wife; I know I don't care much about her approval any more, but I was definitely afraid she was going to make a public scene by yelling and possibly throwing utensils or something. I was definitely afraid of public humiliation from that possibility.
Originally Posted by Kind18
The solution here is very easy - get up, take your daughter, and leave. No talking, no arguing, no negotiation, no de-escalation. Just leave. Actions speak louder than words. All you did by trying to de-escalate is teach your wife that you’ll allow her to treat you and your daughter poorly.
I like that idea. You're right that she knows she can get away with that behavior with me regardless of my insistence to stop it. I know if I had done that she would've tried to "make me pay" at home with even more anger and insults than I actually endured, so I'd have to prepare myself for that and seek an escape.
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give ourselves the freedom to date other people if we want.
Originally Posted by Kind18
Big mistake. What you did here is give her a green light to continue being a cheat and a liar. 100% guarantee she’s now telling her friends and family and colleagues that you’re divorcing because YOU wanted to try dating other people.
I'm pretty confident I'm safe on this one though. NOBODY that knows us will believe that it was my idea to end our marriage. Her siblings are already reaching out to me to offer support because they know how their sister can be. She expressed some fear to me that everybody will know she's the one who broke us up, including our kids, and I'm starting to see that. But I'm not saying anything about it to anyone since I'm not trying to set myself up as a victim.
I've already accepted the idea of her dating other people and I don't think she'd try to hide anything now (unless it was with someone I knew and might be disturbed out for some reason). I plan on doing the same. I don't consider that cheating since we're legally separated and have discussed it quite a bit, and I've told her I'm not pursuing saving our marriage.
Originally Posted by Kind18
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It was at this moment when I decided I was no longer interested in saving my marriage, no matter what.
So it wasn’t until after you agreed to separate that you decided you didn’t want to save it?
That's right, since I know separation is easily reversible. But seeing her post-separation behaviors has convinced me that I can't live with her for the rest of my life.
Originally Posted by Kind18
Are you 100% sure this is what you want? What if she changed her mind tomorrow and begged for you back, would you continue the divorce yourself?
Yes. Earlier, I would've been willing to accept her back if I was convinced she was a changed person after therapy, or fixing chemical imbalances, or whatever has caused her to go-off-the rails. But after she admitted cheating a second time, and that she couldn't guarantee she wouldn't cheat again, that was a deal-breaker. Then the lunch with our daughter was a super-duper deal-breaker.
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But I want peace for myself too. My stress is off-the-charts. If I could just move out, I would do it, but it would cost at least $1K/month for my own apartment.
Originally Posted by Kind18
Why should you leave? She’s the one who has cheated, TWICE. If you want some peace, be a strong man and get what you want. Tell her she has to leave.
You're right, I like it here and don't want to leave. I shouldn't have to leave. I don't feel I can just kick her out though until she has a place to go. I actually have a lot of compassion for her emotional pain and want to make sure she's OK. We were together for over 35 years and she's the mother of our three beautiful adult children. They are frustrated with her issues too, but they love her and want her to be safe. When we filed for separation, she could've hired an attorney and insisted on wrecking me financially (this is a no-fault state so her infidelity doesn't matter), but she didn't insist on any formal financial agreement. She totally trusts me to be financially fair. Ideally we will figure out a way for each of us to live separately without hardship for either of us.
Originally Posted by Kind18
On the surface based on your narrative, I see a man who is coming to grips with divorce and looking to an amicable split. But what I see under the surface is a weak man who’s playing second fiddle to a very controlling and dishonest bully.
I'm sure there's a lot of truth in that. Yes she was disrespectful, controlling, and dishonest. But she would never try to hurt me financially or other extreme ways. For one thing, she'd never want to risk being "disowned" by our children if she did something really dirty to their dad (for what it's worth, only our daughter knows that some infidelity existed). At least I'm glad she voluntarily told me about the second affair, since I had no idea.
My plan is to "do my own thing" from now on and quit playing second-fiddle.
