Heard through the grapevine that W is basically blaming me for everything. She's telling anyone that will listen how stressed she is about money, finding a place to live, all the house showings, car having issues, driving son to some practices, etc, and that I'm 'not helping at all'.
Of course she is. Her negative emotions toward you are driving everything she says and does. My W is doing the exact same thing. I am the worst thing that ever crawled out from under a rock, according to her. Yet she publicly says how much "respect" she has for me.
In fact, she has so much respect that she bought our son Taco Bell for dinner yesterday and then spent most of the night with her new boyfriend.
As for your previous post, it isn't odd at all that she isn't showing remorse. That's because she feels none. She is convinced that she is right on everything and you are fully in the wrong.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
Heard through the grapevine that W is basically blaming me for everything. She's telling anyone that will listen how stressed she is about money, finding a place to live, all the house showings, car having issues, driving son to some practices, etc, and that I'm 'not helping at all'.
Of course she is. Her negative emotions toward you are driving everything she says and does. My W is doing the exact same thing. I am the worst thing that ever crawled out from under a rock, according to her. Yet she publicly says how much "respect" she has for me.
In fact, she has so much respect that she bought our son Taco Bell for dinner yesterday and then spent most of the night with her new boyfriend.
As for your previous post, it isn't odd at all that she isn't showing remorse. That's because she feels none. She is convinced that she is right on everything and you are fully in the wrong.
Yep, it's amazing isn't it. Funny too, a mutual friend also told me that she just got her student loans forgiven. $170,000. I/we paid on that for 6 years, and I begged her to look into that forgiveness program. She never did. Of course it coincidentally worked out for her that she got it forgiven just in time for the divorce to be final, meanwhile I'll still get to pay on mine!
I assume that her mentality will never change. Not that I care much. But when we move out, if she struggles in any way, shape, or form, it'll be my fault somehow. If she does great, it'll be because she made the decision to divorce.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Unfortunately not much has changed. We still have not gotten any legit offers on the house, and just had to reduce the asking price. Ugh. Have a few showings lined up for this weekend though.
I've found a house I like, but can't get approved for anything until we get an agreement on our house. Seems like we missed the buying/selling frenzy by 2 or 3 weeks.
W and I are rarely communicating, unless it pertains to the house or our son. I just want this to be over already.
Mentally, I think I'm doing ok. But then, like last night, I'll have a dream about her and I, or our family, and wake up in a panic and feel like crap for a few hours. In a way, the last 6 months have felt like a dream.
I can almost feel depression setting in. I absolutely hate winter. I hate the cold, the darkness, etc. Most of the hobbies I enjoy can't be done in the winter, so I can already see myself sitting in a dark, empty home in a month or two. Especially with the holidays coming up.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I’m going to skip to your last paragraph T. I care about you. We care here. Winter is coming and this is a huge life stressor. Please fight back against depression. get outside in natural light. Get artificial light. Socialize with fun people who love and care for you. Exercise. Depression is not a joke. Schedule therapy and keep your doc in the loop.
Winter certainly has more dark hours than summer. And with daylight saving time, well here anyhow, it’s now dark around 5:00pm. Time the winter solstice arrives sunset is 4:30pm, we have over 8 hours less daily sunlight than in summer. Of course, the stars are out much earlier. So that’s kind of nice (when not too cold).
Rock is right. Folks do care about you. I know how depression masks that “known” truth. Well, more ignores than masks I suppose.
Keep active. Bundle up and go for a frosty walk. Look up, look at the stars.
When you have enough snow, go tobogganing with S12. We’ve got a good hill nearby that the kids loved. A thermos of hot chocolate, an afternoon of sledding down and climbing back up. Worn out and exhilarated. Good wholesome fun.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks for the kind words guys. I'll probably am/will be depressed, but I know I'm mentally strong enough not to have any kind of breakdown. I can't afford to.
Had another open house this morning. 12 groups of people came to it. I predict an offer within the next few days. The bad news is, the house I had my eye on just went contingent.
W left her Ipad open on the table, and when i glanced at it there was one of those pathetic pictures of a 'divorce cake'. Some garbage written on it like 'I do. I did. I'm done. Finally free!' I think she texted it to a friend. I should have taken a snapshot of it to save and show our son if/when he ever blames me for any of this. What kind of sick piece of scum would celebrate destroying their family?
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Hey Terapin - Sorry to hear about your desired house falling through. Tough market right now. I'm looking to go the apartment route so that I've got more time than chores to worry about if/when D ultimately occurs.
The divorce cake is tacky and childish. It's a continuation of acting out, trying to show herself and others how "great" (and "right") her decision is for her. If you're confident it's right, you don't need a cake to tell you IMHO. This is the problem MWD discusses related to society normalizing divorce. I'm glad to hear you didn't lower yourself to take that picture. As a child with divorced parents, my experience is that kids generally see each parent for who they are. Keep working at being the person you want your kids to see and role model after. As Rock and DnJ suggest, the power of this group of anonymous supporters is that we do care and want to help you how we can.
It is frustrating, sad, and angering to be sure. You're right to feel any and all of those things. I hope you'll not give them too much more time to live in your head. I'm sure you've got 2-3 things that work for you to shift your perspective toward doing something positive and healthy for yourself.
We accepted an offer on the house yesterday. Unfortunately, was below asking price, which is really going to hurt me in buying a new place. I wanted to put in a counter offer, but our realtor said this was probably the best we could do. W gladly accepted the offer. Whatever, at least it's over.
W went on an overnight 'girls trip' yesterday, so I told our son last night that the house has sold. He was a little upset, but seemed to take it well.
I do want to apologize for not being very active on other threads here. Especially this past month, between work, constantly leaving the house for showings, etc it felt like I haven't had 5 minutes alone to do anything. But thanks to the people kind enough to post on my thread. It means a lot.
A good, mutual friend (who my W no longer speaks to for some reason) asked me the other day, 'seriously, if W came to you and said she's sorry for everything, wants to work it out, etc, what would your answer be?'
I told her that the day after BD, W and I were talking and she brought up how a kid in the wrestling programs mother called me one day and asked if I could take her son to an event. W said that if we weren't married, she would never think to ask me that, because I'm 'not the type of person she would be friends, or even friendly with'. I've thought about that conversation for 6 months, and never really understood how or why she could say something so hurtful. But it makes sense now.
Despite part of me that still loves her, I finally realize that the feeling is mutual. Not only do I not want to be with her anymore, but if not for having to coparent, I'd never want to even see or associate with her again. Forget how she treated me for 20 years. Forget losing our home, forget the pain and suffering she's caused our family, friends, etc. I have zero regard for anyone that walks out on or neglects their children. I put her in a similar category as the druggie, who's kids are starving because the parent spends the money on another rock. Or the parent that chooses to work 80 hours a week, and misses their kid growing up. Someone that walks out on their kid, just in hopes of finding their (ever changing) 'happiness' is IMO a selfish piece of garbage.
So my answer to my friend was 'finally, after 20+ years, there is nothing W could ever say or do that would make me want to associate with her, let alone be in a relationship with her'.
Everyone here says this journey is about saving yourself, not saving your marriage. For any newbies who may read this, listen to the experts here. The goal is to save yourself. Save your children. If the marriage can be saved, great. But it shouldn't be the ultimate goal.
Peace
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I’m sorry your house sold for less than you were anticipating. Realtors usually have their ear to the ground and know if the offer is a good/fair one or not.
With your known portion of the equity, down payment, you can now determine how much of a mortgage you can be approved for. Hopefully, the lesser selling price doesn’t hamper things too much.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Divorce busting, in the context of saving yourself, is learning that you deserve so much better than this selfish POS person.
Quite often, love is like an addiction. We keep going back to try and make it work because it makes us feel good to keep things the same, but what we’re really doing is continuing to go back to something dangerous and unhealthy.
The thought of my ex suddenly flipping the script and saying she wants back in makes me feel physically sick. While we have kids together and we need to co-parent, I want nothing to do with her whatsoever beyond that.
I don’t really understand people who say they love who their ex “used to be”. That’s not the definition of love - love is accepting someone completely, with all their flaws. You can’t love who someone used to be 10 years ago, because that person wasn’t really there and has shown their true colours.
Time to move on, knowing that you’re better off without this bad addiction!
