Not new, just starting over, again

[clarity]

In about two weeks I will be divorced. I filed the paperwork, not him.
Up until about a month ago, I told him that I would be willing to call off the divorce if he would go to counselling with me. I told him that he could even choose the person. But he told me that he likes who he is, and that I am the one with the problem and that I am a foolish woman. So here we are.
I have spent years and years working on myself, our marriage and trying to salvage the mess.
The problem was that he was never 100% invested. For many years he continued to lie, and refused to do the work. He had a three year long affair, and abandoned our family, and I still took him back, because I believed the words and hoped that we could have a fresh start. We had several "fresh-starts" and each time he continued with the half truths and broken promises.
We have been separated for almost 8 years, he lives with his mommy. And that is a whole other story in itself. She is thrilled to have her son at home to do her bidding and keep her company. In many ways I feel like I have been replaced again by another woman.
So why am I bothering to come here and to write all of this stuff?
It's because I never wanted a divorce, I wanted to salvage my marriage and I had hoped that after 38 years that I was worth fighting for. I feel as though he jumped through hoops for the other woman, but I got the crumbs. I feel that I am second best, and that I will never be enough to fight for.
I wanted my happily ever after, and it makes me incredibly sad that he is so complacent, living with his mother, and doing absolutely nothing with his life.

[DnJ]

Good Morning clarity

My goodness H, STBXH, is certainly out in the weeds. Again. Still.

I'm glad you popped in for an update. You've had quite the journey, spanning many years. And, of course, your path continues. You have survived. You have thrived.

I wanted to salvage my marriage and I had hoped that after 38 years that I was worth fighting for. I feel as though he jumped through hoops for the other woman, but I got the crumbs. I feel that I am second best, and that I will never be enough to fight for.

(((Hugs)))

Now, please listen.

You are worth fighting for!

You are not second best. You are the prize!

H is a lost soul who cannot see, nor find his way. Do not equate your worth to his behaviors/attention, or lack thereof. Ever!

You fight for you! You live for you!

I wanted my happily ever after, and it makes me incredibly sad that he is so complacent, living with his mother, and doing absolutely nothing with his life.

I understand and empathize.

I so wanted my happily ever after as well. Interestingly, I have it. Sure, I'm divorce. Yet, I live my values and convictions. Stand for me, for who I am. Happily ever after turns out to be about ourselves, how one lives, not one's relationship status.

H sounds really stuck. He did peek out of the tunnel for a while, then darted back in, and ended up moving in with his Mom. Unfortunately, and like others said before, his Mom will feed his ego and narrative, and she is not in any rush to have him move out.

You hit the nail on the head. Complacent. H is complacent living with his Mom. He likely has a non-critical, disingenuous satisfaction with his life. Like a house of cards. Perhaps unrecognized or unwitting, yet still complacent.

That is much different than content. Contentment has a wholeness of self about it. A sincerity. Self awareness and growth. A solid foundation. One lives more their steadfast beliefs than their fleeting feelings. Of course, one has to know and realize their convictions before they can live them.

Complacency breeds apathy and stagnation. H is not looking inward. Not working. Is still blameful. And rather an angry fellow, calling you a foolish woman. Sheesh, what a troubled soul.

You did the work. Invested years into yourself. Allow the stirred emotions of divorce to extinguish. Walk your path and your convictions. Wholeness and healed, peace and contentment, you will have.

DnJ

(By the way, I've locked your other threads to help with organizing follow up posts and responses.)

[clarity]

Thanks DNJ

I should write a book, nobody would believe my story.

I do want to say that throughout this craziness I have done some pretty awesome things for myself.

I went back to school, started a business, sold my business and now have another career. Two weeks ago I walked my daughter down the aisle when she got married. I have been travelling and have been spending some quality time with my adult children. I took all of them and their significant others to Maui a couple of years ago. And the kids and I have been making new traditions for the holidays.

So those are the positives. And I am proud of them.

But sometimes, not always, but sometimes, I am incredibly lonely because there were so many plans for the future, travelling, growing old together, etc. wanted so much for my marriage to survive.
But if I have learned anything, it is that we cannot control anyone. We can't make anyone do anything that they don't want to do. And that's a hard pill to swallow.

[Boat14]

Wow you have had quite the journey!

We can't make anyone do anything that they don't want to do. And that's a hard pill to swallow.

This statement sounds very concerning. Have you spoke to a professional about it?

[job]

You have had quite the journey. Writing down your thoughts and the events that have transpired in your life may help open your eyes to the fact that, like many of us, we tended to turn a blind eye to many of our xs' faults.

He may never come to terms with his issues and live out his life as an "old" teenager looking for that illusive brass ring on the merry-go-round. The best thing you can do is leave him to his life and whatever mistakes he makes, he will need to own them and not blame you or the marriage for the consequences.

You have come a long way and I hope that you will continue to post and allow us to travel with you as you continue to grow. Always try to remember...it's not our responsibility to make others happy. Happiness comes from within. Our job is to continue to grow and be satisfied with the person we become as we travel the road called life.

Keep up the good work.