Not Lost Anymore!Being the best version of ME!

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Kind for the above words above. I know what you mean.
Kids and I went away for the holiday weekend for 3 nights with some very close friends and all their kids. Everyone had an absolute ball kids and adults. Was a little hard because this circle of friends H used to come along too and we have done it for years so this one did sting a little but our hearts were full.
H has generally been ok with me, friendly talking a little we have had a few small moments of both of us opening up a bit and a few hugs. Even talked a bit about an aa meeting he went to where they mentioned how hard it was when you stop drinking and the emotions return
When I returned with the kids today it did go a bit pear shape I am not sure if it was something I said or not but the roller coaster he is on continues. He had decided to stop drinking but obviously slipped up over the weekend. I just said “ that’s ok don’t be hard on yourself just dust yourself odd and try again” he admitted he was a bit hard on himself the following day and regretted it. Talk shifted to his move and he is moving to New Orleans ( it was either there or Chicago but he hates the cold and loves music). Not sure I would go to such an unsafe city but that’s his choice. I did make a wrong comment by saying that’s such a long way away from us all and he just said something about we will get trips to Disneyland out of it. He then gave me a really big hug and I commented stupidly “ I can’t believe I won’t be seeing and hugging you much longer the day you leave will be a hard day”. Look I know I should be hugging him but I wanted to,plus he wanted a hug too and was hugging me soo tightly. I do still actually love this man and can see how hard he was on himself this morning for slipping up with his drinking. I had also apologised for something I realised this long weekend I had done to him many years ago on a similar weekend away and how I begged him to join us even though he had to work online for a major project. He did come and worked at the same time but reflecting how many years later i see how wrong that was of me and I wanted to apologise to him. He really appreciated that.
About a hour later I returned home and he was gaming and then I noticed he started to change and his demeanor then got really angry. He started to shut himself off and said he needs to be away from us and needs to be alone for the rest of the day. He said it’s been “ too much emotionally” lately and I just keep going and don’t let up. I remember it differently and he was the one who wanted to open up and talk and listen but all of a sudden it’s all my fault again
I still don’t know what I said or did that flipped his switch so bad but safe to say I am certain its not me. His failure at not even lasting a week on the drinking, his reality of moving, his inability to manage his emotions.he really isn’t a well man emotionally. Feels like he has no emotions too he wants to open up then begins but then shuts off. Has apologised with tears for certain things then back to robot mode. I am trying to encourage him where he needs it. Told him I was proud of him regardless. Proud of how I know he will do incredible at his new role, proud of his non drinking ( that one came back to bite me obviously haha )
His world is falling apart around him and I am still just showing him unconditional love where I can and just standing where I can. Privately it still hurts seeing this man in so much turmoil and nobody can help him. He’s not very well supported by his family they tend to just be amicable and not get involved. I’m still getting on with my life but my intuition is telling me our story isn’t done yet, we certainly can rebuild if he chooses to and he just needs to get off his roller coaster on his own. If he doesn’t it’s not my fault at all but I keep reading and re reading divorce busting and still believe I have love and where i have love I have hope. At least now my expectations are gone and I put myself annd the kids above all else.Every word every conversation I expect zero now with H when I used to hang on every word.
Anyways it seems he is telling the kids soon as they want him there in January. He has been putting it off since September telling them I don’t know why ( blaming the visa not coming through). On one hand he says “if I hate it I’ll come back” then on the other in his bouts of anger “ I am not quitting before the two years I promised them”. Hello Jeckyl and Hyde.
I know my real H is in there somehwere behind this current state. I just hope he can break again one day. For his own sake.
I’ve still got the strength for this, albeit I am just far more balanced now. Can I outlast his crisis I don’t know time will tell. But for now I am just focusing on me.its been a tough 11 months since bd and I am so much stronger than I thought. I don’t think I’m done with H yet. Even the EA hasn’t deterred me. I do believe if he pulls himself out of his hole we can start fresh and rebuild a whole new amazing relationship where we both respect each other so much and learn so much.
Thanks for letting me vent again. The different “faces” of a MLc man are truly horrible