So I am drafting an email to propose an updated arrangement.
I will propose that I formally take over mortgage and utility payments and W provide child support to me.
Is this email to send to W or a formal request to the lawyer? If it’s for W, perhaps it’s better coming from the L.
Originally Posted by Rockon
[D] didn’t specifically ask me not to tell W but didn’t say she wanted me to.
Ask daughter if she has expectations or wishes of you. Strengthen your bond and demonstrate you always have her back and support her.
DB, integrity, principles, your convictions, do not get cast aside during upheavals and significant life events. I’d say one upholds, or should uphold, those tenets even more during such times.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ et al, I am revisiting finances after L meeting.
I have made it clear to L that I want to keep the house to best support S’s needs. L will draft up recommendations for me with a number of scenarios/ hypothetical outcomes. Goal to avoid court and open to mediation. Discussed some creative approaches to elicit cooperation from W in keeping the house til I can hope to buy her out.
L said that it’s not realistic or fair to expect W to pay 1/2 mortgage and utilities over here because with her limited income she needs to be able to look after her basic needs. L emphasized that I would be entitled to child support. Given my new understanding, it seems fair to me at this point now that I am working. W has been contributing the same amount as I am which essentially covers child support in that she shouldn’t be expected to pay mortgage and utilities here.
So I am drafting an email to propose an updated arrangement. My return to work is going well and I am increasing my hours. I will propose that I formally take over mortgage and utility payments and W provide child support to me.
Hmmm. Something doesn’t seem right here. If you’re still married and your stbxw is on the title why wouldn’t she be responsible for her half? If she lives with her mom how can she not cover her basic needs? If she can’t even cover her basic needs how can she be required to pay you child support?
Boat I appreciate these questions and to be honest, I don’t fully understand. I met with L and L told me this. And yes W’s basic needs are well cared for loving with her mom. I essentially was providing alimony when I had the larger income as well after W had moved out (I contributed double what W did towards family shared expenses and I had our 2 kids living with me).
Prior to meeting with this L, I understood it as you have expressed it. I think that given my stated priority to keep the house, L might be suggesting this approach. I will keep asking questions.
I recall that L was saying that W could claim occupiers rent - that I should essentially pay W rent for 1/2 what the market value of the home is to pay my way for living there. L said that is somewhat rare to go about things that way and a more common approach is for the spouse living in the matrimonial home to pay 1/2 the homeowner’s insurance. This is confusing to me.
Rock correct me if I’m wrong. This is about the 20th trip to the lawyer and as far as I know you have nothing legally binding in place with your STBXW? Are you paying for these services?
I met 3 Ls one free conversation each. Now I have chosen this L who is providing free legal services based on my income status for the time being. Will receive guidance. L is drafting proposed approach with more than one scenario.
I have been keeping my focus where it needs to be best I can and improving at it. Work has been going well and I’m thankful. So far so good with my follow up medical appointments.
There haven’t been any other changes made to financial arrangements with W (I previously mentioned that at this time we both now contribute equally 50:50 to mortgage and matrimonial home expenses with each of us individually being responsible for our own gas and groceries etc). W hasn’t agreed to formal child support at this time. I don’t plan on initiating any other change or responding to Ws ideas of separating assets without the guidance report I am awaiting from L. So far again this is reasonable especially with my healthy progress gradually increasing my work resulting in a gradual increase in income.
This week has been really good. I got work done on my house outside of work hours. Doing well here at home with S. Dancing last night was great. I have managed times of overwhelm (thinking about how much work I have still to do on myself, my home, my return to full work capacity schedule in time and maybe on my marriage - choosing to put that one out of mind quickly in my goal to keep detaching) with help of therapy and my improved mental and physical health.
I have been having some contemplation and realizations forming as I have been going about this week. Not fully formed thought even.
I’m going to be ok. I’m pretty ok now even. Not figured it all out and not there yet.
In fact I am more settled at the moment not having it all figured out and sitting in the discomfort and uncertainty. More to come.
Glad to hear you had a good week. Immersing into house/yard work, renovations, repairs, upgrades can be rather therapeutic.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I am more settled at the moment not having it all figured out and sitting in the discomfort and uncertainty.
Nice. Answers will present themselves when one is calm and settled. Embracing/accepting uncertainty and limbo, fosters the very figuring out which one strives for.
Consider it less sitting in the discomfort and uncertainty, and more moving forward while accepting such. In doing so, discomfort diminishes and that settled peaceful moment grows, becoming your path.
Glad to see work is going good, and you are getting a clean medical report from follow ups.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
“ Consider it less sitting in the discomfort and uncertainty, and more moving forward while accepting such. In doing so, discomfort diminishes and that settled peaceful moment grows, becoming your path”
