Not Lost Anymore!Being the best version of ME!

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Card and DnJ. So much good info in both your posts to take away.
DnJ while I am not a church goer I have always believed and prayed and it’s interesting how early in the piece was all around praying he comes home. Now it’s praying that the higher good have him and help him while giving me the strength to keep going. I am generally feeling okay. There have been a few moments where my mind wanders to wondering what their conversations were like and feelings of jealousy but I’ve become really good at stopping that in its tracks . this hasn’t completely destroyed me because I think I had started to detach a lot. Maybe the universe does have my back on this. It hasn’t destroyed me but opened my eyes a lot more to his turmoil. It has also opened my eyes a lot to just how truly big my heart is and how much more mature I am. When he cried and apologised a few days ago I forgave him. I truly fully forgive him, because I know what it’s like to be embroiled in that mess, I know the feelings, and because I just feel that I can forgive him. This doesn’t define him or us.Humans make bad decisions all the time. It’s how they deal with it and how they mature and grow out of it. His maturity and growth is yet to be determined. I was slightly shocked he had told his parents. That is not something I ever expected he would, considering he has always had an image to uphold.
I have just tried to be as calm and nice as I can be the last few days. Just balanced, confident, smiling, focusing on me.

There was a small something that happened two days ago which wasn’t exactly DB principles. He had asked me if I was ok when we had crossed paths and I just said “ I just really need my best friend right now to talk to about my best friend”( it was a true comment but I tried to keep it light and funny, by telling him I just needed the old him my best friends to basically get stuff off my chest about him ). He laughed bit and then about 15 minutes later he said let’s talk. I did have some stuff I needed to vent and I had been journaling all day and felt no better, and really didn’t want to run to my external friends for support because I am getting a little tired some days of that and their angry perspective which is not what I need.
We went into the bedroom and both lay on the bed looking up at the roof. I just started talking about “I am quite hurt by my best friend who I loved so deeply but he has done something that really has upset me….” I basically started talking in third person about him to him. Don’t ask me why. But I mentioned about the hurt I had caused him many years ago and how truly sorry I was and how this hurt to me has been quite painful. I talked about how an emotional affair has made me feel knowing another woman out there has heard my best friend complain about anything and everything negative about me( because let’s be honest there was no positivity there) and how if only he had turned to me and started to open up even half of the way he had with her, we may be in a different position. So from DB principles this is not right this is R talks and I know that but I also know for me it was a 180 because I never would have sat and openly discussed my pain in depth with him about everything as I always wanted to be strong around him.( this is even pre Bd)
I was just staring at the roof the whole time I talked and was lying there eyes closed and just nodding constantly at everything I was saying. When done he reached across squeezed my hand and hugged me. I thanked him for letting me get that off my chest. To be honest it felt amazing to get those feelings out to someone to him.
As he got up to leave for his work meeting he looked at me and said “ I would like to talk to you one day soon about my best friend too”. I just smiled. Whether it happens or not for that fleeting moment it was nice knowing he had even considered wanting ro open up a fraction to me.
Now this whole encounter was nothing more than me wanting to say how I felt to the person who had caused me a lot of pain and turmoil, and get it off my chest. There was no yelling or anger I purely came from my heart. And it felt good and he responded so amazingly ( in the past he wouldn’t have even stayed for the first sentence).
Fast forward to yesterday and I crossed paths again as I was finishing work and was taking S for Halloween stuff. H is a right old angry mess due with something at work and his broken laptop that for some reason is struggling to be resolved and his work is piling up. I smiled at him as much as I could and when he vented his work frustrations I just validated him. He did say “ I am really not good today with work and angry so maybe stay out of my path and don’t trigger me”. I didn’t say anything and just nodded and off I went to my best friends house ( who is Texan btw so she def has the best halloween parties with the best American candy). When I returned a few hours later H was still there and packing up to leave the house and apologised for his anger. He is very Jekyll and Hyde right now with every day. It doesn’t even bother me to be honest. I take the good with the bad and let him do his thing whatever it is. This morning both kids had to be in two different places so when he came to collect one kid he bought me a coffee 🤪🤷🏼‍♀️
How am I feeling? Really calm actually and really focusing on just me. Running, journaling, lots of kids activities, working, growing. I am loving how calm I am these days how I don’t let daily stress overrun my life and right now I just take it one day at a time. I still want to save my marriage I really do. Not because of the kids sake or anything like that. But because I do love this man unconditionally and have to take his good with the bad, and whatever turmoil MLC he is going through and chosen to do on his own, Im honouring that and letting him choose his path.i do believe if he manages to break through all of this that we can rebuild something incredible. If he choose to remain in his current state and turmoil well then there’s nothing there to save. I am ready for both outcomes whatever they may be.