Maybe it’s a female thing but right now that’s what hurts the most.
No, it’s not just a female thing. Betrayal hurts! Horribly!
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
I think the hardest part is I think if he only turned in toward me and vented those issues to me, we could have worked together to fix whatever he felt was broken. Instead he turns to someone else and opens up. And he says to me he finds it hard to talk, yet someone else it was ok to talk to.
Such is the path of a crisis. H does not have the emotional maturity to open up like that. Yet.
The affair is a symptom, a band-aid for a much deeper problem.
A midlife crisis pulls one back to the time of their trauma(s). During his informative years young H was emotionally stunted by a person(s) in a position of authority, likely a parent or close relative. H was raised and grew up, albeit stunted, with similar characteristics and dynamics as that of his parents. These dynamics are ingrained in him.
As the MLCer is running and trying to feel young again, they subconsciously seeks out a person likewise to their parent(s). To the person that was in that position of authority. They are drawn to that band-aid affair partner, to an emotional mirror of their parent, so they can rebel and grow up from then and them. That is the role of the affair partner. You cannot be that band-aid. You did not break him, so cannot fix him. You are the wife. You are the prize.
The affair is not about sex. It’s a subconscious connection to that old broken unhealthy dynamic ingrained long ago. The MLCer incorrectly interprets that as soulmates, or true luv. It’s not!
The affair needs to run its course. And hopefully the MLCer grows and heals from their long ago torments. They need to heal, grow, and rebel against their pseudo parent, eventually ending the affair, and creating better healthier dynamics. How long that takes, be it only one affair or many, time will tell.
A very rare few MLCers do traverse their crisis sans affair partner. Some even move back with their parents. However, the vast majority uses an affair.
Of course culpability can be questioned. H does have agency. He could’ve “maybe” chosen a different path, like therapy. I find assigning a level of responsibility really matters not. This is where he and you currently are. Deal with his current day behaviours. Holding him accountable and enforcing boundaries for your well-being.
H needs time and space. Let the Man upstairs have him for a while.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
