Not Lost Anymore!Being the best version of ME!

[Card29]

Hi Pattnee, I'm thinking about you today. I've been there. Thankfully, I found out about OM (from M#1, xW, circa 2014) after I was completely over xW. When I was going through the turmoil, I had trouble *not* thinking about it. I hired a PI. I parked in her apartment parking lot watching her door. I lost my damn mind for a bit. And I am so so thankful I didn't find him. I don't think I would have done anything illegal, but I know I would have made a fool of myself.

I am sure you are still hurting to find out about this, and it might take you days/weeks to really come to terms with it. But I hope that you were given enough time to move down the road towards detachment and healing that this isn't just killing you like it would have if you found it raw at BD.

Also, I would feel comfortable betting a mortgage payment on my current W also having some type of affair. We are all in this together. Your path doesn't change. And you don't deserve it regardless of what happened in the past.

Does the is sound right?pull back even more. He’s chosen someone else so let him lose all aspects of me including my generosity my caring and kindness. I have been detached a lot the last few months but I think now I may need to just remove myself completely from him and the whole situation.

My 2 cents on this is yes, you should be nothing more than a friendly acquaintance. I don't know your situation like you, but it feels like he is double-dipping. Getting the family fix whenever he wants it, then running back to his lair to do whatever the F he's doing there. I think my W has given me the gift of not wanting to see me right now. At first it hurt, but now it's fine by me. It's the expressway to detachment.

I think what hurts the most is how he ha blamed me for 10 months, blamed any little thing I did over our 20 years which he didn’t like but never mentioned, and moreso blamed my infidelity 10 years ago which we had worked through and moved on from. And when I would change or improve something he reverted to the old infidelity card. The infidelity was never bought up until mid last year when I notice him spiral into anger and drinking etc.

It sounds like you healed from your affair but he didn't. If he's bringing it up, it's either truly unresolved grief on his end, or he's weaponizing it to hurt you to make himself feel better. If it's unresolved grief, even though you had the affair, it's on him to forgive and heal. And especially if you recommitted to the M and worked through it. Either way, it doesn't justify what he's doing. But again, it doesn't change anything for you. If anything, it gives you clarity. You need to detach, and for your own sake you should eventually work on forgiveness. I'm not even commenting on your M with him, just your own personal well being. Forgiveness is for you, not him.

Hug your daughter tight and enjoy some more of that sunshine. Think about us in the U.S. that woke up with the first layer of frost of the season on the windshield this morning. Thinking about icy cold somewhere else in the world always makes warm sunshine that much sweeter to me. I hope our frozen fingers can cheer you up a little more