Second roller coaster ride (part 3)

[Card29]

Quick check in. Life has been busy busy busy. I'm doing well, though. Had a rough week a couple of weeks ago setting up holiday plans. We got all of that situated, and my sister had some advice for me that put everything in a little better perspective. Said they did Christmas morning with their kids on days other than Christmas for several years, and the kids were none the wiser. So if I need to do Christmas with S1 and D11 on a different morning, it will still be just as fun. Of course D11 would know, but I don't think it would bother her, anyway.

Grief recovery class ended last week. The last 4 weeks built up to us writing a letter to the person we've lost. For someone like me whose lost person is alive, you do not share the letter with them. It's only for me, although I read it to the class. Mine was 4 pages long, and had my main regrets, resentments and significant emotional events of my R with W. It has helped me let go of some of those things already, including some I didn't realize were still bothering me for years ago. Still lots of healing to go, but I'm mostly not hurting in the last 2 weeks. I did have a sad dream about W a couple of days ago, but even the bad dreams aren't as bad anymore.

One thing that's different for me this time around is I already have a very strong urge for some female companionship. Not an R, and not even necessarily sex. Just someone to spend an evening with when I'm home alone. In my first D, I didn't have that urge for at least 8 months after BD. But then again, my healing process has been way faster this time around. I discussed that with IC and she agreed with me that it's likely because I knew things were wrong for months ahead of BD, and wasn't surprised when it happened. So I was already mourning.

These feelings are relatively recent, only in the last 3-4 days. I'm hoping they come and go for now as it feels way too soon to try to pursue anything like that. Would love to get back to to enjoying some nights alone like I had been the previous few weeks (on nights I'm not with friends/fam).

Otherwise, no big news. W still hasn't filed for D (that I know of). I can see that lingering for a long time now, honestly. I don't think she's conflicted, I just think she's only doing what she has to do right now, and she doesn't have to file. She isn't going to her home town for Thanksgiving, which just shows how disconnected she is from her family (aside from her mom). It's not my place and I'm not putting any emotional investment into it, but I just know she'd be so much better off if she came clean to her loved ones about *why* she is doing this and whether or not there is OM (or OW...yeah I've also wondered if that's part of what's going on, too). But for the most part, I am not obsessing about W, her motivations, what she's up to, etc.

Winter cold is here and I'm not thrilled. I wish me, the kids and my friends could move to Australia for the next few months! I hope everyone is doing well