Not Lost Anymore!Being the best version of ME!

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Kind, no real need to respond I just needed a space to vent( already got into the journal but felt I just needed to be heard by a human😂). Sure I could talk to a friend a parent but safe to say they are all just angry at the moment and I am trying to keep my headspace in a place of calm.
MLC really does suck. The selfishness and immaturity in them is just..well crap. I know I didn’t deserve it nor am I taking responsibility for his current actions. Still isn’t fun finding out. What’s worse is to know I have been badmouthed to another woman. My best friend in the whole world spilled intimate details and basically bitched about me to another woman. Maybe it’s a female thing but right now that’s what hurts the most. The badmouthing of me behind my back to some random and the fact he can open up his feelings to her or them, and not me. I know it’s still ok to have hope and not stand still by right now I have zero hope left
Anyway I am good I just sometimes need a good old rant. Day by day.
Tomorrow is running day again anyway and work so the work crew will keep me entertained. And just booked a getaway this long weekend break with the kids and a few close friends and their kids. Keeping busy to keep my spirits high.

[MrP]

For whatever reason, they don't see us as we'd like them to: here to provide safety and security. Whether our prior wrongs (if any) towards them or some other self-oriented need, they turn to someone else for the thrill, perhaps because the other person has some kind of emotional entanglement, or who knows because as we continue to say, logic has left the building. Keep working on you, focus on your children, and stay the DB course as best as possible. I'm sorry to read that you're having trouble sleeping. I used to experience the same thing. Some medication, as well as the positive impacts of DBing, helped resolve sleeping issues at least. You don't deserve the treatment that you're receiving. Best to try to stay out of his way as he goes through his process and give him as little opportunity to point to you case as a cause or contributor. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and will keep an eye on the board for you.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks P. I am actually doing ok, only one day of a terrible sleep so nothing like those early days since BD. I always wanted to believe the good in H when he would say there is nobody else. He is adamant it was an EA and even said that’s why he’s running away from everyone to sort himself out but honestly i am not really listening to those words right now. In the midst of a MLC I know to believe nothing he says. If he ever comes out of it and has some honest talks with me then just maybe then I will begin to take his word. It still hurts. I want to talk to my best friend (H was my best friend) and in such a crazy time I want to talk to him ( but it’s about him). So I can’t. And that [censored]. It’s hard opening up to other close family and friends about all of this, they just get so objective and angry etc and none believe anything about mlc that I tell them so all I hear is negative when all I really want is a safe space to vent with no objectives or expectations
Anyway I am good. Running today, journaling, taking S12 trick or treating and the sun is out so it’s a nice day
Happy Halloween

[Card29]

Hi Pattnee, I'm thinking about you today. I've been there. Thankfully, I found out about OM (from M#1, xW, circa 2014) after I was completely over xW. When I was going through the turmoil, I had trouble *not* thinking about it. I hired a PI. I parked in her apartment parking lot watching her door. I lost my damn mind for a bit. And I am so so thankful I didn't find him. I don't think I would have done anything illegal, but I know I would have made a fool of myself.

I am sure you are still hurting to find out about this, and it might take you days/weeks to really come to terms with it. But I hope that you were given enough time to move down the road towards detachment and healing that this isn't just killing you like it would have if you found it raw at BD.

Also, I would feel comfortable betting a mortgage payment on my current W also having some type of affair. We are all in this together. Your path doesn't change. And you don't deserve it regardless of what happened in the past.

Does the is sound right?pull back even more. He’s chosen someone else so let him lose all aspects of me including my generosity my caring and kindness. I have been detached a lot the last few months but I think now I may need to just remove myself completely from him and the whole situation.

My 2 cents on this is yes, you should be nothing more than a friendly acquaintance. I don't know your situation like you, but it feels like he is double-dipping. Getting the family fix whenever he wants it, then running back to his lair to do whatever the F he's doing there. I think my W has given me the gift of not wanting to see me right now. At first it hurt, but now it's fine by me. It's the expressway to detachment.

I think what hurts the most is how he ha blamed me for 10 months, blamed any little thing I did over our 20 years which he didn’t like but never mentioned, and moreso blamed my infidelity 10 years ago which we had worked through and moved on from. And when I would change or improve something he reverted to the old infidelity card. The infidelity was never bought up until mid last year when I notice him spiral into anger and drinking etc.

It sounds like you healed from your affair but he didn't. If he's bringing it up, it's either truly unresolved grief on his end, or he's weaponizing it to hurt you to make himself feel better. If it's unresolved grief, even though you had the affair, it's on him to forgive and heal. And especially if you recommitted to the M and worked through it. Either way, it doesn't justify what he's doing. But again, it doesn't change anything for you. If anything, it gives you clarity. You need to detach, and for your own sake you should eventually work on forgiveness. I'm not even commenting on your M with him, just your own personal well being. Forgiveness is for you, not him.

Hug your daughter tight and enjoy some more of that sunshine. Think about us in the U.S. that woke up with the first layer of frost of the season on the windshield this morning. Thinking about icy cold somewhere else in the world always makes warm sunshine that much sweeter to me. I hope our frozen fingers can cheer you up a little more

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

Maybe it’s a female thing but right now that’s what hurts the most.

No, it’s not just a female thing. Betrayal hurts! Horribly!

I think the hardest part is I think if he only turned in toward me and vented those issues to me, we could have worked together to fix whatever he felt was broken. Instead he turns to someone else and opens up. And he says to me he finds it hard to talk, yet someone else it was ok to talk to.

Such is the path of a crisis. H does not have the emotional maturity to open up like that. Yet.

The affair is a symptom, a band-aid for a much deeper problem.

A midlife crisis pulls one back to the time of their trauma(s). During his informative years young H was emotionally stunted by a person(s) in a position of authority, likely a parent or close relative. H was raised and grew up, albeit stunted, with similar characteristics and dynamics as that of his parents. These dynamics are ingrained in him.

As the MLCer is running and trying to feel young again, they subconsciously seeks out a person likewise to their parent(s). To the person that was in that position of authority. They are drawn to that band-aid affair partner, to an emotional mirror of their parent, so they can rebel and grow up from then and them. That is the role of the affair partner. You cannot be that band-aid. You did not break him, so cannot fix him. You are the wife. You are the prize.

The affair is not about sex. It’s a subconscious connection to that old broken unhealthy dynamic ingrained long ago. The MLCer incorrectly interprets that as soulmates, or true luv. It’s not!

The affair needs to run its course. And hopefully the MLCer grows and heals from their long ago torments. They need to heal, grow, and rebel against their pseudo parent, eventually ending the affair, and creating better healthier dynamics. How long that takes, be it only one affair or many, time will tell.

A very rare few MLCers do traverse their crisis sans affair partner. Some even move back with their parents. However, the vast majority uses an affair.

Of course culpability can be questioned. H does have agency. He could’ve “maybe” chosen a different path, like therapy. I find assigning a level of responsibility really matters not. This is where he and you currently are. Deal with his current day behaviours. Holding him accountable and enforcing boundaries for your well-being.

H needs time and space. Let the Man upstairs have him for a while.

D

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Card and DnJ. So much good info in both your posts to take away.
DnJ while I am not a church goer I have always believed and prayed and it’s interesting how early in the piece was all around praying he comes home. Now it’s praying that the higher good have him and help him while giving me the strength to keep going. I am generally feeling okay. There have been a few moments where my mind wanders to wondering what their conversations were like and feelings of jealousy but I’ve become really good at stopping that in its tracks . this hasn’t completely destroyed me because I think I had started to detach a lot. Maybe the universe does have my back on this. It hasn’t destroyed me but opened my eyes a lot more to his turmoil. It has also opened my eyes a lot to just how truly big my heart is and how much more mature I am. When he cried and apologised a few days ago I forgave him. I truly fully forgive him, because I know what it’s like to be embroiled in that mess, I know the feelings, and because I just feel that I can forgive him. This doesn’t define him or us.Humans make bad decisions all the time. It’s how they deal with it and how they mature and grow out of it. His maturity and growth is yet to be determined. I was slightly shocked he had told his parents. That is not something I ever expected he would, considering he has always had an image to uphold.
I have just tried to be as calm and nice as I can be the last few days. Just balanced, confident, smiling, focusing on me.

There was a small something that happened two days ago which wasn’t exactly DB principles. He had asked me if I was ok when we had crossed paths and I just said “ I just really need my best friend right now to talk to about my best friend”( it was a true comment but I tried to keep it light and funny, by telling him I just needed the old him my best friends to basically get stuff off my chest about him ). He laughed bit and then about 15 minutes later he said let’s talk. I did have some stuff I needed to vent and I had been journaling all day and felt no better, and really didn’t want to run to my external friends for support because I am getting a little tired some days of that and their angry perspective which is not what I need.
We went into the bedroom and both lay on the bed looking up at the roof. I just started talking about “I am quite hurt by my best friend who I loved so deeply but he has done something that really has upset me….” I basically started talking in third person about him to him. Don’t ask me why. But I mentioned about the hurt I had caused him many years ago and how truly sorry I was and how this hurt to me has been quite painful. I talked about how an emotional affair has made me feel knowing another woman out there has heard my best friend complain about anything and everything negative about me( because let’s be honest there was no positivity there) and how if only he had turned to me and started to open up even half of the way he had with her, we may be in a different position. So from DB principles this is not right this is R talks and I know that but I also know for me it was a 180 because I never would have sat and openly discussed my pain in depth with him about everything as I always wanted to be strong around him.( this is even pre Bd)
I was just staring at the roof the whole time I talked and was lying there eyes closed and just nodding constantly at everything I was saying. When done he reached across squeezed my hand and hugged me. I thanked him for letting me get that off my chest. To be honest it felt amazing to get those feelings out to someone to him.
As he got up to leave for his work meeting he looked at me and said “ I would like to talk to you one day soon about my best friend too”. I just smiled. Whether it happens or not for that fleeting moment it was nice knowing he had even considered wanting ro open up a fraction to me.
Now this whole encounter was nothing more than me wanting to say how I felt to the person who had caused me a lot of pain and turmoil, and get it off my chest. There was no yelling or anger I purely came from my heart. And it felt good and he responded so amazingly ( in the past he wouldn’t have even stayed for the first sentence).
Fast forward to yesterday and I crossed paths again as I was finishing work and was taking S for Halloween stuff. H is a right old angry mess due with something at work and his broken laptop that for some reason is struggling to be resolved and his work is piling up. I smiled at him as much as I could and when he vented his work frustrations I just validated him. He did say “ I am really not good today with work and angry so maybe stay out of my path and don’t trigger me”. I didn’t say anything and just nodded and off I went to my best friends house ( who is Texan btw so she def has the best halloween parties with the best American candy). When I returned a few hours later H was still there and packing up to leave the house and apologised for his anger. He is very Jekyll and Hyde right now with every day. It doesn’t even bother me to be honest. I take the good with the bad and let him do his thing whatever it is. This morning both kids had to be in two different places so when he came to collect one kid he bought me a coffee 🤪🤷🏼‍♀️
How am I feeling? Really calm actually and really focusing on just me. Running, journaling, lots of kids activities, working, growing. I am loving how calm I am these days how I don’t let daily stress overrun my life and right now I just take it one day at a time. I still want to save my marriage I really do. Not because of the kids sake or anything like that. But because I do love this man unconditionally and have to take his good with the bad, and whatever turmoil MLC he is going through and chosen to do on his own, Im honouring that and letting him choose his path.i do believe if he manages to break through all of this that we can rebuild something incredible. If he choose to remain in his current state and turmoil well then there’s nothing there to save. I am ready for both outcomes whatever they may be.

[Kind18]

Hi Pattnee!

I finally have two mins to myself, but I’m actually travelling to your city today for work exams. As of this weekend I’ll be study free 🥳

I’m glad you’ve got a bit of peace from your laying on the bed discussion.

Sometimes, those things feel good at the time because you are validated and feel a bit closer to them temporarily, but inevitably they lead to more pain down the track. I had a few of those moments with my XW, and they felt kinda nice at the time (despite me knowing full well we weren’t going to reconcile) - but down the track, the just sort of pi**ed me off and I regretted them.

I’m not telling you what to do - but just a reality check that sometimes things that feel nice in the moment become big regrets later on.

In terms of you finding there’s an OW - I’m sorry. It’s just the biggest punch in the guts. It can make you sad initially, and then angry - you must feel like he blamed you for everything and you were trying to fix those things, only to find that they were a cover up for his own guilt.

I don’t think the veterans ever get any enjoyment from seeing they were right about the likelihood of an affair person 😞

He’s shown his true colours now, and never forget that. He looked for comfort outside of your marriage - and then hid it, and made you feel like it was all your fault. A tiger never changes their stripes.

No, it’s not just a female thing. Betrayal hurts! Horribly!

DNJ is right. Being cheated on hurts terribly. In fact, (my uneducated opinion only) I think it hurts men more acutely but then women more chronically. Men tend to hit rock bottom when they find out, and are much higher risk of self harm etc. But then men tend to get over it more fully and get on with living their happy life. Women tend to cope better in the moment, but it affects them for much longer and some women will never be able to trust a man again.

None of this stuff is in the brochure when you get married. Plainly and simply, separation and divorce and infidelity are the hardest thing you’ll ever go through in your life. If you can survive and flourish despite that, you’re an incredibly strong human being and your life is only going to get better from here.

Keep your chin up.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Kind for the above words above. I know what you mean.
Kids and I went away for the holiday weekend for 3 nights with some very close friends and all their kids. Everyone had an absolute ball kids and adults. Was a little hard because this circle of friends H used to come along too and we have done it for years so this one did sting a little but our hearts were full.
H has generally been ok with me, friendly talking a little we have had a few small moments of both of us opening up a bit and a few hugs. Even talked a bit about an aa meeting he went to where they mentioned how hard it was when you stop drinking and the emotions return
When I returned with the kids today it did go a bit pear shape I am not sure if it was something I said or not but the roller coaster he is on continues. He had decided to stop drinking but obviously slipped up over the weekend. I just said “ that’s ok don’t be hard on yourself just dust yourself odd and try again” he admitted he was a bit hard on himself the following day and regretted it. Talk shifted to his move and he is moving to New Orleans ( it was either there or Chicago but he hates the cold and loves music). Not sure I would go to such an unsafe city but that’s his choice. I did make a wrong comment by saying that’s such a long way away from us all and he just said something about we will get trips to Disneyland out of it. He then gave me a really big hug and I commented stupidly “ I can’t believe I won’t be seeing and hugging you much longer the day you leave will be a hard day”. Look I know I should be hugging him but I wanted to,plus he wanted a hug too and was hugging me soo tightly. I do still actually love this man and can see how hard he was on himself this morning for slipping up with his drinking. I had also apologised for something I realised this long weekend I had done to him many years ago on a similar weekend away and how I begged him to join us even though he had to work online for a major project. He did come and worked at the same time but reflecting how many years later i see how wrong that was of me and I wanted to apologise to him. He really appreciated that.
About a hour later I returned home and he was gaming and then I noticed he started to change and his demeanor then got really angry. He started to shut himself off and said he needs to be away from us and needs to be alone for the rest of the day. He said it’s been “ too much emotionally” lately and I just keep going and don’t let up. I remember it differently and he was the one who wanted to open up and talk and listen but all of a sudden it’s all my fault again
I still don’t know what I said or did that flipped his switch so bad but safe to say I am certain its not me. His failure at not even lasting a week on the drinking, his reality of moving, his inability to manage his emotions.he really isn’t a well man emotionally. Feels like he has no emotions too he wants to open up then begins but then shuts off. Has apologised with tears for certain things then back to robot mode. I am trying to encourage him where he needs it. Told him I was proud of him regardless. Proud of how I know he will do incredible at his new role, proud of his non drinking ( that one came back to bite me obviously haha )
His world is falling apart around him and I am still just showing him unconditional love where I can and just standing where I can. Privately it still hurts seeing this man in so much turmoil and nobody can help him. He’s not very well supported by his family they tend to just be amicable and not get involved. I’m still getting on with my life but my intuition is telling me our story isn’t done yet, we certainly can rebuild if he chooses to and he just needs to get off his roller coaster on his own. If he doesn’t it’s not my fault at all but I keep reading and re reading divorce busting and still believe I have love and where i have love I have hope. At least now my expectations are gone and I put myself annd the kids above all else.Every word every conversation I expect zero now with H when I used to hang on every word.
Anyways it seems he is telling the kids soon as they want him there in January. He has been putting it off since September telling them I don’t know why ( blaming the visa not coming through). On one hand he says “if I hate it I’ll come back” then on the other in his bouts of anger “ I am not quitting before the two years I promised them”. Hello Jeckyl and Hyde.
I know my real H is in there somehwere behind this current state. I just hope he can break again one day. For his own sake.
I’ve still got the strength for this, albeit I am just far more balanced now. Can I outlast his crisis I don’t know time will tell. But for now I am just focusing on me.its been a tough 11 months since bd and I am so much stronger than I thought. I don’t think I’m done with H yet. Even the EA hasn’t deterred me. I do believe if he pulls himself out of his hole we can start fresh and rebuild a whole new amazing relationship where we both respect each other so much and learn so much.
Thanks for letting me vent again. The different “faces” of a MLc man are truly horrible

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

Absolutely. Where there is love, there is hope.

I’m glad you had a good holiday weekend. Yes, with H/Dad not accompanying you guys it does sting a bit. Still, weekends like that are necessary positive investments into self and family. I’m sure the kids enjoyed the getaway and spending time with their peers.

he started to change and his demeanor then got really angry. He started to shut himself off and said he needs to be away from us and needs to be alone for the rest of the day. He said it’s been “ too much emotionally” lately and I just keep going and don’t let up.

For the person in crisis, they must/will walk their path at their pace.

What an interesting tidbit from H - “[you] just keep going and don’t let up”. Remember, this is how he feels/felt. Not necessarily the “truth”, rather his at the moment truth.

I remember it differently and he was the one who wanted to open up and talk and listen but all of a sudden it’s all my fault again

Yes, H is currently emotional stable as a bag of wound up cats. His emotions are all over the place.

I’m sure H did seek you out and wanted to open up. That’s how he felt at that moment. He’ll want to talk, then be alone, then get a hug, then blame you. Jeckyl and Hyde indeed.

Pay his outburst no mind, it’s all part of his journey, and rather common. MLCers do tend to vent/lash out. It’s part of working through their emotions. Just ensure you are not pushing/encouraging too much, to minimize pressure from you and to lessen the target/justifications H places upon you.

His failure at not even lasting a week on the drinking, his reality of moving, his inability to manage his emotions. He really isn’t a well man emotionally. Feels like he has no emotions too he wants to open up then begins but then shuts off. Has apologized with tears for certain things then back to robot mode.

His journey is emotionally driven. He will ping pong about, flitting from one state to another. Playing video games, drinking, sitting alone and brooding, all attempts to quell/silence that ever growing inner pressure/voice.

It’s interesting, H emoting like he has no feelings. Then some of his emotional pressure spills over the dam. He has tears, guilt, regret, even some remorse, then it’s all too much again, and back to robot mode. Emotionless. Can’t get hurt as a robot. Another temporary measure, another band-aid.

Anyways it seems he is telling the kids soon as [work] want him there in January. He has been putting it off since September telling them I don’t know why ( blaming the visa not coming through).

H has a lot going on in his life, plus all that dredged up past pushing at him. H has somewhat buried his head in the sand and is in denial regarding his knee-jerk decision to move to the other side of the world.

He is now in months three of delaying telling the kids. He is not telling them because he doesn’t want to move. And he does. Ask your self: Is H running to something or from something?

I don’t see H running to America as much as he is running from himself. Thing is, no matter where he goes, there he is. And how does Dad explain, reason, moving away with such shaky underpinnings. Kids are really excellent at seeing through and calling out BS. Little wonder H isn’t quick to start that conversation.

Stay strong and look after you and the kids. You so got this!

D

[Pattnee5]

Thanks DnJ yes the kids had an absolute blast. And these are 3 of my closest friends who have my back through all of this. They are the only friends who I have told everything to because I know whatever I do and whatever I choose they will back me up. Funnily enough two of them are divorced and both say their XH have severe regret but it was too late by the time they woke up from their madness. Both are always telling me the same thing about hope and love. I find I turn to them a lot more these days as all I get from my immediate family is complete anger and disappointment at H.
I get what you’re saying DnJ. The emotions and anger in H is all over the place. He can’t control it and when it spills over he runs to his place, saying he can’t be around the house or any of us. Well in that case at least he did be a favour by taking himself away and me out of his firing line.
I’m finding I am handling it ok now. In the past it would have torn me apart blaming myself for his outburst. Fleeting moments of sadness where my mind immediately thinks bad stories that H is now running go EA women to seek the comfort I gave him, but that’s just my crazy mind working imagining things, I actually got really good at shutting it off now. In the past I would dwell, now I thought about it, got sad,felt it, realised i was sad over nothing but my mind clutter playing games and creating fantasies then stopped myself and did something else. Happy with my progress there at least.

As for his move I completely agree he’s buried his head so deep in that sand. He doesn’t want to go,and then in his anger he does. His pain will follow. It may even escalate when he no longer has his little family unit in his daily life. He used to be the absolute world’s best dad. With normal H if I was to ever describe to him about another husband and give the scenario of the actions being exactly as H has been this last year, he would have some pretty horrible words to say about them and would say what a terrible father and even moreso the way he’s treating his wife. He used get so angry at the two XH of m friends from our weekend and the way they treated their wives and kids as they ran from their marriages. Now he is exactly the same, if not worse for his move . It’s just so sad the inner workings of these crisises.
The “running” box hit H has a big fat tick that’s for sure. I know he knows his kids will forever hold this against him no matter how many Disney trips he promised. His family aren’t too happy either.
If only he could open his eyes see he is running away.if only we could make these MLC spouses see what we see so clearly. See all the boxes they tick and how messed up they have allowed themselves to become by refusing help.He has moments where the old H shows glimpses with apologies and tears then retreats back into his MLCbody. It really is a marathon. A marathon with a bag of wound up cats 😂

Anyway I just keep going. Still running a few times a week now,keeping kids happy and loved and their buckets full , taking each day as it comes. The weekend really was amazing. It’s H loss really, he loses on the games and fun and laughter and creating these moments with his kids. To me, these are the moments we live for. His home his family is still here right where he left them atBD 11 months ago while he cycles.its so incredibly sad.
Yesterday’s outburst did upset me a bit hence why I needed to vent but I was already quite tired and emotional from the weekend so it hurt more than it should.