An affair is just a symptom, a band-aid. Regarding S14 (and you), be accurate and re-frame this.
I have concern for S14 with wife's A going on his Mom’s absence and outward appearance of apathy towards her relationship with him.
Having a clear picture helps find clear paths forward.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
I know S14 notices her lack of presence. He has asked me where she is and I simply reply that I don't know. We have to handle meals for ourselves, as she rarely prepares anything for either of us anymore. The last time she cooked something was about a week ago. Before that I don't remember.
Is there anything I can do to handle this better when he asks? Her animosity toward me is one thing, and I don't care whether she cooks for me or not, but to me this shows tremendous disrespect for S14.
At 14, son likely knows more than your realize, and he likely suspects what’s going on. He obviously notices Mom is not around much, and it’s just you and he eating super together.
Lots of spouses whilst caught up in the limerence and infatuation of an illicit affair become terrible parents. Ensure son knows you love him and are there for him. Be his rock!
Son will have many questions. Be open, honest, and age appropriate when answering his questions. Encourage his queries. Kids need and will find answers. If not from you, it will be their friends, the internet, or they’ll make up a reason or answer. And kids are pretty darn egocentric, so they usually circle towards self blame for their parents behaviour. Tell son, directly, the troubles between Dad and Mom has nothing to do with him. You love him! And give him a big hug!
If you do not know the answer, or how to say it, be honest and tell him: I don’t know, let me think about it and we’ll talk about it tomorrow evening. And do it. Keep your word. Have that conversation the next evening.
Break the ice with son. I know it’s a difficult subject to broach. Ensure you open the door, and son knows that the door is always open.
When son asks Mom’s whereabouts during super, add to your statement of not knowing. Just stating the obvious facts usually gets kids talking to get to what they really want to ask. Something like: I don’t know where Mom is. She certainly has missed a lot of meals lately.
Also just come out and ask son: You’ve noticed Mom has missed a lot of meals and family time, do you have any questions?
The likelihood of son just immediately opening up is pretty low. The first go around is breaking the ice. Don’t fret, son will talk, just be sincere.
Some tips:
Do not demonize Mom/W. Son is half her. He knows half of his genetic make up is from her. If you attack Mom, you attack him.
Son will be concerned about repeating Mom’s behaviour. Like above, half of his code is from her. Of course, that means half is from you. Ensure son knows and realizes that his fate is not hardwired, rather it’s fostered by nurturing. After all, the grass is greenest where one waters it.
Lead by example. You are son’s living example. He will look to you on how to act and react in this and many of life’s events.
Gently steer son. He is 14. He has his own mind and heart. Listen to what he has to say. And be gentle and firm with guidance.
Be his parent. Son has friends, he needs a Dad. Lots of times parents try being their kid’s best friend instead of being their parent. Do not be a Disneyland parent. Be Dad.
Son will lash out at you. More than you deserve. Realize, son cannot yet risk losing his Mom. As such, his frustrations, anger, sadness, and so on, will be directed at you - son’s strong and safe and stable parent. Roll with it. Much better he lashes out than keeping things bottled up.
Have those difficult conversations with son. Especially if son brings up the topic.
The troubles between you and W have nothing to do with son. This is a topic that will be on son’s mind. Ensure you demonstrate most clearly that son is not the cause.
When my W blew up, she tossed the kids aside. She actually blamed my second eldest son for going to university. Saying that the kids are leaving and it feels horrible. So she is preempting it by her leaving first. (Yeah, it doesn’t make sense.) Days later son confided/asked “so, if I hadn’t gone to university Mom would still be here?”.
My situation was wide open, a bomb drop at super time in front of everyone, blasted open the doors on many difficult conversations. Regarding the above conversation, son and I discussed Mom’s sudden and displayed emotional instability. How she is taking actions and saying things based upon her feelings. (MLC is horrible. I’d not wish it upon my worst enemy.)
My XW completely destroyed her previous life and relationships with her kids. A loving Mom. A gal who operated a daycare from our house. Kaboom! She went right off the rails.
Lots of collateral damage. Lots of conversations with the kids. Lots of lashing out from the kids. And some of that lashing out I did well deserved. (See below)
Do not force son to see his Mom. I did push my son to go see Mom/W on the first Christmas. And he did not want to go. When he got back, wow! was he mad. And boy did I get blasted when he got home. Lesson learned.
It’s not your job to facilitate their relationship. It’s your job to not destroy it.
Lots of troubled spouses chooses a favourite child. A child who perhaps is less upfront or confrontational about their parent’s behaviour and morality. This also leads to the parent choosing a least favourite child too. My third son was that least favourite. Mom treated him worse than the other three, and that is saying something.
Speak with son. Both your sons. They’ve got questions.
You got this SF.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
