Not Lost Anymore!Being the best version of ME!

[MrP]

I agree with Sunflyer. GOOD for you, especially as you hopefully transition to enjoying what you're doing for yourself and less and less for him or to win him back. As many fellow DBers on this thread remind each other of at times, much of this isn't about us. Yes, we've all likely contributed to our situations in some way. However, often unresolved traumas, attachment issues, and things that pre-date our relationships consciously or subconsciously drive a WAS. And, it is a day-by-day process Pattnee. Keep trying to make each individual day a good one. Eventually, you string along a few in a row. Longer-term, the changes you make become positive habits and life is better for you and your kids. I continue hoping for the best for you all.

[Pattnee5]

So it’s my turn to post and say that Affair partner or partners is confirmed. Newbies reading this, I came to this forum like yourselves in April ( bd was In Dec 2022) and was so certain there was no AP.He looked me In the eye multiple times and said there was nobody, he had become a recluse a slob I thought no way could he ever have anyone. The more time went on the stronger I got the more I read on here, there was always that element of doubt. But I saw the best in him my kindness saw the best in him and I believed him and he was lying to my face for months and month. So yes the vets are right. They aren’t trying to be cruel or hurt you, but prepare you for what you may face.

H has a work meeting this week on a client site and was in two minds about going, having to wear a suit, social anxiety etc. He had talked on and off all week about it and I even mentioned he should wear his grey suit and black shirt. I’m not going to say exactly how I found out but I do know a “mirror selfie” was taken and sent to a woman via WhatsApp. I remember when I found out the blood absolutely drained from me. I was at work. I went for my lunch time run, breathed and finished my day. When I got home H was quite a few beers and drinks deep. I remember in better times any time he had a client meeting and had to wear a suit he would always snap a pic and send it to me and I would always compliment.

Okay so this is where I may be wrong but I played a little game when I got home and played nice. I asked how his meeting went and he was all happily chatting away. I then asked to show me a pic of himself in the suit. He replied with something along the lines of “I don’t take photos like that of myself I hate that sort of stuff and I don’t need validation from anyone “ . Seeing he was multiple drinks in he starts to get angry at me, spews some verbal diahhrea as per normal ( which I am really getting better at deflecting) and leaves. Next morning I am working again so usually we don’t cross paths he comes after I have left to organise and get kids for school. He arrives about 10 minutes early and comes into the bedroom where I was getting ready and says “ I am so sorry for last night I don’t remember what I said but I know it was bad and I am so so sorry”
I accept his apology ( I know silly kind Pattnee ) then I decide this is my opening. I just needed to know I don’t know why but sitting on it would eat me up. He asked me to tell him what he had said to me and I said NO. Let him suffer with hangxiety
I said “ I know you took a mirror selfie and I know you sent it to a woman, who is she” . His colour drained. He fumbled again was quiet and I said again “ who is she be honest “. He then confesses with “yes I have been talking to multiple women”. I asked “ did this start before you decided to end our marriage and he replies “ yes. But I haven’t done anything I’ve just been talking to a few women”( I don’t believe this by the way I mean he’s lied to my face for so long I don’t believe it for a second now) he then says “ that’s why I need to go away to America and need to do this work stuff to get away I can’t do or have any relationships right now I need to sort myself out”

I am so utterly proud of myself and my calmness.i didn’t yell scream beg nothing. He then says “ I need to know one thing how did you know or find out”. I just said “ I guessed and you just told me”
Slight truth stretch but It was in a moment of utter disbelief at myself for being played.

S12 then interrupted as he had just woken up for school so I just finished getting ready for work. I cried silently alone in the bathroom before I left but as I walked out S12 noticed and asked what was wrong with H in front. I just blamed a bad work episode. One day in the future when he’s older he may put a few pieces together and realise this was the moment he saw his mum utterly heartbroken.

I think the worst part in all of this even isn’t the EA or PA, because I know he isn’t capable of a healthy relationship, he is just seeking someone to fuel his ego. Any compliments from me are useless at the moment because he still sees me as his source of unhappiness

I think what hurts the most is how he ha blamed me for 10 months, blamed any little thing I did over our 20 years which he didn’t like but never mentioned, and moreso blamed my infidelity 10 years ago which we had worked through and moved on from. And when I would change or improve something he reverted to the old infidelity card. The infidelity was never bought up until mid last year when I notice him spiral into anger and drinking etc. And yet all along he is doing this and he knows it but making me feel like I am to blame.He did the same thing to his first wife in his very early 20s(married for two years)started a relationship (yes with me I was the other woman) and left her in similar fashion. And now he has done it again to me. And I feel like an absolute fool for getting played in the same way. I feel played the way I have been made to feel for so long. The worst part now is if he was truly sorry and remorseful and wanted to throw everything at saving our marriage I would find it in my heart to forgive. I think back to my time in that situation when I was in a mess of a place I wanted my secret out I hated it I hated who I was and when it came out I felt immense relief and always wanted to stay and fight for my marriage and I did. In his situation he found someone else( or multiple women as he mentioned 😂) and he just wanted out. He didn’t want to stay he was just done and gone.It all makes complete sense to me know why he never wanted to fight for our marriage. It seems another midlife crisis box ticked on my H end.

Am I beating myself up? No, just moreso that I wasted so much time and energy beaiting myself up when he blamed me for months and months and months. I worked so hard to remove myself from his blame and did a great job of it, but wow what a journey to go through. I truly now finally feel a sense of relief that “I am not to blame” and as everyone says I did not break him so I can’t fix him. He really broke himself.

I didn’t sleep great that night( but it may have been the few beverages I had with friends when we went dancing for a work function.) nothing like your absolute killer support work crew rallying around you and picking you up. I am surprisingly really calm. I don’t know why I don’t know if it’s shock. I don’t want to see him much all at the moment. I feel a sense of my kindness being abused, offering him dinner when I cooked, letting him enjoy game nights with the kids and feel like a family, yet then he can retreat and talk to his woman or women. I feel like an absolute fool like I said. My kindness now stops.i was just trying to be his lighthouse but feel used . He has someone else who can feed and look after him now and fuel his ego.

I’ve filled my weekend with a few more social things to keep me busy snd will get another run in. I am half bracing myself now for the onslaught of my emotions to hit me but maybe they won’t. Maybe the fact I have started to drop that rope means this won’t hurt as much as it would have. This would have been destroying on day 1. One thing I know is I am stronger than I ever thought I was.

So I am sorry for any newbie reading this who is still adamant their partner has nobody else, there almost always is. People don’t just leave. I was in your shoes. I don’t know the full extent of my H affair( they do live in our city though so to me that more than solidifies that it’s physical despite his words). What I do know what I believed and trusted his words too

[Sunflyer]

So sorry Pattnee. I am going through it too, and it plain s***s.

You’re right not to beat yourself up over it. Regardless of what he feels, there is more than one way to deal with those feelings and he chose this one. It is 100% on him.

Our spouses are broken in the sense that they feel they need another person to fuel their self-worth, which indicates how low their self esteem is. If they were truly okay with who they are, they wouldn’t need to latch onto others at this time.

In my case it was very easy to figure out what was going on. Started leaving her phone face down on the table, so I couldn’t see notifications on the screen. Leaving to “get coffee” or something and being gone for 45 minutes to an hour at a time. Checking the phone bill and finding dozens of calls ranging from 20-85 minutes from a number I didn’t recognize (and which I traced). Turning off the tracking on her phone so I couldn’t see where she was, which she’d never done. Leaving the house for hours at a time with no explanation and sometimes coming home late at night. Saying she had two appointments with her therapist in one week, which has never happened before. And on and on. Bold-faced lies told right to my face, from someone who said her marriage vows were so important to her, and I’d regret it if I ever cheated on her.

Your feelings will likely be on the emotional roller coaster at times. Mine certainly were. But I’m holding it together for my sons and myself. You will too.

As for your past, you have done what’s right and walked the walk since then. Don’t let those thoughts defeat you. He chose to play this card; any consequences he bears he brings on himself.

[DnJ]

Hello Patt

It’s staggering just how many have affairs. It’s not 100%, though really close to it. Affairs are a symptom, a band-aid. Treat them as such. Affairs are built upon lies and deceit, and it takes incredible energies to maintain a relationship with such a poor and unstable foundation.

H is a lost and troubled soul.

I feel like an absolute fool like I said. My kindness now stops. I was just trying to be his lighthouse but feel used.

Betrayal is the worst sin. Being betrayed hurts so very much. And we then questions ourselves. How did I not see this? How did I believe this? I feel so foolish. And so on.

Give yourself a bit of time to regain your center and balance. (((Hug)))

Kindness doesn’t need to stop. You being kind and compassionate is who you are. You now just pull back on some things is all with regards to dealing with H.

Instead of trying to be his lighthouse, be the lighthouse. Just be. For you. Do or do not, there is no try.

You shine your light and love because of who you are, not because of who H is/was. And you didn’t/don’t shine just to try to woo him back. A lighthouse doesn’t runabout looking for ships to save. You live and shine on. (By the way, you’ll likely shine even brighter now.)

Having confirmation doesn’t change the situation a whole lot. Though that knowledge will likely allow you to let go pretty firmly. You still enact boundaries on disrespectful behaviours. Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do. Give plenty of time and space. H is on his path and on his time; and you, thankfully, weren’t invite.

The growth you’ve accomplished, the efforts you’ve made, all fantastic. And there is nothing foolish about that! Let these upset fleeting flit. Hold your head high.

D

[Pattnee5]

.

Give yourself a bit of time to regain your center and balance. (((Hug)))

Kindness doesn’t need to stop. You being kind and compassionate is who you are. You now just pull back on some things is all with regards to dealing with H.

Instead of trying to be his lighthouse, be the lighthouse. Just be. For you. Do or do not, there is no try.

You shine your light and love because of who you are, not because of who H is/was. And you didn’t/don’t shine just to try to woo him back. A lighthouse doesn’t runabout looking for ships to save. You live and shine on. (By the way, you’ll likely shine even brighter now.)
D

Thanks Sun and DnJ. I am actually ok but yes I know I may need to re balance. Just reframe myself again. I know it changes nothing and was always a possibility but now just confirmed.

Yes that makes sense about being my own lighthouse and not changing who I am. I do however think I need to cut the “friend zone” situation where he was having family dinners and playing games with me and the kids and joining in on family time and having me to ask about his day or offer a meal. I am too kind. I was purely being friendly while he waded in his own mess. I think now that there is definitely OW or Women , I feel I need to pull right back and cut the friend zone too.
Otherwise I am just the third wheel. While he’s building relationships with someone else whether it me emotional or physical, I don’t think he should be entitled to have a friendship with me. I was only really ever interested in the friendship with him if it was going to be a two way street in helping rebuild our friendship and relationship together.

Does the is sound right?pull back even more. He’s chosen someone else so let him lose all aspects of me including my generosity my caring and kindness. I have been detached a lot the last few months but I think now I may need to just remove myself completely from him and the whole situation. He has chosen to invest his attention his desire his heart with someone else. So mine now needs to heal on its own away from him, removing myself from his equation he has created where he is fulfilling his emotional needs with OW and family needs with me. This may sound silly but I don’t even want to yell or scream at him
I still want to be the kind person I am. The kids see us amicable and friendly I don’t want to disrupt them but I no longer desire his company his presence or anything to o with his current behaviour. I no longer want to have him at family dinner or playing games.i think you’re right this has really been a big help in letting go more and more

[Sunflyer]

Does the is sound right?pull back even more. He’s chosen someone else so let him lose all aspects of me including my generosity my caring and kindness. I have been detached a lot the last few months but I think now I may need to just remove myself completely from him and the whole situation. He has chosen to invest his attention his desire his heart with someone else. So mine now needs to heal on its own away from him, removing myself from his equation he has created where he is fulfilling his emotional needs with OW and family needs with me. This may sound silly but I don’t even want to yell or scream at him
I still want to be the kind person I am. The kids see us amicable and friendly I don’t want to disrupt them but I no longer desire his company his presence or anything to o with his current behaviour. I no longer want to have him at family dinner or playing games.i think you’re right this has really been a big help in letting go more and more

Well, this has been my approach. I have as little to do with her as possible. Since deciding to leave the M, she has insisted that she has respect for me. These actions (plus others I've become aware of) speak very loudly that there is no respect, only animosity. And, despite much weight loss and cosmetic surgery, she continues to have a poor self-image. If she really felt that she was okay, she wouldn't need to jump to someone else before we're even separated. Validation from a man is like a drug for her, and she needs a fix. Otherwise, she would be fine with not having a man in her life right now. And your H would be fine without a woman, if he weren't so internally confused and lost.

Unlike you, family dinners, etc. pretty much ended at our house quite a long time ago, even before W initiated D. She had full work hours plus her side business to run, which meant dinners most nights were reheated or takeout. I was here, home from work at a decent hour, and for at least half the week it was me and S14 alone.

In fact, it's me and S14 alone right now, because she is undoubtedly out with him. She has been with him almost every day this week. Occasionally my son asks where she is. I tell him, "Who knows?" which is technically true. He has to sense something is wrong.

Absolutely continue to be a kind person, to those who deserve it. Personally, I think you don't owe him anything at this point. You are worth more. As DnJ says, be a lighthouse, not necessarily his lighthouse.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Sun for your perspective. You hit the nail on the head that if they weren’t so messed up internally they wouldn’t be seeking the validation of others.
I will keep remembering to be my own lighthouse. I don’t want to save him anymore. He’s someone else’s broken mess.
I really did hold hope for him, belief that he had the internal strength to pull through whatever mess his head was in. He started to get teary the last few weeks, apologise, really show glimmers of that old H. I never got excited I never got my hopes up. I thought it was too good to be true. He didn’t even apologise when I busted his new revelation. The internal turmoil must be horrible
The depression he must have must be horrible

I am spending alot of self care time right now. I feel bad I haven’t cried nor do I want to. I just don’t feel it other than the brief moment when he told me and S12 saw me with eyes full of tears.
I am still so proud of how maturely and balanced I have handled everything

[Pattnee5]

So rest of the weekend went … hm I was going to say as expected but I had no expectations really. I was a bit emotional at times. Seemed to be in the morning after a terrible sleep. Two things did happen with H though. Although I keep thinking “believe nothing of what they say”
Firstly i had this terrible desire to blast him and scream for the way he’s basically blamed me and had another woman or women. But instead i sat in the sun and calmed down. I did then go to H and very calmly said some things mainly to get it off my chest and how he has made me feel the last 11 months and how hurt I am. I then gave him back his letter. The letter is this amazing heartfelt letter he gave me in 2021 basically professing his love and our amazing life etc. it was so special to me and even early on in the bd I referred to it etc, he knew how much I loved that letter I cried when I got it. Anyway after telling him how hurt I have been and how I have fought for 11 months for this man that now I am letting him go as he is not the man in the letter. He took the letter back and just basically sat and listened a lot. That vacant stone face which I expected anyway and he said he needs to process.

Anyway later in the day he wanted to take S for ice cream and pulled me outside for a talk.for the first time in a very long time I saw H cry real tears and struggled immensely not to melt down as he apologised for everything and even said how badly he’s treated me so many times in our marriage. It was like a different version of h was present now
He started to tell me about the other women but I told him I don’t want to know details. He said it was all emotional affair and nothing physical but it had crossed his mind a lot. Told me it was not going to be relationship but he was after validation and needing someone else to want him.Do I believe him? Who knows really because right now he is still in turmoil despite this small glimmer of the old H. I have done nothing but praise and compliment him and it just bounced off. I know from the “source of your problems”( your wife) it means nothing . The crazy midlife alien. He admitted it started before Bd again with this emotional friend.i am just disconnecting from that because it’s irrelevant. She is a symptom
He also had called his parents and admitting everything to them which is huge really given how he always wants to uphold a certain image. He said the are not happy at all.

Anyway the apology was nice I remember when many years ago my affair came out it was like a huge relief and I decided to work my ass off and save my marriage and completely cut everything and did a lot of growing up. I am different though and h is in no way like me but I do know how liberating it can be. I had mentioned that to H earlier in the day anyway and he had just listened. Maybe he felt it too maybe not. Again I am not taking any of this as anything right now but welcomed the apology. He is still going away ( I think he desperately needs to ) I just hope he has some family support now

I am sitting in the tattoo chair as we speak getting the words “stronger than” on my wrist with a small heartbeat line
Because I am stronger than I know and stronger than yesterday and it’s my reminder every time I need it

[Pattnee5]

I should just add I think the hardest part of what my brain is trying to process now is how H turned to another woman or women for emotional support when I was always asking him if he was ok, and he just kept blaming work. I think the hardest part is I think if he only turned in toward me and vented those issues to me, we could have worked together to fix whatever he felt was broken. Instead he turns to someone else and opens up. And he says to me he finds it hard to talk, yet someone else it was ok to talk to. That was my hardest part to deal with right now. I know it’s not me, but if only these spouses would turn and talk to their partner their best friend and invest in that. Easier said than done hey. I guess my roller coaster emotions are still in overdrive right now. EA hurt just as hard (if not more) than PA.

[Kind18]

Hey Pattnee.

I’ve been super busy last few days. I’ll respond more when I get a chance to scratch myself.

Having said that - know that I’m following along and thinking of you at this terrible time. And while no-one is perfect in a marriage, rest assured of this -

YOU DIDN’T DESERVE THIS.

This is his dumpster fire.