Not Lost Anymore!Being the best version of ME!

[Pattnee5]

So it’s my turn to post and say that Affair partner or partners is confirmed. Newbies reading this, I came to this forum like yourselves in April ( bd was In Dec 2022) and was so certain there was no AP.He looked me In the eye multiple times and said there was nobody, he had become a recluse a slob I thought no way could he ever have anyone. The more time went on the stronger I got the more I read on here, there was always that element of doubt. But I saw the best in him my kindness saw the best in him and I believed him and he was lying to my face for months and month. So yes the vets are right. They aren’t trying to be cruel or hurt you, but prepare you for what you may face.

H has a work meeting this week on a client site and was in two minds about going, having to wear a suit, social anxiety etc. He had talked on and off all week about it and I even mentioned he should wear his grey suit and black shirt. I’m not going to say exactly how I found out but I do know a “mirror selfie” was taken and sent to a woman via WhatsApp. I remember when I found out the blood absolutely drained from me. I was at work. I went for my lunch time run, breathed and finished my day. When I got home H was quite a few beers and drinks deep. I remember in better times any time he had a client meeting and had to wear a suit he would always snap a pic and send it to me and I would always compliment.

Okay so this is where I may be wrong but I played a little game when I got home and played nice. I asked how his meeting went and he was all happily chatting away. I then asked to show me a pic of himself in the suit. He replied with something along the lines of “I don’t take photos like that of myself I hate that sort of stuff and I don’t need validation from anyone “ . Seeing he was multiple drinks in he starts to get angry at me, spews some verbal diahhrea as per normal ( which I am really getting better at deflecting) and leaves. Next morning I am working again so usually we don’t cross paths he comes after I have left to organise and get kids for school. He arrives about 10 minutes early and comes into the bedroom where I was getting ready and says “ I am so sorry for last night I don’t remember what I said but I know it was bad and I am so so sorry”
I accept his apology ( I know silly kind Pattnee ) then I decide this is my opening. I just needed to know I don’t know why but sitting on it would eat me up. He asked me to tell him what he had said to me and I said NO. Let him suffer with hangxiety
I said “ I know you took a mirror selfie and I know you sent it to a woman, who is she” . His colour drained. He fumbled again was quiet and I said again “ who is she be honest “. He then confesses with “yes I have been talking to multiple women”. I asked “ did this start before you decided to end our marriage and he replies “ yes. But I haven’t done anything I’ve just been talking to a few women”( I don’t believe this by the way I mean he’s lied to my face for so long I don’t believe it for a second now) he then says “ that’s why I need to go away to America and need to do this work stuff to get away I can’t do or have any relationships right now I need to sort myself out”

I am so utterly proud of myself and my calmness.i didn’t yell scream beg nothing. He then says “ I need to know one thing how did you know or find out”. I just said “ I guessed and you just told me”
Slight truth stretch but It was in a moment of utter disbelief at myself for being played.

S12 then interrupted as he had just woken up for school so I just finished getting ready for work. I cried silently alone in the bathroom before I left but as I walked out S12 noticed and asked what was wrong with H in front. I just blamed a bad work episode. One day in the future when he’s older he may put a few pieces together and realise this was the moment he saw his mum utterly heartbroken.

I think the worst part in all of this even isn’t the EA or PA, because I know he isn’t capable of a healthy relationship, he is just seeking someone to fuel his ego. Any compliments from me are useless at the moment because he still sees me as his source of unhappiness

I think what hurts the most is how he ha blamed me for 10 months, blamed any little thing I did over our 20 years which he didn’t like but never mentioned, and moreso blamed my infidelity 10 years ago which we had worked through and moved on from. And when I would change or improve something he reverted to the old infidelity card. The infidelity was never bought up until mid last year when I notice him spiral into anger and drinking etc. And yet all along he is doing this and he knows it but making me feel like I am to blame.He did the same thing to his first wife in his very early 20s(married for two years)started a relationship (yes with me I was the other woman) and left her in similar fashion. And now he has done it again to me. And I feel like an absolute fool for getting played in the same way. I feel played the way I have been made to feel for so long. The worst part now is if he was truly sorry and remorseful and wanted to throw everything at saving our marriage I would find it in my heart to forgive. I think back to my time in that situation when I was in a mess of a place I wanted my secret out I hated it I hated who I was and when it came out I felt immense relief and always wanted to stay and fight for my marriage and I did. In his situation he found someone else( or multiple women as he mentioned 😂) and he just wanted out. He didn’t want to stay he was just done and gone.It all makes complete sense to me know why he never wanted to fight for our marriage. It seems another midlife crisis box ticked on my H end.

Am I beating myself up? No, just moreso that I wasted so much time and energy beaiting myself up when he blamed me for months and months and months. I worked so hard to remove myself from his blame and did a great job of it, but wow what a journey to go through. I truly now finally feel a sense of relief that “I am not to blame” and as everyone says I did not break him so I can’t fix him. He really broke himself.

I didn’t sleep great that night( but it may have been the few beverages I had with friends when we went dancing for a work function.) nothing like your absolute killer support work crew rallying around you and picking you up. I am surprisingly really calm. I don’t know why I don’t know if it’s shock. I don’t want to see him much all at the moment. I feel a sense of my kindness being abused, offering him dinner when I cooked, letting him enjoy game nights with the kids and feel like a family, yet then he can retreat and talk to his woman or women. I feel like an absolute fool like I said. My kindness now stops.i was just trying to be his lighthouse but feel used . He has someone else who can feed and look after him now and fuel his ego.

I’ve filled my weekend with a few more social things to keep me busy snd will get another run in. I am half bracing myself now for the onslaught of my emotions to hit me but maybe they won’t. Maybe the fact I have started to drop that rope means this won’t hurt as much as it would have. This would have been destroying on day 1. One thing I know is I am stronger than I ever thought I was.

So I am sorry for any newbie reading this who is still adamant their partner has nobody else, there almost always is. People don’t just leave. I was in your shoes. I don’t know the full extent of my H affair( they do live in our city though so to me that more than solidifies that it’s physical despite his words). What I do know what I believed and trusted his words too