the connection between my happiness and being with her. Have a hard time disconnecting when it feels like things are going good in conversation and she lets herself be vulnerable. But in the end she is still full steam ahead and pushing things to get done. I have to figure out how to break that cycle and what that looks like. I struggle with that. How do you disconnect????
Originally Posted by dleague
She talks about the struggles she is going to encounter when she is going to be living on her own. Just lots of ways. How she has to harbor money from the divorce because she is worried she may get sick again and be out of work. She talked again tonight about how she hates her job and has to figure out what her options are there. She knows damn well that she had the option to stay with me and she wouldnt even have to work or worry about medical or financial things. She is heading down this winding road as fast as she can in an 18 wheeler. As someone who cares for her, it’s tough to watch because I do want to protect her. But trying to come to terms with that I need to let her fall before she realizes things. Hell she may not even come back then as stubborn as she is. But that cant be my priority and I struggle with it not being because of the connection. How do I break that so I dont care or try to stop it???
I’m happy to speak to detaching, detachment, and indifference as it relates to one’s spouse and these situations.
Also, here is a link to some detachment info the welcoming thread:
Detachment is when one is no longer uncontrollably emotionally dragged around by their spouse’s words and/or behaviours. One still feels. The detachment part is that their feelings are no longer “uncontrollable”.
With detachment, one can better exert their own influence upon their emotional state and thus postpone that which once would’ve simply overwhelmed. Do realize, it’s postpone. Scheduling a convenient time, in a safe space, to feel and healthily express those feelings is a critical part of detaching and working towards indifference.
Indifference is when one’s emotions and feelings towards their spouse are not marked by any particular liking or disliking. There is a numbness, a quietness, a calm, where once there was a cacophony of feelings and fret. A caution, nature abhors a vacuum. Other feelings, especially temptations, will loom much larger than they truly are against the void, against that absence of feelings towards one’s spouse.
Indifference, like all feelings, is temporary. It does unwind. Those old feelings do return. The advice that decisions based upon emotions, or lack thereof, leads to regret is most germane. Embrace this emotional limbo and remember doing nothing is doing something.
Indifference provides a calm and peace. This is the time, free of the noise and pressure of one’s spouse, to delve within and discover oneself. Discover one’s beliefs, values, and convictions. Strengthen that which serves, craft that which one aspires to, and alter or discard that which does not serve.
With clear definitions you have already embarked on your detachment path. Accuracy.
Be accurate in thought and heart. This is one of the main components along your journey. Striving to see and be accurate requires a rational, logical, and reasoned approach. Being dragged about emotionally is best reined in with intellect and rationalizing. Fear, withdrawal, and such also benefit from such logic and reasoning. Those tenets are an LBS’ sword and shield, to cleave our irrational ties and defend against triggers. Intellect is sans emotions, and directly controllable, keep your sword sharp and your shield brightly polished.
Control. You only control your thoughts, actions, and reactions. Through those you can influence your emotions, and the world and people around you. See this accurately. Realize the extent of your direct control and where influence takes over.
We all live on four paths, or lanes on life’s highway. The lanes being intellectual, physical, emotional, and spiritual. In each of these lanes is a car of our’s. The place, direction, and speed of us in that particular realm.
The intellectual realm is that of reason, logic, and rationalization. It is pure intellect, devoid of emotions. This realm is directly controllable, our thoughts.
The physical realm is our actions and reactions. Again this is within our direct control. It is here we can turn thoughts in actions.
The emotional realm is a subconscious place. Emotions and feelings are born and die here. This is not directly controllable. Yet it is subject to influences, both internal and external.
An example, smile. Right now. A nice big smile. Turn the corners of your lips up, and show a bit of teeth too.
Now, frown. A real deep pouting frown. Lips pursed downward, even furrow your brow.
Ok, back to normal resting.
See how you felt happy while smiling? How you felt sad/angry when frowning?
Physical actions, the physical car, influences your emotional state. You can’t help but feel happy-ish while smiling.
And your emotional state influences your thoughts and actions. You can’t really smile while deeply depressed. It like trying to frown and smile at the same time.
Likewise, thoughts are both influenced and exert influence upon you emotional state.
Be accurate in thought and heart. See and rationalize accurately. Promote positive healthy thoughts and actions. This effort is cumulative. Slowly, over time your consistent efforts alter your emotional landscape, by altering the fabric of your subconscious.
Accuracy and consistency are both critical. It’s why we encourage folks to stick to the path. Yes, it’s very counterintuitive, and it works.
We are not robot, and we still get triggered, and our subconscious realm still pushes and pulls. Consider dreams, the organizing and cataloging of our day and our thoughts and emotions. Mix in a late night pizza, and wow! Some wild dreams.
However, our conscious self gets better and better at self control and therefore self influence. Which in effect promotes better “control” of our subconscious self.
As you can see, there is quite a web of control and influence between and amongst our various realms. Let’s bring in the spiritual path, realm, lane. This path is fully subconscious. It’s the landscape, the realm of your deep convictions and beliefs. The principles and tenets that make you, you.
The spiritual path, influences everything. Your deeply held values do lead you. Lead your intellect, physical actions, and very much influence your emotions.
Strengthening, crafting, and discarding such deeply held beliefs take consistent effort and time. That consistent effort is your intellect and physical activity, both within your control. Consistent thoughts and GAL in a positive healthy direction will lead to those desirable results and changes in convictions.
Let’s discuss speed for a moment.
Feelings are fleeting. Unless reinforced. To demonstrate, you can image someone saying something so awful to you that you’d be appalled. A sudden emotional reaction to such a stimulus. Perfectly normal. Emotions are born from within the subconscious.
That feeling left alone, not reinforced, will extinguish in minutes. For a really troubling stimulus extinguishing could be upwards of 30 minutes. Basically, any range beyond that, and either the trigger is still present and/or not dealt with, or you are reinforcing your emotions.
Be accurate in thought and heart.
Your emotions are your’s. No one is responsible for how you feel. They are responsible and accountable for their actions and words. And how you react or act, is upon you. This is good, for you control (and influence) you. Therefore, you cannot be emotionally dragged around.
Speed. Likewise your thoughts can be highjacked. The aforementioned scenario of appalling words can also bring forth thoughts. Be accurate, these thoughts are derived from your emotions/emotional reaction. It’s akin to how smiling produced similar feelings. Pure intellect is sans emotions, so hateful, angry, sad, happy, joyful, etc thoughts are tied to emotions and/or beliefs. Encourage and reinforce the thoughts and emotions that benefit and serve you.
The spiritual path. Unlike emotions and thoughts, our beliefs are very slow to change. It’s this steadfastness, this near unchanging, that make them excellent life headings. However, one first has to truly discover their deeply held convictions, and organize them. Strengthen, craft, and discard. It is surprising how many preconception and prejudices we unrecognizingly built up over our lives and interactions.
After bomb drop our “cars” are all over the place.
Our emotional car is zooming along, just running flat out. Way ahead, then zoom! way behind. At times gone around the next curve in the road. Influence with thought and physical actions.
Our physical car is usually stuck out of gear. Engine revving away and going nowhere. We sit, directionless and motionless. Our fight or flight mechanism in full swing and us chock full of adrenaline. GAL is controllable, and gives those revs something to do. Sweating it out exerts influence upon that emotional car too.
Our intellectual car is the heart of “focus on you”. Logic and reason. Sword and shield. Everything you are efforting to accomplish, your healing, your growth, letting go, detaching, GAL, focus, withdrawal, not snooping, and so on; all is controlled or (mostly) influence here.
Our spiritual car is the least felt at BD. Everything was blown up. Who you believed your spouse was. Your definitions of family, love, faithful, vows, and so on; all questioned. So many doubts. Yet, in time, this all settles, and we do grow. This car and path yield the fruit of acceptance and forgiveness.
The realm of beliefs and those spiritual tenets is difficult to put into words or even feel. Words are the intellectual path. Feelings are the emotional path. Faith is the spiritual path. Faith, hope, standing, comes from deep within. An incredible wellspring of fortitude and strength.
When one has all four of their cars lined up side by side, and all travelling along the same heading and speed, there is peace and contentment.
I get that this is a large roadmap. The path you are on, life, is not about the destination, it’s about the journey.
This journey is traversed with each individual small step. Detachment is but one of the milestones along the path.
Be accurate in thought and heart. And do or do not, there is no try.
A couple of specific things from your quotes:
Focus on you. I complete get the need for a certain amount of understanding before one can/will let go. We all focus on our spouse at first. Focusing on you, is not about forgoing your spouse or forgoing rationalizing or forgoing finding understanding. It’s about ensuring you look after you.
Being accurate. The most powerful car at your disposal is your intellect. And the language of your intellect is words. Speak it well and accurately, for you are controlling and influencing yourself, be it intentional and known or not.
“But”. This word is often utilized in such a way that it reinforces an unrealized justification of a behaviour one knows is not helpful. Read your above quotes with removing the word but. It’s a small cumulative change, effect, step towards detachment.
Likewise, “try”. Try predisposes one to assign equal probability to both succeed and fail. That’s probability, not possibility. When one tries, they will attempt with both outcomes equally acceptable. Do or do not. Doing, will not guarantee success. It does setup one’s attempt and outlook better though.
Quote
As someone who cares for her, it’s tough to watch because I do want to protect her. But trying to come I am coming to terms with that I need to let her fall before she realizesmight realize things.
I also added “might” realize. Accuracy. No one can see all ends. She might, she might not.
The future is known and unwritten. Hope lives in the possibility. Do have faith.
You have the gift of time, use it wisely. Do live and love you life.
Have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
