Dig for patience. Continue to leave H to his path.
However, do not forget about you. Like I said, boundaries. They are very important. People will treat you as you allow them to. H is emotionally very much like a teenager, and will test you. He will push against every one of your boundaries and buttons.
You don’t blow up, you don’t take the bait, you simply enact the enforcement you previously rationally decided upon when crafting the boundary for H’s behaviour.
Also, be diligent to not sweep things under the rug.
Originally Posted by jessieht
he is being nicer our last big monstering was the weekend he moved came back. He left in a rage and then came back 45 minutes later and acted like nothing happened the next day.
Originally Posted by jessieht
We are definitely better today than we were two months ago. and he is acting better also. but the avoidance and withdrawal are so hard to deal with.
There will be a tendency for H to avoid dealing with his emotions, responsibilities, accountability, etc. That’s a pretty big item for why he is in this current crisis situation. You can state to him there is a certain level of behaviour required to live under your roof.
It a bit of a razor edge. H does need to express his frustrations and other confusing feelings. Yet, you are not his emotional punching bag. He can get an actual punching bag and sweat out his feelings upon it. Or go for a run, or some other physical activity.
By the sounds of things, H has times of lucidity and openness to such a suggestion. A willingness to consider a better path or option. He is reconnecting with you and his family, even taking the dog for rides; all much better behaviours than months ago.
My thoughts are with H being 39 he could sweep this present crisis under the rug, avoid it, and it will come back later at more midlife age, like 50ish. At half century life’s mortality pushes differently, careers are winding down, the time left for life’s possibilities is much more in one’s face, kids are grown, and so on. A delayed crisis, when it comes back is much worse.
Anyhow, you cannot control H’s path. You can exert some influence though. And the best way for that is to live your life. Be your best self. And let H catch up to you.
Be that strong confident stable gal who doesn’t walk on eggshells, does not pretzel herself, loves fully, and doesn’t take no cr@p.
Understanding, kind, compassionate, empathetic, forgiving, and not a doormat.
While/when H behaves like a teenager, treat him like one. And for the most part, that’s letting him be. Remember, depression is ever present in a crisis, so there is plenty of brooding and sitting alone. H being home, you will see what he could hide before. You will see his mask slip much more often.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
