We will need another good wind storm to loose the rest of the leaves off the trees here. The Oaks around are mostly bare, but during my walk today in the woods with S the maples were letting a handful of their golden leaves at a time float down from their great heights to settle on the stream and it’s banks.
Regarding how/when to respond to W, I am keeping it to basic necessities about kids’ and grandchild’s needs and money. I am trying to discern the utility, necessity and urgency of what needs a response and when. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell, in which I have been going with the 24-48 hr approach. I have also been employing a BIFF (a framework to guide communication with difficult people) reminder for my necessary communication with her:
B brief I informative F friendly - like with a bank teller F firm
You asked me, “What do you want her to see? What would you like to tell her? And I mean, your demonstrated behaviours not words.” I want to see in the mirror my reflected responsibility purpose and consistency, and as I live that I hope that she will experience that in my actions. I like your emphasis on my behaviors over my words and having and executing plans rather than talking about plans.
I am considering adopting weekly only communication. I have had stretches of that and it has been a really good break for me. I feel better, more stable and settled with less contact with her. For many months now I have her text tone to silence and no vibrate. I also changed all of my ring and text tones. I had been noticing a stress response in me from the old tones when she would contact me.
Now, after her return from her trip this summer, she has been engaging much more with our youngest 2 kids and also initiating more contact with me. I don’t take it to mean anything really and I am staying my course and doing somewhat better with detachment. I am being neutrally supportive of their Rs, without setting things up or facilitating any family time with W. Leaving them to arrange and follow through. W has been communicating relevant details to me - pickups and drop offs etc.
Also not long after my trip to visit D and GD, W and eldest D have reconnected. W is planning to visit them herself next week. She has shared to me that the thought of this upcoming trip is stressful and overwhelming, I hope it goes well and they are able to have healthy relationships.
And yes, as you say, “ the real underlying question is, who do I want to be? It’s my life, who am I going to be?
