You’re feeding her. Ego, narrative, justification, etc.
She’s fired you as husband. Pull back on providing emotional support. Be more a roommate, and without benefits.
Yea I realize that now. Not something I think of in the moment. She seems to be easier to detach than I am. Oddly enough she has girl friends at work that rub her neck and she said they cant do it as good as I can. Im sure that is just something she says to keep me holding on though.
Originally Posted by DnJ
This is justification for you to keep doing something you know you should cease. I mean do you see her coming over for a neck rub after the house is sold and you are living separately?
I honestly feel like she knows this is going to be a mistake and she may not realize how big until she is out on her own. She has talked about so much of how she is going to struggle. I honestly see her wanting to come back maybe eventually. But I cant rely on that and nor will I wait on that. Once I get out of this house, then I think things will be better. So many memories and emotions tied to this house and just reminds me of all the good things we had and that there may be a sliver of hope somewhere. BUt its false hope I feel like.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Exactly! And she’s told you this several times. Hold her to task on this. Implement a boundary on this disrespect. For you. Not as punishment or some manipulation. For your mental and emotional health.
Yea def struggle here with creating boundaries. How do you create a boundary and block out the emotional stuff and not let it get to you. She says stuff like "this doesn't change anything" and then proceeds to get her needs met. Meanwhile Im the one left holding the bag of emotional mess.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Such a bias based leading question. She’s walking you into answering in a specific way and furthering her justifications. No R-talks! Not for a long long time!
She’s knows all this. You’ve already told her several times. She not interesting in learning what you and her could have done to improve, she knows your answers and she is back to hear them again to reinforce whatever it is she takes from it. Stop telling her. It hasn’t stopped her pushing for separating, nor is altering her feelings, as she keeps telling you and herself. She is using your words against what your are after.
Her point of view is obvious in the manner in which she asks her question. “Could have done to improve our relationship, to not let it get to this point.” That promotes and furthers her feelings of credence that the relationship was poor, and it is actually at a point. Some point of no return. Anything you say, confirming or refuting, will get morphed/warped to reinforce her viewpoint.
Yea I never looked at this way. You're right though. I have told her these things many times and it doesnt need repeated. She knows how I feel and where things could have improved. Never thought about it validating her reasoning for wanting to walk. BUt I can see how it would looking back on it now.
Originally Posted by DnJ
From where I sit, W is saying conflicting things, feeling many things, and her actions are chaotic. Give her space to sort out herself. When she comes by to see if you knocked on her door, she knows you didn’t. She’s feeling something. Maybe some regret, some wee “hey, maybe I’m going down the wrong road here”. Let her feel that. And don’t relieve her of it, nor take it from her. Let that rest fully upon her head and shoulders.
Yea I know this is hitting hard for her right now since we have potential real buyers on the house and if not its getting listed this week. She actually left tonight to go stay at her friends house because she doesnt want to sleep on the couch anymore after she had a taste of sleeping back in our bed this morning. Plus she said her stomach is in knots from all of this and she needs to get away to help her cope with things. She isnt doing any healing. She is deflecting and not working on herself in that way. She is def acting chaotic in the sense that she is trying to rationalize her feelings and she is constantly going back on her feelings but fighting them because she feels like this is something she has to do for some reason. only because I have said things that have hurt her in the past and she cant let those go according to her. Its a struggle watching her go down this path.
She talks about the struggles she is going to encounter when she is going to be living on her own. Just lots of ways. How she has to harbor money from the divorce because she is worried she may get sick again and be out of work. She talked again tonight about how she hates her job and has to figure out what her options are there. She knows damn well that she had the option to stay with me and she wouldnt even have to work or worry about medical or financial things. She is heading down this winding road as fast as she can in an 18 wheeler. As someone who cares for her, its tough to watch because I do want to protect her. But trying to come to terms with that I need to let her fall before she realizes things. Hell she may not even come back then as stubborn as she is. But that cant be my priority and I struggle with it not being because of the connection. How do I break that so I dont care or try to stop it???
Originally Posted by DnJ
People will treat you as you allow them to.
You can care about her, even love her, and yet not like her. It’s ok.
Truth there. I do care. I do love her. I don't like the way she is acting and the chaos she is creating though. She has steam rolled me during this whole thing. Giving me constant false hope. Saying one thing one minute and then doing another. Its just played with my emotions and has me torn. I have to find out how to disconnect and pull back more. I struggle here with that part.
off to another session of IC. Sometimes I wonder if the therapy helps. I feel like it does but not sure if its real or just me trying to make it somehow real.
