Not even sure where to start

[DnJ]

Good Morning dl

Went to bed last night and later on she comes up to my room and asks me if I knocked on her door (um nope). I can tell she wanted attention.

Yep. Good to see your radar is working.

She asked if I would rub her neck since with her medical condition she gets alot of tightness in her neck and pain in her ear. Of course I did rub her (maybe I shouldnt have and pushed her away).

You’re feeding her. Ego, narrative, justification, etc.

She’s fired you as husband. Pull back on providing emotional support. Be more a roommate, and without benefits.

But felt she is someone I care for on a level that is more than our relationship to some extent.

This is justification for you to keep doing something you know you should cease. I mean do you see her coming over for a neck rub after the house is sold and you are living separately?

She said it doesnt change anything on how she feels (almost like she has to tell herself this multiple times to confirm it to herself).

Exactly! And she’s told you this several times. Hold her to task on this. Implement a boundary on this disrespect. For you. Not as punishment or some manipulation. For your mental and emotional health.

One of the things we like to do is ask random questions.

Detach. Let go. Be busy. Do something else.

She asked me what she could have done to improve our relationship to not let it get to this point.

Such a bias based leading question. She’s walking you into answering in a specific way and furthering her justifications. No R-talks! Not for a long long time!

I told her communication. Not harboring feelings and being real with me about them. She said she tried talking to me. I told her I didnt feel like her talking wasnt noticeable enough for me to see or we would have addressed things on the spot.

She’s knows all this. You’ve already told her several times. She not interesting in learning what you and her could have done to improve, she knows your answers and she is back to hear them again to reinforce whatever it is she takes from it. Stop telling her. It hasn’t stopped her pushing for separating, nor is altering her feelings, as she keeps telling you and herself. She is using your words against what your are after.

Her point of view is obvious in the manner in which she asks her question. “Could have done to improve our relationship, to not let it get to this point.” That promotes and furthers her feelings of credence that the relationship was poor, and it is actually at a point. Some point of no return. Anything you say, confirming or refuting, will get morphed/warped to reinforce her viewpoint.

I wake up this morning before my alarm goes off and she is laying in our bed kind of lightly sleeping! I was like umm whoa.

Want a 180? Put a lock on the door. Go to bed. Go to sleep. And don’t answer the door. You didn’t order a pizza. There ain’t some Amazon package getting delivered. You know who it is. Tell her, I’m going to sleep. Talk to you tomorrow.

From where I sit, W is saying conflicting things, feeling many things, and her actions are chaotic. Give her space to sort out herself. When she comes by to see if you knocked on her door, she knows you didn’t. She’s feeling something. Maybe some regret, some wee “hey, maybe I’m going down the wrong road here”. Let her feel that. And don’t relieve her of it, nor take it from her. Let that rest fully upon her head and shoulders.

I see that pulling back makes her realize or at least question her decision. She admitted that talking with me hurts her because of the feelings she has.

Good. Do more of what works, and less of what doesn’t. Pull way back.

Something for you: My friends don’t treat me this way.

Think about that. It’s also a good truth dart to toss into one of those conversations.

Is W’s behaviour that of a friend?

People will treat you as you allow them to.

You can care about her, even love her, and yet not like her. It’s ok.

Be a cordial, kind, roommate.

D