Interesting enough thats what I was trying to do somewhat. Went to bed last night and later on she comes up to my room and asks me if I knocked on her door (um nope). I can tell she wanted attention. She asked if I would rub her neck since with her medical condition she gets alot of tightness in her neck and pain in her ear. Of course I did rub her (maybe I shouldnt have and pushed her away). But felt she is someone I care for on a level that is more than our relationship to some extent. She said it doesnt change anything on how she feels (almost like she has to tell herself this multiple times to confirm it to herself). Afterwards, she asked if we could go grab a sandwich. So I obliged as I was hungry as well. Well we got to talking some. One of the things we like to do is ask random questions. She asked me what she could have done to improve our relationship to not let it get to this point. I told her communication. Not harboring feelings and being real with me about them. She said she tried talking to me. I told her I didnt feel like her talking wasnt noticeable enough for me to see or we would have addressed things on the spot. That lots of time women communicate with their spouses but dont get their attention when they do. So I wound up asking her the same thing back. She said for me to listen to her when she comes to me with important stuff. I validated by saying I understand how hurtful that would have been to not have someone you care about feeling like they are ignoring you on something serious to you. There was some other lite conversations. Well we got back to the house and before I walked up stairs she stopped me and gave me a comforting hug. Nothing was said. Just hugged for a minute and then went our separate ways.
Oddly enough I wake up this morning before my alarm goes off and she is laying in our bed kind of lightly sleeping! I was like umm whoa. She asked me if I was working out to which I said of course. She wanted the bed to herself for an hour. She has always loved our bed since we bought it earlier this year. I came back upstairs afterwards and showered and laid in bed as well. didnt touch her or anything. just laid there resting myself since it was a late night before I got to bed. She slept and I rested. She got up an hour later and went downstairs to get ready and leave and told me to have a great day on her way out the door. And she actually helped around the house before she left out. Which she hasnt been doing.
It does affect my emotions being around her but I felt better this time around. I felt myself pulling away emotionally and detaching some even with her laying there. I felt this was her decision and she hurt me in more ways than I could have imagined. I know she was and is hurting. I get that. But it goes both ways here. Fault lies on both sides. I didnt have the urge to just have cake eating with her. that was a win in itself. I do care for her as a person though and with her medical conditions I help if she needs some. I try to not offer or anything as I dont want to give her any impressions.
You absolutely should not have rubbed her neck.
I know you think you did good, with the discussion about communication and then her falling asleep in the bed, but what you’ve done has affirmed to her that continue to look after her despite her treating you poorly.
Actions always speak louder than words. She’s still saying she’s leaving. Until she is sleeping in the bed every night and wants to reconcile, assume she is still proceeding with divorce.
I see a strong connection between your emotional happiness and having spent some time with her. Last few days you were spiralling, then you have had one good interaction with her, and now you feel much better.
This is the dopamine hit/drug user analogy that DNJ spoke about. I’d really caution against allowing if and how you interact with her to change your emotions, because it will keep reinforcing the “I’m happy when I have her.”
You really need to become emotionally impervious to her. You should feel the same whether she sleeps in the bed next to you for a few hours vs if you do something that makes her rage in anger at you. Completely disconnect your happiness from time or interactions with her.
