yea realizing that more and more as the days go on. No talking my way back into this one.
Originally Posted by DnJ
No cake eating. Friends with benefits, doesn’t benefit.
Agreed. and have been sticking to this thus far. Some development below on sight
Originally Posted by DnJ
Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself. I know how difficult that is. I really do. There is such a pain, such a pull, to our spouse. To the old normal.
Withdrawal hurts! Horribly!
The loss, especially the ripping away, of romantic love hurts like crazy. A real hurt. Our psyche manifests its pain physically within our chest. Heartbreak. My goodness, my heart and chest hurt, ceaselessly, for such a long time.
Withdrawal of one’s spouse and that relationship is a pain similar to heroin withdrawal (from what I’ve read). And so is the pull back. The pull to reconnect and get another hit. Your brain is hurting/screaming for the dopamine that once flowed so freely due to that relationship.
Yea I understand this now more. Its crazy how much the similarities are here. Just like this and wanting to feel closer and back on that emotional high. Having it rip from you feels like a detox (not that I would know in the drug sense). Just never realized how much emotions are raw and real!
Originally Posted by DnJ
You control you. Thoughts, actions, and reactions. And no where does this come into play more then now. Control your thoughts with reason and logic. Read here. Read books. Speak with an IC. Take logical and reasoned actions based upon those rational thoughts and advice. Limit emotional reactionary outbursts and nonproductive actions.
Yea I like what was said earlier. Emotional response is a short term thing and logical response is long term. Kind of stuck and something to think about before responding and reacting!
Originally Posted by DnJ
Schedule times to feel. You have to feel this withdrawal. Make time, else it will overwhelm at sudden and inopportune times.
Do physical activity. You control your intellect and you physical actions. Go for a run. Dig a hole. Punch a punching bag. Sweat out your emotions, anger, and frustrations.
Def need to do some scheduling. I feel it and it creeps on me and I do pretty good at holding it back but there are times that I just need to release in a sense all the emotional parts of it. Been back working out which has been great. and did alot of GAL over the weekend with friends. Great again. Just need to get on with things in my life at this point and starting a new job in 2 weeks may help.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Focus on you. No cake eating. Give W time and space. Go dim/dark.
working on this. been pulling back some more if I can. but sometimes I slip and fall back in because of the emotions. Def need to improve in this area.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Look, W is toying with you. Be it purposefully or not, matters not. It is not good for you.
She speaks of having feelings for you, but she can’t get over what you previously said and did. Look dl, she’s a hot mess. Let go.
She needs to feel the loss of you. I realize, so far, she just cuts out things and people for her life instead of dealing with it. It would be very understandable for you to be fearful of similar treatment as her Dad received. There is nothing you can do about that. You cannot control her, nor how she chooses to deal with, run away from, her emotions.
The more you keep going down this path, the more you push her to the door. Let go. Give her lots of time and space for her feelings to subside and maybe other feelings to stir within her. That is going to take longer than you want it to. Sorry man. It just is.
Interesting enough thats what I was trying to do somewhat. Went to bed last night and later on she comes up to my room and asks me if I knocked on her door (um nope). I can tell she wanted attention. She asked if I would rub her neck since with her medical condition she gets alot of tightness in her neck and pain in her ear. Of course I did rub her (maybe I shouldnt have and pushed her away). But felt she is someone I care for on a level that is more than our relationship to some extent. She said it doesnt change anything on how she feels (almost like she has to tell herself this multiple times to confirm it to herself). Afterwards, she asked if we could go grab a sandwich. So I obliged as I was hungry as well. Well we got to talking some. One of the things we like to do is ask random questions. She asked me what she could have done to improve our relationship to not let it get to this point. I told her communication. Not harboring feelings and being real with me about them. She said she tried talking to me. I told her I didnt feel like her talking wasnt noticeable enough for me to see or we would have addressed things on the spot. That lots of time women communicate with their spouses but dont get their attention when they do. So I wound up asking her the same thing back. She said for me to listen to her when she comes to me with important stuff. I validated by saying I understand how hurtful that would have been to not have someone you care about feeling like they are ignoring you on something serious to you. There was some other lite conversations. Well we got back to the house and before I walked up stairs she stopped me and gave me a comforting hug. Nothing was said. Just hugged for a minute and then went our separate ways.
Oddly enough I wake up this morning before my alarm goes off and she is laying in our bed kind of lightly sleeping! I was like umm whoa. She asked me if I was working out to which I said of course. She wanted the bed to herself for an hour. She has always loved our bed since we bought it earlier this year. I came back upstairs afterwards and showered and laid in bed as well. didnt touch her or anything. just laid there resting myself since it was a late night before I got to bed. She slept and I rested. She got up an hour later and went downstairs to get ready and leave and told me to have a great day on her way out the door. And she actually helped around the house before she left out. Which she hasnt been doing.
It does affect my emotions being around her but I felt better this time around. I felt myself pulling away emotionally and detaching some even with her laying there. I felt this was her decision and she hurt me in more ways than I could have imagined. I know she was and is hurting. I get that. But it goes both ways here. Fault lies on both sides. I didnt have the urge to just have cake eating with her. that was a win in itself. I do care for her as a person though and with her medical conditions I help if she needs some. I try to not offer or anything as I dont want to give her any impressions.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Focus on you. GAL. Live your life.
Def did more of this over the weekend than I have in a long time! just need to expand on it and keep doing it which I already have plans for more of it.
Originally Posted by DnJ
The path is so counterintuitive. Like I said when you first got here, the best fastest way to a possible reconciliation is in the opposite direction.
Get up. Dust off. And get back on track.
Stay strong. Logic and reason.
Agreed with you 100%. I see that pulling back makes her realize or at least question her decision. She admitted that talking with me hurts her because of the feelings she has. It will get worse here soon when she moves out. At least for her. I feel like that will only help me more with detaching. Thats been my focus mostly. I do slip but feel like days get better the more I pull back. try to think about things before I say them, at least for the most part. I do get the emotional responses from time to time and they usually tend to bite me in the butt. So realizing that I need to pull back and use logic here and focus on GAL and myself and what my future looks like and becoming a better man for myself 1st and if that helps in the R at all with the W then so be it. Just cant be doing all of these things in hopes that she will change her mind. Hope will leave you hanging.
