This woman knows she has something over you, and is holding the position of power.
The fact she appears to be doing it deliberately and taking enjoyment from it is even worse.
I’m not sure how you can be attracted to someone who will take joy in messing with your head?
Perhaps you need a different IC? Any decent IC should be able to help this very easily.
Please, for the sake of your self respect and any slim chances of future reconciliation, put a lid on your desires in front of her.
At the moment, she sees a weak, easily manipulated, in love puppy dog that she has on a string. While she might get enjoyment from teasing you like this, it means she has ZERO respect for you. Women won’t reconcile with a man they don’t respect. Every time you play submissive and weak to try and get her in bed, you’re cementing a future without her.
Next time she looks you up and down provocatively and waits for you to crumble, just say “Hey. I’m going out to a new bar tomorrow night, I’ll need you to watch the kids.” And then don’t wait for an answer, just turn about face and leave.
Also, you need a new wardrobe, aftershave, shoes and haircut.
Don’t have younger friends at your work? Ask them to go shopping with you.
Women generally love shopping, even if it’s for someone else. If you have a female colleague at work who is 8-10 years younger, tell her you are going through a breakup and want to modernise your look but don’t know where to start. Ask if she will come shopping with you, because inevitably a younger person will push you out of your fashion comfort zone and help you look more modern.
I totally agree. It messes with my head and needs to get under control. Going to have to start ignoring her advances. She even sent me a picture tonight if her dressed up in her Halloween costume for the party that we were supposed to have but now her work team is doing. So Yea just the constant keeping me on a string that needs cut.
Agree on the respect. If I can't even respect myself and being this puppy dog then she won't ever respect me as well. I have to get that respect back like u said if any chance of any sort of reconcile. Have to find new ways of doing the detach in person. I like your advice there. Kids wouldn't apply since we have older kids and no need tow arch them. But I get the direction there.
I have switched my cologne and she has noticed. But havent switched much else because we have been watching money since we are in the both same account right now and have been letting each other know when we are spending from that joint account. Soon to change in that though in a few weeks. So will be able to get new clothes and things then. No young colleague. New job starts in 2 weeks and will be fully remote. So can't do much in that way. But understand the direction being implied. Have to get creative somehow there.
Hard to deal with the whole cake thing but have to get it under control soon!!!!!
Thanks and any advice is always welcome and helps!
She even sent me a picture tonight if her dressed up in her Halloween costume for the party that we were supposed to have but now her work team is doing. So Yea just the constant keeping me on a string that needs cut.
Assuming she texted the picture, hopefully you did not respond. Don't respond to texts unless there's a question. And even then, keep the responses as short as possible.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
Yea I was an idiot and responded. Shouldn't have but did. Just told her to have a good night as well. Well she came home today. I came home after. Lite discussions. Only related to house selling stuff. No discussions regarding R at all which I'm fine with cause it helps me detach some. Still love this W and want something with her but keep telling myself that she made this decision and hers only. So anyways. I went to get up and was in the kitchen. She came in and was kind of blocking me and of course in her robe. Well she asked if I had a good time last night. Told her of course. She asked what I did and I told her I went out. She asked what I did. I told her she doesn't get to ask that now lol. Probably more of a smart a$$ answer but how I felt. Well of course she baited me and I asked her how her Friday was since I didn't know what she did and was curious. Not that it matters in the end. She said she would tell me once I told her about my plans Saturday night. We have outdoor cameras and can see when people are coming and going. Which I'm sure she watched cause I dressed up when I went out. But I left the conversation alone. She went back to packing and stuff and I went and started working on the house.
Just crazy all of this. Pulling back does make her more curious I see but not trying to let her back in too much right now. She doesn't get that. She wanted this and this was her decision. She doesn't get to play both sides. I'm done with that. I care for her and it's tough. But I'm tough enough to put up a front and wall as well! Haha
So I'm a dumb A$$. Last night sent a text to her boss/really good friends husband. Just asking him if we are brothers if he would tell me if there was OM. About 5 minutes after I sent it I realized it was wrong and followed it back up with a sorry and ignore and why it was wrong to ask. He never did respond. Well W came up just a bit ago. She said it's said that I think she is doing this for OM. And asking about that. She is right. I told her I realized it after I sent it and that's why I apologized for it. And never wanted to cause any more tension. So we just talked for a bit. Mostly me rambling on about head space and feelings and stuff. Her chiming in some. We talked about the cake and how she is teasing lately and I can't do that and won't do that because it doesn't help with everything and she agreed and said that's why she says no touching right now because she can't break the emotions away from the cake. She said she thinks the therapy is helping me. And said I will find someone one day. And have a lot to offer. But it won't be her because she can't let things go from her past. That she just wants the house sold and papers signed so we can get on with our lives. I told her I hope therapy helps her and gives her some insight. She said it has and I said hopefully it helps with learning forgiveness. She said she can forgive but we only be able to be together because she won't able to get over the things in the past and she will be just reliving them. And it would bring up old emotions that isn't good for her head space. I understand where she is coming from. Seriously think she needs to find her way and what that looks like is up to her. She doesn't have a problem cutting people out of her life. I told her I own up to what I said in the past to hurt her and can't ever change that. But learn and become a better person from the mistakes I made and it also takes 2 and she never told me that she was harboring all of this inside or we could have helped with dealing with it and addressing it when it did happen. So I dunno at this point. Head and heart are all over the place. I see the D coming down the line and feel like there is nothing I can do to stop or slow it down. Shouldn't even be my focus right now either. But hard to not think about being in the same house and having those emotions. Just all of it has me all over the place in every aspect. Wish we could at least have some sort of friendship or closeness to be able to talk. But she is past that I feel in a sense. And just wants to move on. She seems to have detached more than I have and I know it's because she has had more time to come to this decision . She has to figure her life out and what that looks like. I have to do the same. Day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute.
Another convo with the W. Just lite convo about our R and whatnot. She was going along. But asked her about our convo. She said she feels like she can't have conversation with me because it hurts her due to her still having feelings and she has to break that hurt from herself. That's why she can't carry conversation much and def not on the R. Told her I understand and don't want to hurt her and if she felt like talking about our R hurt her then we can avoid that all together and keep our conversation to house selling and relevant stuff. She was getting tears in her eyes. She has pain. She has an emotional connection still. She is trying to push that down and away. Hence the reason for her moving out sooner as well and pushing the D I feel like. Because she doesn't want to go back on her decision. Just crazy that she has these feelings still and I feel like there is a love there. She just is hurt and doesn't know how to deal with it I feel like. She said therapy has been great and she is down to every 2 weeks now. But if she feels these emotions and the hurt from pulling away then why are we doing this???? Why can't we talk this out and figure things out. Why can't we realize this was. Big communication breakdown and we have feelings and can make this work. Why does she feel like she has to cut it out? Why does she have a hard time letting go of things in the past? She said that she knows I was always here for her and I told her my actions were louder than my words. I was always by her side and trying to help with anything I could. She said she doesn't let me help her now because of that. I made her life too comfortable and she became too dependent on me and she needed to stop that and that's why she won't let me help with anything now. She has pain. I feel that. I just don't know if there is anything I can do to help that. I have pain. And seeing her on pain causes me pain because of the feelings I have for her. I'm not sure where our lives are headed. I want the best for her and for her to be happy. We both have told each other those but it's hard and emotions are real between us. She feels this is the best decision for her because of the head space she is in. So I feel like I'm not sure what else I can do besides letting her walk and me trying to pick up the pieces on me end and figure out how to move forward no matter how hard it is. The pain will subside and I will heal. But it's a long journey for me and I feel like her.....
Please know that my comments are coming from a place of kindness. But I think you need some brutal honesty here.
What the hell are you doing?
You’re like a moth to a flame. You just can’t help yourself and you keep making things worse.
Part of you comes here and says you know you need to stop being so weak in front of her and she needs to respect you, and next minute you’re having D&Ms with her in the kitchen or messaging her boss at work.
The advice on your thread has been pretty clear cut - to ignore her, stop engaging, and work on you. And it seems at the moment you are coming here for advice, but doing the complete oppposite.
You should read Rockon’s threads from start to finish. An absolute train wreck of good advice meets inconsistent DB behaviour and then excuses when challenged about it.
She has zero respect for you. Why don’t you have some for yourself?
Don’t you feel like you deserve someone who treats you right? I asked this earlier and I’ll ask this again - how can you be attracted to her when she treats you with such disrespect?
You need to go back to basics.
1. Stop ALL interactions 2. Read DB 3. Read Cadet’s welcome thread and EVERY link contained therein
We want the best for you mate, we really do. But here from the cheap seats, you seem to be regularly placing the final nails in the coffin of your marriage.
Every time you think you can TALK her out of this (either in person or through messages/phone calls) I want you to picture a coffin that says “Marriage” lowering itself into the ground.
I agree with everything you are saying there. And understand what I NEED to do. Never in my life would I expect to be doing something this hard. Have always been good at solving things and fixing things and building things. Guess I have alot of emotional trauma from the years that's never been fixed or healed. I don't really have much with family anymore. 25D is the only one I talk to on the regular. And the one person who I built a life for and around just pulled the rug out and it's got my head and heart all confused and the back and forth on everything just seems like mountains at times. Def need to stick with counseling though. It's hard to not push or talk R talk because I see how she feels and the emotions she is going through. And part of me wants to be there for her because I have always been. I know and she knows after our talks today that no more cake or anything in that direction because there is emotions tied to them. I feel like this will be easier once we are living in our own and can heal in our own ways. I feel and hear you on the disrespect and I know my own demons that I have to fight on that. Lots of self improvement needed. It's hard because if I didn't care I wouldn't have any feelings towards her and have no problem just cutting out conversation and anyone that plays games, I do it enough with everyone else in my life that comes across that way with me or my family. But when feelings with her become involved its crazy how much it changes things and seems like it's a mountain I'm struggling to climb.
I will def go back and read Rockon comments.
I finally got the DB and DR books. Need to dive in.
I feel like I just look for answers and any crack or door opening I can get through. Kind of last resort and hail Mary so to speak but don't think that is going to work here and that's the hard part. Just trying to go through it losing my W, the life we built, the best friends we were to each other, my home and everything we went through life getting and doing for it. The memories that lie in the house and lives still. I know it's probably aggravating giving me advice because I know what I need to do even if it's not what I want to do.
Thank you Kind and the rest of BB group for everything. Truly appreciate it and has helped me tremendously in more ways that I would have ever thought.
Decisions made by our brain come from two places - either emotions or reasoning.
Every time you make a decision about her or potentially interacting with her or her boss of friends or family, you need to ask yourself this question:
Is it the emotional (short term) or logical reasoning (long term) part of my brain which is has decided this is a good idea?
This is definitely emotional reactions I have. Her bosses husband is the one I asked. Me and him were close through the years. It was dumb and I feel like an idiot because that is NOT the person I want to be or become. I have a hard time keeping the emotional part from overrunning my logical part. I'm an engineer by trade so my brain is more detailed thinking and trying to solve problems. This is not that and can't be approached by that. It's a emotional thing and I struggle on those right now. Def need to work in this area.
