Not Lost Anymore!Being the best version of ME!

[DnJ]

Hello Patt

H has made a few comments in conversation that insinuate that I can’t change and won’t change and any changes I make now are just temporary and I would revert back.

That’s a pretty common thought, and unfortunately lots of people do revert back. I know you realize, making changes for yourself better promotes permanence, than making them for one’s spouse.

But it really irks me because I always see the best in people and believe in people and believe anything is possible if you want it enough or want to change yourself enough.

You asked for advice on managing things correctly. Let’s say managing better. Right, wrong; correct, incorrect; positive, negative; things are usually more gray.

I think it’s better to consider removing the strikethrough bit from above. True, it’s valid. Yet such constrictions, and listing only two (there must be more ways, right?), promotes that belief with you. Change is possible. Believe that! Live that! The rest actually tears such a tenet down.

Why are you irked? Your beliefs and convictions do not require H to comply or believe in them.

Seeing the best in people is admirable. Do you believe people will do their best? Or do you believe people have good/better/best qualities within? Or do you believe that people can exhibit good qualities? There is an expectation that can slip in here. And unmet expectations lead to resentments, and those irksome times.

H’s insinuating. Sounds like he is projecting his feelings upon you. It’s also kind of a test.

Seeing the best, anything is possible:

What H is doing is positive good progress. He recognizes change. He even articulates change. I’m referring to the concept of change here. H sees it.

He also sees your changes. And he is questioning them. Are they permanent? Will she revert? Is this just manipulation? All his feelings, his path. All valid steps of his path.

In such questions, H is questioning himself.

Realize, H has an image in his mind, a crafted image, a justification; of you, him, and the situation; all of which is slowly being altered. Takes time.

He has the mentality now of “people can’t change” .

At the moment, this is his answer. No point arguing it with him. You and I could debate such, yet H still runs from a logical and rational discussion. He cannot yet handle opening the door on such big feelings.

And yet, do see the best in this. H articulated it. He stated where he is at. The first step in any change, in realizing where one presently is. Granted, H’s realization is a bit more in his subconscious right now.

One has to first be “people can’t change”. Then, “people won’t change”. Then, “people can change”. Then, one who realizes they can, it’s much more likely they will. Such an evolution from can’t to will is usually driven by consequences. Pain, hurt, sorrow, guilt, shame, and such. Change is most often prompted by one being uncomfortable. Can’t, won’t, can, will - each step taken usually begrudgingly.

I know H is frustrated at himself at how he feels etc and retaliates by dragging me with him.

H cannot drag you anywhere. You are dragging yourself there.

I feel so weak for not defending myself even though I know it would have played out bad.

I think I’m more angry at myself for not defending myself.

I feel weak for just biting my tongue all the time and disengaging.

I know my truths.

Do you believe your truths?

You are correct, engaging in some back and forth would have likely resulted in H stomping off in a huff. Why do you feel bad for not engaging?

I empathize with those weak feelings. There is a nice feedback when one lashes back, a momentary time of feeling quite powerful and strong. You can likely guess what I’m about to say . Feelings are fleeting. Those feeling of being strong get replaced with regret for taking such lashing out action/reaction.

It takes more strength to remain calm and at peace. A real inner strength. Near unshakable. An equanimity. Do you know what I speak of? You’ve felt that before, yes? Now, reinforce it. Believe it.

It’s a wonderful truth to live. And it does require altering of some previous predispositions and beliefs.

Strengthen that which serves, craft that which you aspire to, and discard or alter that which does not serve.

D