2nd Time Around

[DnJ]

Hello MrP

My condolences. I hope today goes smoothly, as you support your old collage roommate in their farewell to their Mother.

Did W decide if she is attending?

thanks for being so active in this community.

You are most welcome.

I'm still a bit stuck on the above issue:

Part of me wants to pick an attorney from the three I met so that I can tell W that, if she decides to move forward, have her attorney send the paperwork right to my attorney, rather than having a process server try to "serve" me at home or work. I'd like to avoid directly handling as much as possible. At the same time, that somewhat contradicts the thoughts DnJ previously shared about not "promoting divorce" and letting W come to me. I'd appreciate your thoughts, fellow DBers.

Taking some uncertainty off the board helps.

Lots of people struggle with “doing nothing is doing something”. Limbo, uncertainty, is so ingrained to be negative. Little wonder, one feels rather powerless when force into an uncertain situation, a period of neglect or oblivion.

Ah, feelings. Let them flit.

Limbo is truly not such a void, when one chooses it. Embraces it.

The results of purposefully embracing limbo and uncertainty are multi fold and surprising.

As I promote, if you need financial security or protection, get it. Elsewise, leave the heavy lifting to the spouse who wants out of the marriage. Following the latter path one only responds to actions towards separating and/or divorce. Responds to actions, not words.

For plenty of situations this focus on responding leads to quite a time of uncertainty. Lots of time and space for a Wayward, Walk-away, crisis spouse, or any mixture thereof, to feel their choices and repercussions of their life’s path. (A good thing, btw.)

I understand the feeling of being powerless. Taking charge, making a decision, has likely been the usual solution/strategy for dealing with problems. This problem doesn’t solve that easy. I’ve come to realize that life has many problems that are best resolved/dealt with by remaining uncertain.

Interestingly, choosing uncertainty actual bring a measure of certainty. Oh it’s so counterintuitive. When you choose to live and embrace limbo and uncertainty - you did that! You craft certainty. You are not powerlessly languishing in some force upon you limbo. You chose it. You took charge. You exercised control of you.

Presently, you feel lost and powerless. You feel W has all the power and your are but a leaf blown about in “her” storm. You’re not! You have agency. You have choice. You have control over your thoughts, actions, and reactions.

Pushing forward the machine of divorce would be a reaction. An emotional reaction. Instead, rationalize this. Utilize rational thoughts, and take rational actions. You control you. Employ your rational thoughts, take controlled and purposeful action, and control your reactions by taking none.

Embracing uncertainty also helps with detachment. For when you react, you are attached. So, as much as you work against it, you keep re-attaching yourself. Letting go, happens within. And that internal letting go is better reinforced with corresponding external actions. Best to take actions conducive to the goal.

So, how? What to do?

“Part of me wants to pick an attorney from the three I met so that I can tell W that, if she decides to move forward, have her attorney send the paperwork right to my attorney, rather than having a process server try to "serve" me at home or work.”

Ok. Valid.

However, why? Why do you want to tell her?

And only part of you? So there is a part that doesn’t want to?

Also, rationally, why would it matter where you get served paperwork?

Been there. And for me, it was emotional driven.

Embrace the uncertainty. Promote the uncertainty, instead of the divorce path. Choose a lawyer. Be prepared for if W decides to further things along. And that’s it. No other decision. And don’t tell her. Embrace limbo. Live in the uncertainty.

Embracing uncertainty and limbo does another amazing thing. It bring the realization that your problem is not a problem. You don’t have to find a solution. You don’t have to solve it. You can just let it be. And therefore it’s not a problem. Kind of odd how we define problems and are programmed to deal with them.

Possibilities live within uncertainty. And hope lives within the possibilities. Let hope live. Choose that. Live that.

“I'd like to avoid directly handling as much as possible. At the same time, that somewhat contradicts the thoughts DnJ previously shared about not "promoting divorce" and letting W come to me.”

I find limbo does limit your handling “as much as possible”. If you mean limit your handling to “none at all”, well that’s unrealistic.

Detachment / attachment is tricky. The more you fight - against attachment or for detachment, the more attached you get. Let go, and embrace something different. Embrace limbo. Consider, what better embodies detached (and indifferent) than limbo.

And by the way, limbo is only temporary. And only focused upon this singular facet of your life. Especially when you purposeful choose and set it up that way. All other aspects of your life, aside from your romantic life, are not in limbo. Yet another benefit in embracing.

I found limbo quelled my contractions and emotions. With no pressing need to solve, with a willingness to let the future unfold as it will, I could focus on other things. Me, the kids, parents, friends, work, birds singing, sunsets, grass, trees, housework, vacations, star gazing, trav… wait a minute.. housework?!? What the.. how did that get in the list? Really? Housework. My goodness. So many other things to choose from and I drop in housework. Sheesh!

LOL! I hope you laughed.

Live and love your life. Embrace it, above all.

D