Hey all Just need a bit of advice here on what to say or handle something and if I am managing correctly. It may sound minor but I realised it must on some level affect me because I am still thinking about it. I am female though so we do take everything to heart all the time. Mind you this all happened a few days after the “storming out “ when I didn’t really give him much about his salary boost and he had his hissy fit. H has made a few comments in conversation that insinuate that I can’t change and won’t change and any changes I make now are just temporary and I would revert back. He means this on alot of levels including on a sexual level because I made a really funny joke on the weekend that was a bit sexual after he said something that kind of set himself up for it. He laughed but then proceeded to tear me down saying “I would never do that”. Which isn’t true and I did say “I actually would and people can change ” . But he proceeded with the whole tearing me down making out I haven’t changed never will and people slip back to old ways etc. I just let it go and walked away as I knew he was going to start to get nasty. He had been drinking by this point so I knew nothing I said or did would stick. I knew his demons come out when he’s drinking. But it really irks me because I always see the best in people and believe in people and believe anything is possible if you want it enough or want to change yourself enough. He has the mentality now of “people can’t change” .
I know I did the right thing walking away and disengaging in him when he is drinking. I know he is probably just projecting his own frustrations on me. However it’s hard sometimes to not stand up for yourself and let them drag you down with their skewed perception of you.especially when it was someone who believed in you. I feel so weak for not defending myself even though I know it would have played out bad. He was already 2 beers, 3 glasses of wine, and 1/4 bottle of vodka down by this stage. I think I’m more angry at myself for not defending myself. I feel weak for just biting my tongue all the time and disengaging. I know my truths. I know H is frustrated at himself at how he feels etc and retaliates by dragging me with him. He’s so adamant I haven’t changed as a person and can’t and wont( gosh he’s becoming his stubborn dad with his same stubborn negative mentality). At least this won’t happen when he’s on the other side of the world
Weekend was good otherwise, despite H two moments of crapness. He tried to grovel with a coffee after his salary hissy fit where I didn’t really give him much but I declined it and he apologised for being triggered. I made myself pretty scarce that day and left the house if I knew he was coming over. Safe to say he’s had two “Magic moments” this weekend 😂what an absolute catch of a man. And yet I still believe in him and believe he can make his way through this.
I think back to months ago, this weekend would have ruined me with H magic moments. I would be a mess following them. It doesn’t even phase me now. Yes the words hurt a bit but nothing like before because before I would let him blame me and take it on board and really doubt and question myself. Now I know my truth and know he’s projecting his own feelings about himself.I am just the punching bag. But the punching back that doesn’t really respond or care much anymore
Did a long run over the weekend (that’s 4th run this week and really noticed huge improvements in my pace just from our lunch time trainings) had some girlfriends over and a great laugh and chat.Life is generally good even when people are trying to ruin it for me
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
