H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[KangaB]

Thank you Thornton and Sunflyer,

I took great strength out of what you both wrote over the last few days. When I read your encouragement and advice, I prayed and I went through the acceptance list that I’ve been writing and something lifted. I suddenly felt a sense of relief, to the point that I got inspired to learn how to DJ. I used to work in the Music industry and I have always wanted to learn to spin records. I’m not sure whether I will get to the point but I downloaded hundreds of songs and the genres I would like to play and started reading about the craft. The point is I haven’t felt this inspired in a long time. I also started thinking about a life without H and what that would look like if I decided to become a DJ just for fun. I loved watching DJ Ruth Flowers aka Mammy Rock on YouTube and how she did it.

The last few days, I’ve been going with the excitement of learning something new. It may never happen, but I’m relieved of the pain I have been feeling for quite a while. I then go back to the grief, but I’ve stopped crying a lot. I still don’t have a lot of energy, in fact I’m really tired. I’m just going with it and doing the things I need to do and then rest again.

I really need to hear some thoughts about MC. H and I are going to see my local Pastor on Monday and I have no idea what I want to say or how I should be. I welcome all suggestions and advice. H will manipulate the session I know that, he is already preparing.

H also sent me a strange text last night that said he feels like we are forgetting each other with a teary emoji. I didn’t reply until this morning and just said ‘same’ with teary emoji. It was the first honest text that I have received from H in months. After I sent the reply, I was sent a barrage of abuse and I’m going to put it here because I would really like to understand what is going on. If anyone would care to let me know their thoughts, I would appreciate it.

This is what H said…

Well I’ve done EVERYTHING you’ve asked of me, I’ve abided by the rules you have set. I’ve reached out to you any number of times. There’s only one person who can change this and that is you.

Unfortunately, you are the one who is writing on this wall, and each hour and each day that goes by where you can’t acknowledge this, and continue to hold on to your resentments and keep buying into the lies you keep telling yourself, just makes the situation even less and less recoverable.

What ever has clicked over in your mind you need to snap out of it. Right now!

Have a look and the table and chairs out there in your garden, and remember what it was like to sit there by yourself. Or driving just to have something to do. Or how tired your friends got when you would call them all the time.

If that’s what you want your life to be again, and maybe it is?? Maybe you have decided that you’ve checked marriage off the list and now this is your way of trying to find a way out???

It’s difficult for me because your words say you want to be in a marriage - but your actions show otherwise.

Right now all of your actions show that you’ve decided to move on in life without me.

Maybe you’re having an affair?

If that’s the case then just be honest and tell me. At least I’d know.

But if it’s just that you’ve let your mind play tricks on you again then you really need to snap out of it before it really is too late.

Seeing a counsellor doesn’t forgo maintaining our relationship.

Hope

I’m not sure how I should reply to this. I never asked him to reach out, in fact I said please do not call.

I need some help.

Kanga