Learning the ropes 2

[Sunflyer]

This is what I've learned about me, the relationship worked because we were co dependent. I felt adored & validated, which kept me in a stuck position of putting up with coercive control, gaslighting and excessively jealous behaviour. I figured this was a sign of how wanted and loved I was. I also put up with excess drinking, lack of contribution to the house, lazy parenting. He was also dependent on me. I provided him with safety, security & the parenting he didn't get as a child. I think we both started to resent these roles but instead of going for therapy, I ate & he drank & we both avoided the elephant in the room. Until BD day that is!

I think this was an element in my M as well. She made me feel very good, loved, accepted like no other woman I'd met. Particularly in the last few years, however, she seemed to prioritize other things, family time became less, less cooking and having dinners together, etc.

Her desire was to be accepted because she was overweight. And I had no problem with her appearance and thought she was beautiful. So perhaps we leaned on each other for our "fixes" of acceptance.

She had weight loss surgery and eventually lost the weight. Then cosmetic surgery to deal with the effects of the weight loss. And this is the time frame when BD occurred. And a few months later, her AP was revealed.

One of the things I've struggled with is thoughts that once she lost the weight, she no longer felt that she needed me to accept her and could now pursue somebody "better," somebody more in her league so to speak.

I don't know if that is the case. Maybe she's just thrilled that she has proven she can attract someone else, which strikes me as not particularly healthy. She continues to chase happiness in external things, pursued in secret, rather than from within herself.

I feel the self-esteem problem she clearly had did not vanish along with the pounds.

I still care deeply about H & I'm not entirely ruling out reunion at some point in the future but I would need to see proper change not just words. I see no sign of this. He's clocked up £10,000 debt in 9 months, is drinking heavily, over burdening his 16 Yr old daughter & is only focused on his own needs at present. I hope he does change but suspect I won't be still waiting if he does and that's OK. I just hope we stay in a positive relationship and can Co parent our older children together.

I suspect I will care for a while too. We both have long histories with our spouses. It can hurt to look at them and see the path they have taken. But you are right. You couldn't live with him as he is now, even if he wants it. You won't wait for him, nor should you. I certainly won't put my life on hold for W. Too much I've left undone and life doesn't allow much time to do it.

You're an inspiration, MA. And this forum is something indeed. People come here, reveal some of their most private thoughts and experiences, prop each other up. I have never met any of them, but I feel like this is a family, scattered about the globe, bound by idealism that refuses to die in the face of powerful adversity.