Learning the ropes 2

[DnJ]

Good Morning MA

What a fantastic update! You are doing so well.

what I've learned about me, the relationship worked because we were codependent.

Most wise.

I felt adored & validated, which kept me in a stuck position of putting up with coercive control, gaslighting and excessively jealous behaviour. I figured this was a sign of how wanted and loved I was. I also put up with excess drinking, lack of contribution to the house, lazy parenting. He was also dependent on me. I provided him with safety, security & the parenting he didn't get as a child. I think we both started to resent these roles but instead of going for therapy, I ate & he drank & we both avoided the elephant in the room.

I'd like a future relationship but I'd like it to be equal. I'm worthy of that & think I'm an all right catch!

Yes, you’re worthy and an all right catch.

You’ve grown plenty, and H has struggled. I’m right with you with not picking up, continuing, that “old” relationship. It would need to be better. Evolved. H (and my XW) is not there. Yet. And may never be.

I still care deeply about H & I'm not entirely ruling out reunion at some point in the future but I would need to see proper change not just words. I see no sign of this.

H’s path is still covert. His behaviour has altered. No where as outwardly or quickly as you. Of course, you are rational and embraced your path. To something, rather than from something. H still being more the opposite of that tenet.

And yes, look to actions rather than words.

[H] phoned our 16yr old D to say his guilt is terrible & proceeded to tell her how bad he felt at upsetting his AP & her kids and how he's let them down!!

It’s quite a staggering thing to witness, isn’t it? My XW told our four children after OM’s son rolled their vehicle on a joyride during his graduation, that she “almost lost a child!”. Said that directly to her own four flesh and blood children. XW was so distraught.

Reality is lost upon these lost souls.

H really does feel horrible for letting down ex AP and her kids. He is currently unable to (fully) cope with that, which therefore doesn’t allow his feelings for D and you and such to surface. I highlight “fully”, for I do believe H has made some progress, albeit glacially slow.

D is the only person speaking to him & that's tough because he makes her anxious but she's frightened that he has no one without her. I'm there to support her & we've discussed her boundaries for him, which she's trying to stick to.

I’m glad she’s open with you about Dad and his conversations. I know you are guiding her with boundaries. I’d also discuss fear with her. She need not be held hostage by her own fear. And that is really what fear does. So entangling. So ensnaring. So paralyzing.

He pulls at all our heart strings. However he is not showing any signs of behaviour change. He refuses to block ex AP stating he's a good person and she's upset. He still talks about her & cannot maintain boundaries. He is unable to tolerate being alone but sees his only answer as looking for someone to care for him.

I understand and empathize. That tug upon the ol’ heart strings. I do love XW, yet we are not friends. It’s an odd statement, until you find it.

How are doing with forgiveness? Do guide daughter as well in that endeavour.

Forgiveness and acceptance is very freeing. Letting go of fear, worry, and anxiety; letting go of vengeance, retribution, and holding a grudge; is only part. Letting go is only part of it.

Forgiveness leads to embracing/living some pretty wonderful tenets which ripple outward far beyond H.

Have a great day.

D