My Story (2)

[DnJ]

Good Morning Sun

Happy Birthday. (((Bro-Hug)))

My 50th birthday was two months after BD. It was pretty dismal. It’s difficult to feel celebratory when one is hurt and depressed.

Each birthday did get better and better. My 55th was awesome! And this year I will be 56. My son’s birthday is two weeks after mine, and we usually have some combined party. This year, that is getting combined with a relative’s (grandma like) 100th birthday. Gosh, the stuff she’s seen and lived through.

She texts me this morning and wants to "talk" this weekend. My guess is that she is going to fess up. I'd be shocked if she doesn't think I know. Cutting off the phone tracking is basically announcing it. She also says that she will have "plans" for the weekend of 10/28-10/29. Her next round of surgery is 10/31. Pretty easy to figure out what she will be doing that weekend since the surgery will put her out of commission for a while.

Guessing is akin to expecting. Can you see, can you feel the resentment rising within you? Unmet expectations and guesswork. Dial it all to zero. Focus on you and kids, not W and OM.

How did you respond to her text?

So...how to respond. I can speak firmly but calmly and not show anger. If she confesses, I know how I'd like to respond. Not with anger or profanity but with disappointment. Probably no matter what I do, I won't be acting consistently with DB. Mainly I'd like to acquit myself well. I'm doing this for myself and the better man I am becoming.

So why don’t you? Why aren’t you?

Acquit yourself, conduct yourself, do for yourself, and be that better man. Become.

How to respond? Let go. Give W to God.

This is just another episode of her scheduling a “talk”. I’d switch it up.

Something like: W, I’m busy then. Just email me what you are wanting to tell me.

W filed for divorce back in June. Her lawyer sent you a letter. Demanded a response within five days. Which prompted you needing to obtain a retainer with your lawyer. No need to get dragged into another subject-less/unknown talk with her.

Switch it up. Be busy.

You may be correct that she is planning on fessing up. Or she is planning something completely different. Realize, she could have easily broached the topic in her message, or fessed up, or whatever. Of course being vague is a tacit to keep you on edge, and here you are going down the rabbit hole of what ifs and guesswork. She’s wasting your valuable energies and time. Leave her to her vague game, you’ve got better things to do. Deal with what’s in front of you.

And what’s in front of you? You are. Your boys. Your life. Your future.

I do know one thing: regardless of outcome, I will have to forgive her, because otherwise I am holding anger and frustration that I do not need for the rest of my life, and which will only harm me.

Conduct yourself. Don’t play her game. Let go.

Walk your path. Walk in the light.

Regardless if she confesses about OM or not. Regardless of any of her actions, forgiveness is found within you, and is not something she has to earn. In fact, you forgiving W has nothing to do with her. Forgiveness is about you, and for you.

D

[Sunflyer]

Happy Bday Sun. I am so sorry it wasn’t a good one for you. It must be absolutely horrible to overhear all that stuff on your birthday. Just mark this down as a bad one and put it away. Far far away. In time you will have so many more birthdays that will be far better than this one and eventually this one will just be a distant memory.
Every day the sun rises and it’s a chance for a new beginning, a new story. In regard to what to say when W confronts you. That’s tough. I love Kinds advice but geez that’s impossible. Even I couldn’t do that but I certainly would want to

Thanks Pattnee. W seems something of a mess at the moment. Happy, of course, when she is communicating with the other man (stars in her eyes) but otherwise, kind of harried and upset. I believe she is aware that I know what is going on. She has spoken perhaps three sentences to me in the last 36 hours, and I also think that she is annoyed that I won't engage with her nonsense.

She has cooked meals maybe one or two days out of the last week. She just buys food and leaves it in the refrigerator for myself to heat up or prepare. I don't care about whether she cooks for me or not, but she isn't cooking for our son either. And since we're the only two eating multiple days, a lot of food is going to waste lately.

I keep following your story, and the words that resonate most with me are every time you compare your old H to your current H. Boy, did I love the old version of my W. But this version, no thanks. She's just running around torching everything in sight that has to do with her marriage and family.

[Sunflyer]

(Edited) Sun, that (edited).

Happy belated birthday. Can you plan your own birthday get together with friends this weekend? We are in your corner here.

Rock:

My sister invited me to lunch at a really nice restaurant. It was sunny and warm despite being autumn, so we sat outside and had a nice meal.

I am surprised at how many restaurants there are close to me that I've never visited, including some little gems. Will have to check more of them out.

[Rockon]

This 👍

Frame it for you. Shape and plan your weekend.

Don’t expect or assume what the convo will be. You don’t have to try and prepare for what you thinks she will say. Of course you have some understanding, insight and you know her and your patterns. Be who you want to be.

I had a similar situation over this last weekend. W wanted to talk and we eventually did.

[Sunflyer]

Good Morning Sun

Happy Birthday. (((Bro-Hug)))

My 50th birthday was two months after BD. It was pretty dismal. It’s difficult to feel celebratory when one is hurt and depressed.

Each birthday did get better and better. My 55th was awesome! And this year I will be 56. My son’s birthday is two weeks after mine, and we usually have some combined party. This year, that is getting combined with a relative’s (grandma like) 100th birthday. Gosh, the stuff she’s seen and lived through.

Thanks D. Yes, I'm looking forward to better birthdays ahead.

Guessing is akin to expecting. Can you see, can you feel the resentment rising within you? Unmet expectations and guesswork. Dial it all to zero. Focus on you and kids, not W and OM.

How did you respond to her text?

I told her I didn't think I had plans. Doesn't mean that I can't come up with some, of course.

W filed for divorce back in June. Her lawyer sent you a letter. Demanded a response within five days. Which prompted you needing to obtain a retainer with your lawyer. No need to get dragged into another subject-less/unknown talk with her.

I have submitted the financial data that I gathered to my L. Don't know what the status is as far as her doing the same. So it seems the burden is on her L to get me a proposal. Not much more to do than that.

Deal with what’s in front of you.

And what’s in front of you? You are. Your boys. Your life. Your future.

I have felt much better about myself recently. Not worried about W at all. Then, when OM was confirmed, the emotional rollercoaster took a steep plunge. The first one in a few months. It's been one of the roughest weeks of my life. I feel like the proverbial leaf in a hurricane.

Last night, I did a bit of future planning. Where I want to see my life once I am past all this, what I want to do, what kind of relationship I might want to have (if there is another one). Thinking about these things absolutely helped.

I feel like I am at a crossroads of sorts. DB has two benefits: saving your marriage or saving yourself (or both). I feel like I may need to abandon ship on the first possibility and concentrate on the second. The infidelity isn't even the biggest obstacle, if it's possible to step back and look at it abstractly. The larger issue is her family and the toxicity that exists there. Even if we were to get back together, the family unit we had cannot exist the way it did before.

I am asking myself, do I really want this? Am I not worth more than this?

[Boat14]

I feel like I am at a crossroads of sorts. DB has two benefits: saving your marriage or saving yourself (or both).

DB has one benefit. Safe yourself. Saving yourself may also save your marriage though highly unlikely. If your STBXW and you have a chance it will most likely be way down the road.

I feel like I may need to abandon ship on the first possibility and concentrate on the second.

1,000%

The infidelity isn't even the biggest obstacle, if it's possible to step back and look at it abstractly.

It's one of many obstacles.

The larger issue is her family and the toxicity that exists there. Even if we were to get back together, the family unit we had cannot exist the way it did before.

Of course not, it wasn't working for her and if you dig down deep it probably wasn't working for you either.

I am asking myself, do I really want this? Am I not worth more than this?

You are worth way more you just have been beaten down and haven't realized it yet. You will some day, that I can promise you.

[MrP]

Happy Belated Birthday, Sun. I agree with Boat: the main benefit of DB is for you. Either outcome, R or D, involves a better you than who you were before. You are correct that, if you somehow R, the boundaries I hope you have for yourself mean you will not accept the family unit the way it previously existed. You'd be lowering your standards. I've been asking myself a version of your question: why if at all would I want to R - how will that benefit/serve me? Sometimes it is hard to shake off our vows (good times and bad, sickness and health....you know the drill) because we take them seriously. I think I read that in one of your earlier posts related to taking care of your wife so hopefully it resonates a bit. If we really want what's best for them, and they're choosing to D, then it is a different way we are fulfilling those vows to the point that they've let us IMHO.

[Boat14]

If we really want what's best for them, and they're choosing to D, then it is a different way we are fulfilling those vows to the point that they've let us IMHO.

When you truly get to this point you will be free. Until then there will be suffering.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Sun

I have felt much better about myself recently. Not worried about W at all. Then, when OM was confirmed, the emotional rollercoaster took a steep plunge. The first one in a few months. It's been one of the roughest weeks of my life. I feel like the proverbial leaf in a hurricane.

Yes, there are a few of these moments along the path. Times of hidden emotions and upheaval. Well, hidden isn’t quite accurate I suppose, we all have an inclination of how we would feel regarding such news. It’s just all the other emotions that rise as well. Grief, loss, betrayal, and so on. Very deep and very rich or broad.

These moments are staggering. It’s like a gut punch, and one does a step back to regain their balance. Our emotions welling up and touching upon so many facets of our life.

For me there were a few other times. The signing of the separation agreement; seeing my and XW’s signatures and the judge’s on the legalized finalized divorce degree; and of course bomb drop (which was by far the worst). We have no reference or historical experience with any of these moments, and as such it’s staggering.

Oddly, counterintuitively, this is a precious moment of your life. For within that hurricane is opportunity. Opportunity to be better, not bitter. To become.

There are other opportunities, these moments, in our lives as well. The birth of a child for example. Another gut punch. A wonderful one for sure, yet still staggering. All the emotions, full and rich, sweeping across, redefining your entire existence. We stand and become.

Within the present maelstrom is a golden opportunity. A moment. A test. And there can be no testament without test.

D

[Sunflyer]

I have concern for S14 with wife's A going on.

She has surgery coming up next week and is apparently trying to get as much time with her AP as possible. She has worked remotely and/or taken days off this week. From what I can see she hasn't done much work at all. She hasn't been in her office either, as far as I know. She just disappears whenever she wants, saying "I'm going out" or nothing at all.

On two occasions, she has turned our outside security camera off. I can tell because this shows in the app when I open it. Once was late at night, to presumably disguise when she came home. (I woke up in the middle of the night and was able to figure out when she came in based on the last time stamp from the camera, which was mysteriously on again).

A three hour gap also showed up in the records while I was at work. I suspect she is bringing him to the house while I am out.

I know S14 notices her lack of presence. He has asked me where she is and I simply reply that I don't know. We have to handle meals for ourselves, as she rarely prepares anything for either of us anymore. The last time she cooked something was about a week ago. Before that I don't remember.

Is there anything I can do to handle this better when he asks? Her animosity toward me is one thing, and I don't care whether she cooks for me or not, but to me this shows tremendous disrespect for S14.