Thanks for the encouragement Card. We always need it. While we have good days there is still the occasional sad ones. Although, like you, I can rein it in pretty good now and move my thoughts away. This week I was reflecting and thought I actually feel happy most days. Happy within myself and happy with making the most out of each and every day. I look at H ( who blew up his whole world because he wasn’t happy) and there is no way that man is happy. You hit the nail on the head him being a 21 year old selfish teen. Imagine a grown man almost 50, who was once loved by all, the kindest most generous person, who adored his family and enjoyed life like snowboarding and skateboarding and waterskiing and beach volleyball. Imagine that person is now living in sweats, in a dingy gloomy loft, consumed by work and stress of work, working 7 days a week, only getting out to do errands for the kids, or go to the gym occationally( he used to love the gym and being fit and having muscles and a 6 pack and he’s so far from it these days and it’s killing his self esteem but he won’t admit it). And the times he’s not working he’s gaming or drinking or both. He has literally become a polar opposite lost all friends, completely shuts down and can barely speak to anyone he sees who is my family or friends and can’t keep eye contact . The shame and guilt must be destroying him. But he doesn’t even know it because he won’t give it a chance to surface as he drowns it in alcohol.

It really is so so sad. As I sat there and thought “ hey I’m happy I geniunely have days I think I am happy” he is not. He destroyed his whole world because he was unhappy and he is still unhappy and has no life anymore.
Unfortunately I think alot of his MLC issues lie with his his upbringing and childhood. I couldn’t see it before until I read more and more. He was the 3rd child( the accident some 5 and 7 years after his siblings). His dad travelled a lot overseas when he was growing up( enter daddy issues and running over seas). His parents have a strange relationship “front”. Very prim and proper, you always speak to eachother like you’re in school. H never saw them fight. EVER. They went behind closed doors and did it supposedly or so he thinks( enter bottling up your feelings and not expressing yourself to your spouse). H older sister is 7 years older so 56. Has been through multiple divorces and changes men like underpants. Moved away from her kids who are mid 20s( and one is an alcoholic now ) . Sister made some money along the way from all her divorces and now all she talks about is how “ rich” she is and all her money. ( enter H current issues from being the most generous man to becoming someone so money and work obsessed-enter current role model)
It was a battle I had no chance of winning. I wanted to fix him for so long help him but I had no chance and it took me a while to see that. He is so far low in his hole and all he wants to do is throw daggers and blame me and drag me with him, but I am so glad I stopped letting him do that. He can fix his own mess. It’s really sad the way they blame us, and we start to question ourselves and beat ourselves up. Alcoholics are known to do that bad. And boy did he throw blame out like there was no tomorrow. I kept blaming myself and blaming myself.
And now I am so glad I don’t. Because while I may have had things I did wrong and I could have done better I have worked my butt off to clean up my side of the street, through my growth and change. He has done ZERO. And he knows it and he hates it.

I do worry for him and his health, especially in the USA. He will have nobody. I worry for the irreparable damage he is abojt to do to his relationship with his kids that he cannot see because he is in La La land and thinks kids will understand why “dad needs to work away from you”. D14 is a smart kid she has already made comments about “dad works way too much and has no life he acts like he’s the owner of the company why doesn’t he just get a job that makes him happy”
She will see right through his BS story of why he’s going. But again that’s his damage to cause.
I too still love H, but not this H. The H of pre MLC( which goes back even before bd). The H that was happier in life and loved life. Not this miserable man he has transformed into for the last 18
Months. I wouldn’t have a happy life living with this version of him. I know that so well right now

Life is good. I am surrounded by so many different friendship circles and have the best and most supportive family ( extended too because we are European and to us family is life and nothing else matters.) Started a lunch running club with friends at work, really loving running again and did a half Marathon 2 years ago. Remember that feeling and think I’m going to do it again. And maybe try for even a full if I don’t drown as a single mum. Getting my tattoo in two weeks too. Still finalising the design but likely going on my wrist so even in bad days I can look down and remind myself. It’s based on “stronger than” to remind me I am stronger than I think I am.
And all I can say is BD and being a LBS and MLC it really has felt like climbing Mt Everest. Nobody who has never been in our shoes can understand what it feels like

M:41 H:48
T:20. M:16.5
BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023