Not Lost Anymore!Being the best version of ME!

[Sunflyer]

It’s nice not being the punching bag.
He has apologised to me twice in the space of two weeks now about his treatment of me over the last two years and gotten himself really teary as he did, then immediately shut down and the wall came out. Also told me how much he appreciates everything I do.

Are you getting as tired of hearing that as I am? Over and over they say "I appreciate that" while, at the same time, tearing everything you loved to shreds.

[Kind18]

Not a whole lot going on in my situation at the moment.

Time is of the essence! You’re wasting a good opportunity to move away from supporting Collingwood and starting a wonderful new life 🤣

The apologies - ignore it, it has no meaning other than the turbulence in his own mind about treating good people in his life badly. You really can’t try to understand what they say, especially don’t try to make sense of it.

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying around here - believe none of what they say and only half of what they do.

Him: “I’m going to tell the kids I’m moving OS” - You: “Yeah, sure, whatever 🙄”
Him: “I appreciate everything you do.” - You: “Hahaha, okay mate 😂”

I’ve started a run club with some of the work crew and we run at lunch now for half an hour two days a week. It’s so much fun to inspire others and keep eachother motivated. I always catch up with friends on weekends and even if they are last minute. I’ve subtly changed my hairstyle( which H actually noticed and complimented) and honestly just moving forward as best as I can.

That’s how you DB! Go girl 💪

Him: “Your new hair looks nice.” - You: “I know, everyone at work loves it! I’m keeping it like this for sure!”

You’re an inspiration to the forum Pattnee.

[Pattnee5]

Sunflyer- I don’t ever care much to hear for his “appreciation” etc when he has literally pulled the rug out from everyone of us and it’s about to get a whole lot worse once he leaves In terms of juggling life, while he gets to live a new carefree life in a new country and city, spending weekends however the wants, morning sleep ins, not a single errand or responsibility. Honestly when he says stuff like that to me now I barely listen. It’s almost like it bounces off because deep down I thin “asshat running away and leaving every single responsibility behind yet throwing Thankyou around “

Kind- thanks for the words. Safe to say I shall stick to Collingwood especially since getting D14 on board. I have gotten to the point where I don’t even acknowledge it anymore if he starts with his possibility of telling him. It’s been 6 weeks of excuses already, I think it would be a miracle the day he actually does something.
Yep every single time anything comes out of his mouth I think “ believe nothing “ . He def is in turmoil. He gets teary then shuts down and walks out, he keeps saying how he hopes the kids will be ok. He keeps trying to tell me about his day, his work, anything. I know he’s avoiding calls with his family. It’s funny because I think I am just getting so much stronger and happier, and he blew up his whole world for his own “happiness” because he “ wasn’t happy for a while” yet now he is so much worse. I don’t even care much for his messages etc these days. He’s always telling me to enjoy my night out or day whatever I have planned with friends. I don’t even know why he cares anyway. Months ago he was ghosting me on all accounts and now he is wanting to act like best friends as if we were happily married. The amount of times I roll my eyes these days haha. The drinking is pretty bad these days but at least it’s not around me. He keeps telling me he wants to stop and will stop ( mind you I don’t even bring it up he actually comes to me to tell me), and then lasts about a day or two. I don’t even say anything anymore, not about him wanting to stop or if he drinks. I don’t know if he’s seeking validation or encouragement or just someone to help him but I keep reminding myself he fired me and he needs to dig himself out of this mess. I have a feeling it’s going to get a whole lot worse

Thanks for the encouragement I am still working on stuff but I think I’m through the worst of it. The lunch running club 3 days a week is great, we are all inspiring eachother ( and I have been out as “coach”) seeing as I am the only runner of the group. I plan some sort of social thing every weekend now. No more sulking watching tv or crying. It’s amazing what getting out actually does to your mood.

[Card29]

Pattnee I was happy to log on an see your updates. First, I fist pumped when I saw your new thread title. I'm sure you still have some healing to do, but it sounds to me like you're ready for liftoff.

H sounds like a 21 year old boy who has dropped out of school and just living in the basement of the frat house, playing video games and drinking. Doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. Abandoning his family for a "career opportunity" in the US is sad, and I really feel for D14. She's lucky she at least has a mom at home who has focused on healing and growing this year, because she's going to need you. But she sounds smart for already picking up on H's BS, especially related to the drinking.

But the bright side to H moving may be an acceleration of your detachment and growth, and who knows, maybe it helps him finally hit rock bottom.

I'm glad your bday was fun, I knew it would be. Anyway, nice to hear from you and I hope your evening is nice. I'm very jealous you all are in spring time and our days are getting darker, grey and colder. I follow an Australian lawn guy on YouTube just to get a little taste of spring/summer during our dark days.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks for the encouragement Card. We always need it. While we have good days there is still the occasional sad ones. Although, like you, I can rein it in pretty good now and move my thoughts away. This week I was reflecting and thought I actually feel happy most days. Happy within myself and happy with making the most out of each and every day. I look at H ( who blew up his whole world because he wasn’t happy) and there is no way that man is happy. You hit the nail on the head him being a 21 year old selfish teen. Imagine a grown man almost 50, who was once loved by all, the kindest most generous person, who adored his family and enjoyed life like snowboarding and skateboarding and waterskiing and beach volleyball. Imagine that person is now living in sweats, in a dingy gloomy loft, consumed by work and stress of work, working 7 days a week, only getting out to do errands for the kids, or go to the gym occationally( he used to love the gym and being fit and having muscles and a 6 pack and he’s so far from it these days and it’s killing his self esteem but he won’t admit it). And the times he’s not working he’s gaming or drinking or both. He has literally become a polar opposite lost all friends, completely shuts down and can barely speak to anyone he sees who is my family or friends and can’t keep eye contact . The shame and guilt must be destroying him. But he doesn’t even know it because he won’t give it a chance to surface as he drowns it in alcohol.

It really is so so sad. As I sat there and thought “ hey I’m happy I geniunely have days I think I am happy” he is not. He destroyed his whole world because he was unhappy and he is still unhappy and has no life anymore.
Unfortunately I think alot of his MLC issues lie with his his upbringing and childhood. I couldn’t see it before until I read more and more. He was the 3rd child( the accident some 5 and 7 years after his siblings). His dad travelled a lot overseas when he was growing up( enter daddy issues and running over seas). His parents have a strange relationship “front”. Very prim and proper, you always speak to eachother like you’re in school. H never saw them fight. EVER. They went behind closed doors and did it supposedly or so he thinks( enter bottling up your feelings and not expressing yourself to your spouse). H older sister is 7 years older so 56. Has been through multiple divorces and changes men like underpants. Moved away from her kids who are mid 20s( and one is an alcoholic now ) . Sister made some money along the way from all her divorces and now all she talks about is how “ rich” she is and all her money. ( enter H current issues from being the most generous man to becoming someone so money and work obsessed-enter current role model)
It was a battle I had no chance of winning. I wanted to fix him for so long help him but I had no chance and it took me a while to see that. He is so far low in his hole and all he wants to do is throw daggers and blame me and drag me with him, but I am so glad I stopped letting him do that. He can fix his own mess. It’s really sad the way they blame us, and we start to question ourselves and beat ourselves up. Alcoholics are known to do that bad. And boy did he throw blame out like there was no tomorrow. I kept blaming myself and blaming myself.
And now I am so glad I don’t. Because while I may have had things I did wrong and I could have done better I have worked my butt off to clean up my side of the street, through my growth and change. He has done ZERO. And he knows it and he hates it.

I do worry for him and his health, especially in the USA. He will have nobody. I worry for the irreparable damage he is abojt to do to his relationship with his kids that he cannot see because he is in La La land and thinks kids will understand why “dad needs to work away from you”. D14 is a smart kid she has already made comments about “dad works way too much and has no life he acts like he’s the owner of the company why doesn’t he just get a job that makes him happy”
She will see right through his BS story of why he’s going. But again that’s his damage to cause.
I too still love H, but not this H. The H of pre MLC( which goes back even before bd). The H that was happier in life and loved life. Not this miserable man he has transformed into for the last 18
Months. I wouldn’t have a happy life living with this version of him. I know that so well right now

Life is good. I am surrounded by so many different friendship circles and have the best and most supportive family ( extended too because we are European and to us family is life and nothing else matters.) Started a lunch running club with friends at work, really loving running again and did a half Marathon 2 years ago. Remember that feeling and think I’m going to do it again. And maybe try for even a full if I don’t drown as a single mum. Getting my tattoo in two weeks too. Still finalising the design but likely going on my wrist so even in bad days I can look down and remind myself. It’s based on “stronger than” to remind me I am stronger than I think I am.
And all I can say is BD and being a LBS and MLC it really has felt like climbing Mt Everest. Nobody who has never been in our shoes can understand what it feels like

[Card29]

It's crazy to think, but your 48 yr old H and my 30 yr old W are so similar. Falling into traps set in their childhood (my W due to her mom. learned her personality and "coping" mechanisms which are self destructive with a facade of being selfless and helping others). Us having zero power to stop or fix it.

I like tattoos but have never been slightly interested in getting one myself. But last night I had a dream I had a cool colorful tattoo on my forearm and am a little sad it was only a dream haha

[MrP]

I agree about traps set in childhood. A great deal of work around attachment theory focuses on things that happen to a person in childhood, especially related to parents. Check out books, podcasts, etc. by Stan Tatkin for more details about some evidence-based impact childhood has. I've found it incredibly informative to change my approach with W, other family, at work, etc., too. Keep climbing Pattnee. We've got your back!

[Pattnee5]

I must say I am so happy the way my parents bought me up and the amazing relationship they have had. I have seen them fight and make up, get angry, blow off steam but they always always had each others backs since they were 14.they have been through financial strain, cancer the absolute works ( nothing like what H or his family faced) and they know to dig deep together and pull through. I was always so open about feeling if I was upset angry etc and H just didn’t know how to deal or reciprocate as he hasn’t been giving those tools as a child. It’s either run or bottle stuff up. I never saw the bigger picture until now.

H had a bit of a moment this evening. Had been drinking so of course. I had two glasses of wine as we played a game with our S 12 but he was quite a few ahead of me.
When S wasn’t around he started to tell me about his new overseas job and how he’s been told his new salary and “ it’s so much more and will pay for a lot of things”
I just reciprocated with “that’s nice i am glad that makes you happy” h gave me a strange look.
Later he starts asking when he should tell the kids about his move and I just responded “ that’s up to you that’s your decision” by now a few more drinks happened so he was a bit angry.
He said something along the lines of “ don’t stop me doing this” in which case I said “ I am not stopping him whatsoever this is his life his decision and if I stop you, you will hold it over me”
He said something about how he thinks D14 will be exited for him and want to go with him ( he’s delusional, ) and thinks S 12 will be upset. Again I didn’t say much to this I think this is when he baited me and I felt a bit [censored] I took it because I knew he was loaded up on his booze by now. He did throw in “ you never know if I hate it I’ll just pack up and come home” ( what home you silly alien you blew it up) He said something about bow I should be happy for him and how I had always said to him I would always support his dreams. This is where I may have said too much I responded with “ they were our dreams to do something like this together once the kids grew up and didn’t rely on us as much.”
Typical H fashion, packed his stuff, moody leaves.
What a silly silly man.
Anyway. Handled it good. Feel nothing really. Had a great night playing games and even enjoyed H company earlier on when he wasn’t drinking and I was just trying to treat him like a friend. But of course that doesn’t last. I feel fine though.
Will get up tomorrow and have another long run. Going to enjoy the sun, walk the dog and immerse myself in the things in life that make me smile. Right now I realise H no longer makes me smile. He may think his move is all shiny and exciting. Maybe it is? Maybe moving away and being in a new country is exciting for him and his soul.
Who knows
Safe to say he’s still the alien husband

[Sunflyer]

Good Lord, this man gets more ridiculous by the hour.

Full of contradictions, probably can't figure out which way to drive on a one-way street. A man without direction or values.

Good for you for refusing to engage him.

[Card29]

I know you don't want him to go, but I'm interested to see how you are once he's off on his little "adventure" and not drinking and blowing up on you on a regular basis. You seem to handle it well, anyway, but I think you're going to grow even more once you don't have to deal with this every other day. And without knowing your H personally, I'm not convinced that a modest salary boost is going to solve his problems.