Not even sure where to start

[dleague]

Valeska19,

thank you for the insight here. Yea I feel myself slightly imploding here looking for answers.

It's a normal reaction to look for answers. Whether that's snooping, talking about R, or reading a bunch of books about the other person's actions or trauma... We would like to believe it will bring us comfort if we just know why our life imploded. Unfortunately it does not. It will take time and often mistakes to for you to also come to this conclusion. It's okay... this is a process... and all us vets made mistakes along the way.

I feel myself imploding here looking for answers. Just still shocked over the whole thing. Losing my W, our house, rebuilding, splitting our dogs up, splitting our kids up and everything in this beautiful life we built together. Im not going snooping. I am just following my heart. My head has gotten me into this somewhat being more logical than emotional.

1. In What ways did I not support my W?

From you own admission - that was by minimizing her feelings and dangling your relationship status when you are upset. Both are actions of a person who struggles at regulating his emotions. This is a behavior you can change w/o communicating to your wife that you plan on doing so. It can also be done whilst taking care of yourself and setting the appropriate boundaries.

Yea I really messed up here and dropped the ball. I have told her that there are no amount of apologies that can take back the pain from the words that I have caused and this is my burden to bear for doing so. I also realize it falls on her for not communicating to me that this was still hurting her all these years later. I was unaware because everything was fine on the outside and normal as I thought. Making plans together and loving each other as we have gone along over the years. I messed up here and broke her heart. I will own that and be more careful of the things I say going forward. I need to be more in tune with my own emotions and reactions to others.

2. In what ways did my wife not support me?

Thinking of of these things will help you create boundaries. It will help you recognize if you hold anger and resentment. It will help determine what your needs are and how to get those needs met in a relationship (whether its a new one or a recon)

I Dont feel like im a person who hold anger and resentment. Im still trying to learn myself. I get irritated at things in life and have been down for a few years battling things internally and externally. I will have to look more into creating boundaries. NOt sure what that would look like here for me. My needs may be more than I realize in a relationship. Biggest thing for me is loyalty and honesty and communication. I cant help things if I dont know. My understanding is that men are more logical thinkers and women are more emotional. I can understand that and in no way mean that as a sexist statement. Just something that I seem to understand more in my own R. I;ve always been a provider and focused on her well being with external things I can control, but never focused on her internal needs and my own as well.

3. In what ways did I not support myself?

This digs into a little bit of questions 1 and 2.. because living outside of our integrity is very harmful to us. If we aren't treating others or ourselves in a way that doesn't align with our values... we are betraying ourselves.

It also dips into areas of selfcare and GAL.

I guess here I would need to understand myself more. My own integrities and how those are applied to my own R and myself. I need to get more in tune with myself. I feel like the last few years have brought me down with things and I've lost site of myself and my own happiness and direction. Just have to figure out to bring that back and what that looks like. I feel like my world revolved around her and protecting her in a sense from everything I could not realizing I wasnt protecting her from me internally.

Also just to provide a different perspective than others... it's a REALLY big deal if your W was sick and an emotional response from you was to leave the marriage or similar childish responses. I've had that happen and it was very traumatic for me. Shattering something that has been very difficult to piece back together. To say your wife has trauma and it's her responsibility to deal with it is true... but if that is your response MORE than empathy in regards to this specific topic... you are missing the mark. See question #1

How you treat your wife and yourself from this day forward is your decision. You have been given a gift of knowledge that things in your life and marriage was not working. Use this gift wisely.

Agreed with you here Val. I totally dropped the ball and crushed her world. SHe said that was the last thing she thought she would ever hear from me is that I didnt know if I wanted to be with her due to her sickness. I messed up. I thought we moved past it. I was wrong though and not in tune with us enough to be aware of that. Only if we had time rewind but more often than not its too late when its to that point and takes something as drastic as this to happen for the person (myself) to realize it. From what I understand though if the couple does try to work it out after something this dramatic happens then there is a good possibility of recon. I hope so. but thats just it... hope. I have been nothing short of respectful and loving to her since this has all gone down. Im just trying to not be too needy and give her space but let her know I'm here for her and if she ever wants to talk about anything. Its been hard. Ups and downs. Im trying to focus on things one day at a time though. Going to IC now (way long overdue for that)!! It has helped. But it doesnt stop the heartache of seeing my wife pack her stuff and knowing she is leaving. Down to a weeks or a month probably at most that she will be living here soon. So trying to use that time to work on myself and be there for her if she needs anything without being a puppy dog following her around. I miss her friendship and companionship though. I just need to get out and GAL more for sure. She is doing more of it that I've noticed. I think that helps her. So I need to be on that same level and do some for myself. At this point thats all I can do. Work on myself and hopefully it wont be too late. If it is then I will be better mentally and emotionally going forward.