Dleague, It's a normal reaction to look for answers. Whether that's snooping, talking about R, or reading a bunch of books about the other person's actions or trauma... We would like to believe it will bring us comfort if we just know why our life imploded. Unfortunately it does not. It will take time and often mistakes to for you to also come to this conclusion. It's okay... this is a process... and all us vets made mistakes along the way.
You both contributed to the demise of your marriage. IMHO there are 3 really big questions to ask yourself that not only helps yourself but can also give you the best chance of mending a broken marriage.
1. In What ways did I not support my W?
From you own admission - that was by minimizing her feelings and dangling your relationship status when you are upset. Both are actions of a person who struggles at regulating his emotions. This is a behavior you can change w/o communicating to your wife that you plan on doing so. It can also be done whilst taking care of yourself and setting the appropriate boundaries.
2. In what ways did my wife not support me?
Thinking of of these things will help you create boundaries. It will help you recognize if you hold anger and resentment. It will help determine what your needs are and how to get those needs met in a relationship (whether its a new one or a recon)
3. In what ways did I not support myself?
This digs into a little bit of questions 1 and 2.. because living outside of our integrity is very harmful to us. If we aren't treating others or ourselves in a way that doesn't align with our values... we are betraying ourselves.
It also dips into areas of selfcare and GAL.
Also just to provide a different perspective than others... it's a REALLY big deal if your W was sick and an emotional response from you was to leave the marriage or similar childish responses. I've had that happen and it was very traumatic for me. Shattering something that has been very difficult to piece back together. To say your wife has trauma and it's her responsibility to deal with it is true... but if that is your response MORE than empathy in regards to this specific topic... you are missing the mark. See question #1
How you treat your wife and yourself from this day forward is your decision. You have been given a gift of knowledge that things in your life and marriage was not working. Use this gift wisely.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
