Just popped on for a quick update. This forum has helped me so much & I want to be able to give something back where I can. I know how I was at the beginning clinging onto any sign of hope that mlc H would regain who he was and return to us.
Quick summary for any newbies out there. H started an affair Dec 2022, denied it repeatedly till I had evidence in Feb 23. Things hadn't been perfect in the marriage but it still came as a complete shock after 27 yrs together. I said he could stay & we would work at the marriage but I wasn't prepared to live with him if he was still seeing AP. Risky move on my part & he chose to leave. He wanted to be with her. He didn't move in with her & got an enquire room with shared kitchen & lounge. First 3 months were really tough. I desperately wanted him back. I did follow the guidance here from day 1 & I'm thankful for that. I think it helped enormously even though it felt very counterintuitive at times. I had a few slip ups and slept with him a few times. The good people here challenged me on it & I learned that it wasn't helpful. Since April, he has broken up around 8 different times with his AP. He always says its because he loves me but still went back to her. They seem to be over fully now. It's been 7.5 weeks since they broke up & he has been begging to come home consistently. This would have been everything I wanted at the beginning & I would have grasped it with both arms. Things have changed though. Through the support here, I have practised GAL like my life depended on it. I had some IC but I'm a therapist myself and couldn't take to it. I have read and read lots on MLC, DB, attachment styles, communication styles... I have also reflected lots.
This is what I've learned about me, the relationship worked because we were co dependent. I felt adored & validated, which kept me in a stuck position of putting up with coercive control, gaslighting and excessively jealous behaviour. I figured this was a sign of how wanted and loved I was. I also put up with excess drinking, lack of contribution to the house, lazy parenting. He was also dependent on me. I provided him with safety, security & the parenting he didn't get as a child. I think we both started to resent these roles but instead of going for therapy, I ate & he drank & we both avoided the elephant in the room. Until BD day that is!
Fast forward to now... Its hard!! I mean really hard & it continues to be really hard. H is desperate to come back to the safety of the home. I can see he's still crazy though. An example from yesterday is that he phoned our 16yr old D to say his guilt is terrible & proceeded to tell her how bad he felt at upsetting his AP & her kids and how he's let them down!! D is the only person speaking to him & that's tough because he makes her anxious but she's frightened that he has no one without her. I'm there to support her & we've discussed her boundaries for him, which she's trying to stick to. He pulls at all our heart strings. However he is not showing any signs of behaviour change. He refuses to block ex AP stating he's a good person and she's upset. He still talks about her & cannot maintain boundaries. He is unable to tolerate being alone but sees his only answer as looking for someone to care for him. I do not want that life anymore.
My lessons from GAL - I'm OK on my own (well, with the kids). I'd like a future relationship but I'd like it to be equal. I'm worthy of that & think I'm an all right catch! I can put myself out there and people are accepting of me. Even better, I've actually had compliments and a few people come on to me! I've got loads of friends who genuinely care about me. I'm worthy of the right kind of love & I don't need to settle for anything less.
I still care deeply about H & I'm not entirely ruling out reunion at some point in the future but I would need to see proper change not just words. I see no sign of this. He's clocked up £10,000 debt in 9 months, is drinking heavily, over burdening his 16 Yr old daughter & is only focused on his own needs at present. I hope he does change but suspect I won't be still waiting if he does and that's OK. I just hope we stay in a positive relationship and can Co parent our older children together.
To go back to my first paragraph, this forum guided me, supported me, held my hand, challenged me all the way through DnJ & Kind18 felt like my team and the positive feedback from Pattnee as a later addition really helped. Stick with it any newbies out there, even if it feels like the wrong thing to do. The folks on this forum know their stuff! Anyway, enough ranting, I'm off to my panto rehearsals only 8 weeks till the Christmas show!
