Welcome to the boards. I’m sorry you found yourself in this situation. I’ll paste a copy of Cadet’s welcome thread for your reference. There are many links to a trove of useful information.
Have you read Divorce Remedy? I’m guessing that you have discovered it by now, being over a year post BD. With H being at home, do keep the book and this site close to your chest. Ensure you erase the browser history on the family computer. H will likely incorrectly see this guidance as manipulation, which will not help.
By the way, how old is H and yourself? You mentioned two kids. Boy and girl? Ages? We are anonymous on the board and you do not have to disclose anything you wish not to. However, details do allow for folk to more tailor their suggestions.
I see BD was last August. H was embroiled in an affair at the time and move in with his Mom. When did he leave? When did OW move in?
What happened with your filing for divorce? Is it pending or did you withdraw it?
These folks can spend quite a bit. H accumulating $10K in debt in just two months. Do you know the extent over the 12 months? Are your finances separated or still joint?
Originally Posted by jessieht
all the reasons our marriage wont work out. such as but not limited to I like a different breed of horses than he likes, I ran over and extension cord that was in the carport, i put iodine on a small cut to disinfect it on my son instead of peroxide. you know all valid reasons.
Lol. They do have some wild reasoning. My XW “left” because the furnace blew cold air.
H broke up with OW. Perhaps at your behest. Realize breaking up is hard to do. An affair is like a drug, and withdrawal - not the MLC withdrawal stage, but addiction withdrawal - is super hard. So much pain and anguish as one’s mind screams for what is now absent. You likely experienced similar back when H left. Hopeful, H will stick to this path and not rekindle with OW and just take it deeper underground.
Originally Posted by jessieht
then 2 weeks ago he came for a weekend night stay and never left. sneaking in a box at a time.
I would have liked to see a time when H lived by himself, sans OW. A time when you and he could speak and date. A time when he can demonstrate and you could assess his willingness and commitment. For example: H, I am willing to explore us, to date, and maybe even live together again. If we are still compatible, I could see us living together in 12 months from now. Realize, you cannot see or have anything to do with OW, ever! If you do, that 12 month clock resets. You start again.
Of course, H is sneaking in one box at a time. And you are allowing him to. This can work as well. Or you could ask/tell him to live solo and perhaps you use six months instead of twelve.
At any rate, you’ll have the lion’s share of the work here. Do have to be pressure-free. Allowing H to find his path. After a year, he has so much guilt and shame to process, plus all the demons that propelled him out the door and to an affair in the first place.
Remember, you didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
H has lots of work to do.
Originally Posted by jessieht
but he has done a few baiting and instigating that i know he is seeing if he can get me to blow up. I have read they will do this to test if you still want them or not.
Yes, he will test you.
You have to have rock solid boundaries. Know what your boundaries are. Do not accept disrespectful behaviours. H needs to know that you are firm in them. For what good are belief and values if not the bedrock of one’s life. H is testing for that. Like a teenager testing their parents. They need to know you will hold them accountable while still loving them.
Originally Posted by jessieht
what are my next moves to build a connection and not stay in the roommate stage? I know this is all new so it will take a while but I want to make the right moves to not mess up. he does talk about the future with things at the house and what not but as far as being engaged in the now he isnt much there. I am seeing him do some things that are even better that he didn't do before but not much.
It’s ok to be in the roommate stage for a while. H just left OW. He needs to get through that first.
Originally Posted by jessieht
i think he is in-between the depression and withdrawal stage, but when does the actual reconnection start?
Like stages of grief, one can be in multiple stages. H is likely tasting the depression stage, and is still leaving the replay stage. It is quite nebulous these stage transitions.
Reconnection has already started it sounds like. It will be in the reverse order of leaving. In the order of least hurt to most hurt. Reconnection starting with pets, friends, kids, and then spouse.
Originally Posted by jessieht
what can i do to make sure i do that correctly?
Dig for patience. DB. Focus on you. Live and love your life. Let H run to catch up to you.
Originally Posted by jessieht
he is still mentally messed up. no memory and confused about all kinds of daily things.
Depression and confusion are hallmarks of a crisis. They do have the memory of a gnat for quite a while. Be prepared, H will exhibit such confusion for a good while longer methinks. As I said, lots of inner work to do. All the trauma(s) he experienced as a wee lad.
A MLCer’s journey has nothing to do with the LBS. Long ago childhood trauma(s) were buried. Those pains and torments lay hidden, unreconciled, and unknown. At midlife those demons no longer will remain silence. And the person in crisis does not know what or why it is happening.
Their journey is a long one, and their path a twisted one. H may relapse back into replay. Or he may not. Be pressure-free, employ boundaries, and dig for patience. H did return home. See where he takes this.
I look forward to conversing with you. Hope you are having a great day.
DnJ
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
