Not even sure where to start

[dleague]

DL you really should print off Sandis rules and start implementing them immediately to prevent yourself from digging a deeper hole you can never climb out of in the future. Be prepared for 2x4s that will hurt now but will help you in the long run.

Yea I agreed here 100%. Its been hard to stick to them for sure. ups and down and the pain is still new. Dont fully understand. And Im a detailed person so trying to make sense of it when I can even when I shouldnt be trying to at times. Normally Im good unless she is here and we are going through packing up the house to get it ready to sell.

When this is over trust me you will not want to be friends with her.

Quite possibly true. Considering where my life will even be. I plan to stick around this area for the short term due to my daughter trying to get some experience before she moves away. Honestly had considered moving away myself. FUlly remote job coming up now in 2 weeks. Making better money and will be debt free once all the dust settles. Thinking of somewhere nice in the Caribbean! haha. Just kind of hit the reset button. Was always our plan to travel in 2025. but I may be traveling solo at this point. Im sure it will take some time to get on with things and life and I plan on working on myself. We will still see each other some because we are splitting the dogs and we plan on letting them still be around each other because they are all they have known to each other. Plus if we are in the same area for the next year chances are we will probably run into each other. We have some of the same friends as well. Will be interesting.

Yes this is a very common theme. Being a man you probably do have some narcasisstic traits but that doesn't make you a narcissist.

Yea it was tough reading some of that but after digging deeper I realize I may not have the full on NPD or any deep levels. I feel like more surface type of level than anything.

You really need to try hard not to cry in front of her. Try to let that out when you are alone.

this was tough because this was probably the most vulnerable I have been in front of her like that. fully exposed. I didnt want to be but the emotions got the best of me at that time. Def in a sense helped me get over things slowly. Havent cried that much since then and have actually felt better since then. Def wont happen again!

She doesn't mean it. She is just saying it to get her way and you to agree with everything she wants and to do it when she wants.

yea I feel that way for sure at times. Like she is just saying things to keep me moving forward on things so she can get what she wants and away from me and on with the D.

Just about. DB is hard, especially in the beginning.

This is true!!! Hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life was going through this and trying to DB. the books should be coming tomorrow and I plan on diving in.

These conversations are NEVER good. What makes you think they are good? She is still full steam ahead on the D train.

yea she is pushing it for sure. CRazy thing is she is willing to pay for the Dissolution if I will go that route. Lawyer is on board and ready to start drafting documents up. She said if I dont file then she will. I have tried to get her to slow down on it but she is full steam like you said. So at this point why even try to delay the process? I feel like she made this decision and wants this so why keep trying to hold onto her and only irritating her by delaying it.

That's why you need to give her space.

Yea realizing that more every day. Hard though when we have to interact on this house selling part. Having to go through things to decide on who gets what. We have majority of it worked out but not smaller details. So just going to common rooms and going through stuff. Getting there. But hard when Im around her and all the memories pop back up and we are both talking about things. SHe is probably more focused than I am on getting it done. SHe has always been that person to just get stuff done. I am as well but emotional for me more right now. She said she has been having a hard time with the house and letting it go. but im screaming in my head "THIS WAS ALL YOU DECISION!!!"

Right now she is 100% convinced she is doing the right thing.

Yea agreed. She may realize it once she gets out. She is stubborn though and doesnt like to change her mind. Time will tell

Yep everyone on this baord has heard the same thing from friends.

Well first off you can't hold her to anything. Second off counseling would only make matters worse.

yea talked with a mutual friend of ours (his wife is my W boss and close friend). he reached out to check on me though. He thinks I should take her to Counseling to get her to reveal things that she is hiding. He thinks that she may be holding back the feeling of holding me back in my life since she said that last time we went through this. She may think she has to end this partially because she feels like she is holding me back from living my life and that may come out in Counseling. or even something else that she is holding back. Friends have all said this doesnt make sense and how fast she is pushing stuff as well.

Apparently not enough to make her stay.

100% agree here!!! not enough to make her stay. She said thats the part that hurt when she cut her dad out of her life was the memories that linger. And thats the part that will hurt with us and the life we built.

Yeah my spidey sense says there is another guy who will be at that Halloween party.

I dont feel this way. maybe your spidey sense is right though. I feel like this is last minute. I know the girl that is hosting it and the W said that she only offered because the people on her team were sad we werent doing ours and all bought their costumes. I know all the people on her team as well. friends with all of them. I honestly dont think there is OM involved. I feel like she has been involved with me for years and has been in a R for all of her 20's and half her 30's now and never got to really experience that "party" phase. She is supplementing her emotions by spending time with friends. that she wants to be "single" for a bit to not have anyone else to answer to or let know her plans or anything. Even though she does tell me her plans still about 95% of the time. Just my 2 cents there.

My thing is I need to GAL more. Hard thing is financially right now we are both strapped and spending money on house stuff and nothing else. So. trying to find ways to GAL without spending a ton of money. I want to go GAL myself on Saturday as well. Just brainstorming ideas at this point.

She wants to be with a man who makes her feel alive. You are not that man right now. You can be if you so choose but it will take a lot of work. Are you up for that challenge?

Def up for the challenge for improving myself. I know I havent been the man she has needed and I have been emotionally weak and drained for the last few years. Im sure that wore on her. I havent been alive myself the last few years. Been unhappy and depressed about things in my life and havent dealt with those things. I feel like this is my wake up call though now. For better or worse now at this point. I have things I need to focus on and work on myself. Im still lost on how to do those and what areas I feel like though. Im not sure how you address areas if you dont know or fully understand what to address ya know. I have set some personal goals. but with regards to R goals. Im not sure besides the communication and validation of feelings and not being dismissive on those.