Monday I had IC twice that day, 2 different ones. The afternoon session one asked me what the W means to me and how I see her in my life going forward. Told him that at this point I don't even care about the M. I feel like I just want to start over. The W is an important person in my life and if anything I would hope we could remain friends at the least. He suggested I talk with the W and let her know how I feel since he feels that we still have an emotional connection and she has been open in sharing what caused us to get to this point. He said I only have so much time with her living here together and not to smother her but to let her know where I stand. So I did just that later in the day. Told her that I am not trying to change her mind. I plan on working on myself and getting myself right. But told her she is important to me and I hope that we can remain in each other's lives in some capacity after the D. She asked how would I be able to handle it if she was dating another person. I told her that it would hurt right now but I could probably be okay with it eventually. She knows that would hurt me she said she isn't trying to be in any other relationships but she is the type of person who does enjoy being with someone and in a relationship. This hurt. I understand though as I'm the same way. I asked her what we looked like after we went through the D. She said we aren't dating, and that we wouldn't be doing dinner or movies or anything like that. I asked if we are friends or enemies or what. She said no you are just my X. Conversations moved to talk about the finances and commission on the selling of the house since she is a real estate agent and she is listing the house. She wasn't happy that I was getting some of the commission and said I shouldn't be. I told her that she suggested I get some of it when we talked and she said she only did that so it would be over on that debate. She said her lawyer told her she could get more from me on alimony and she brought that up. We agreed to let her have the full commission if she kept it the same on the alimony. Conversations moved to lawyers. She said that if I don't file this week that she is planning on going ahead and filing. I asked her what the rush was and she said it's not rushing. We already agreed on everything and that this is something that needs to be done. She said she is the type of person that just gets stuff done, which I agree with in general. Told her I would talk with my lawyer and get things figured out. She had an appt and said we would continue to go through things later. Can't remember how the conversation went right before she left but she said I have narcissist tendencies and gaslighting. She has said this before. So I didn't understand what she meant so looked it up when she was gone. I balled my eyes out. After reading some of it I realized that I did in fact have some of that. Not extreme but can see and understand what she meant. She came home a little later and asked what's wrong and just told her I was unaware of these things I was doing and understood things some more. She moved in to give me a hug, first time that's happened in a bit (still only 2 weeks post BD though at this point). She rubbed my head and back while hugging. I balled. I couldn't hold it in. Just hurt. Well I had to leave for my night IC. Good discussions with him. Told him what happened. He said he isn't sure narcissist applies much and feels like it gets over used more than not. He felt like things are loving really fast and haven't had time to process myself. Told me I should ask for a few weeks to process. Well I came home and she was knocked out on the downstairs couch where she's been sleeping. So I proceeded to turn off the lights and TV for her. She woke up and asked what I was doing. Told her and she just rolled back over to sleep.
Well Tuesday rolled around. She hada rough morning called and asked if she could spend money getting breakfast, we have been letting each other know money since we still have the same bank accounts together. She said she was having a Ramsey day, which means her Ramsey Hunt is flaring up causing her to get dizzy and lightheaded and she said she was having a hard time standing told her of course. I offered to bring her food or even order door dash and she refused both. My heart broke for her cause I know how she has felt. I know the effects of it kicking up. I've been with her for years and have seen it and been there to help her through the years with it. I told her to be safe driving. I reached out later and asked how she was feeñingm she said better since she ate. Told her I was glad and just kind of left it at that. Well later on she got home and wanted to go through things since she wanted to get to laying down that night. But she was in a good mood and brought me home brownies her brother made. And asked me if I could rub her neck since it was tight and it helps. Told her of course. I was in a good mood as well and kept things light. It hurts having the physical touch knowing that we can't have that intimacy. But I will take any opportunity to still touch her and this helped her. Being I still cared I rubbed her neck. Well we moved into getting things separated. She said she was having a hard time doing all of this and selling the house. She asked if I was going to be around over the weekend cause one of her friends (who I know) she wanted to go spend the night there Friday and Saturday. They are doing the Halloween party there Saturday since we cancelled our big one and her work team already bought their costumes. So one girl said she would do it at her house. And she is going to church now Sunday with her boss. Her boss said W needs a break from all of this and asked her to join her and her family. I told her of course I would be here for our dogs. Had some other stuff to do but will be around. She said it would be just easier and good for her to get the weekend to spend away with her friend. So we went through things and she wanted to go through Christmas stuff as well that night even though we agreed to do it later after the move out. She wanted it done and wanted to declutter before we listed the house. I felt like this was alot on her considering the day she has had already and indicated she wanted to lay down but she insisted. So while doing that I probably shouldn't have asked but felt I could get a combo going. I asked her what she said the other day about how she felt bad for the women who have to sweep stuff under the rug and asked why she felt that way. She said that she felt that was the only way she was able to keep going on with me during the last few years. Told her that it didn't have to be that way. That we needed to work on the communication breakdown and felt like we had a good thing that could be saved. She said she doesn't want to. I asked her why she wouldn't consider it. She said she just didn't want to. I didn't understand but left it alone on getting back together. Told her that I just wish we could blow this all up and start over. Just learn to date again and be friends. Start from there. Well she said maybe. I was thinking whoa!!! I left it alone after that. Helped her finish going through stuff. She took her stuff and left to take it to her office. Where she has been storing her stuff for now. I asked her if she needed help since I knew she still was pushing through the things she was dealing with and was wore out. She said thank you but no thank you. So I let her go. I was hungry and offered to meet up on her way back to grab something since I knew she wasnt eating much as well. She said thank you but no thank you. I went on to bed
So I'm sure I broke about almost every rule in some sense. But felt like conversation was good over all. Some good and some not. Maybe it's me holding onto hope. I have good days and bad days. Just hard to see her leaving and pulling away. Felt like the 1st week she was still close and as the time has gone on she is pulling away more. Conversations feel good starting out but seem to deteriorate as they go on even in the same convos. Not sure on everything. I know she will be moving out before I do. So trying to take advantage of that time while she is her. It hurts to see her struggle and in the same time power through things. I've always been the person there to help her. And she won't let me know. One IC told me he thinks she is pulling away and pushing things because she feels like she may go back on her decision if she doesn't push things. Talked with 2 mutual friends yesterday and they both don't understand this all either and thought we were a good couple and ones to look up to. Seems to be the norm I've heard. I'm trying to move on myself and focus on that but it's been hard with everything going on with selling the house and having her here and trying to go through things. So many memories and years of a life we built together. She said it hurts her to do this. I feel the same. So not sure what to do at this point. She is pushing the D and lawyers. I'm going to hold her to going to counseling though. She said if I sign papers then she would do counseling. I feel like there is more going on that she isn't opening up and hoping maybe going to counseling would help at least air things out some and bring some understanding. Maybe it's me not wanting to understand. Maybe shes got other reasons for this. Just taking it one day at a time right now. Bout all I can do. It hurts. Good days and bad days and some times both in the same day......
