would it be a bit of a 180 and also detaching if I were to create and send W a list of property/items for us to start divvying up? Recall this is our 2nd time discussing D and the 180 would be not fighting it and, instead cooperating by taking the initiative to start thinking about this. Doing this also seems consistent with detaching, acknowledging W's choice, and supporting her in executing that decision.
“…if I were to create and send W a list…”
I’d not promote the divorce. Let her do the heavy lifting. Don’t put huge boulders in her path, yet not pave it either. You respond to her is all.
Let her take lead on crafting a list. Then you negotiate. In the end, “we” create a list of property/items to divvy up.
Divorce is about two things, kids and assets. (Some of the following depends on your locales guidelines, which your L will guide you through.)
Custody has a default, usually 50/50, unless some circumstances warrant otherwise. This arrangement is open to negotiation as well as all the marital assets.
Something you can currently do, and should do, behind the scenes: Craft a three lists for yourself. The first is of items you will fight tooth and nail for. These are the dealbreaker “wants”, those things that you’ll take her to court for. Stuff you’ll not settle for losing. Make another list of things you don’t much care about one way or another. And a third list that is the in-between stuff. Things you like, yet not dealbreaker important.
When it comes to negotiating, keep your list of assigned importance to yourself. Let W lead and talk. Her lists, her importance, will be different from your’s. Each of the both of your’s “great” deals will appear different from each others perspective.
At times, negotiations takes some finesse. A less than amicable spouse is much more likely to agree to something they propose. Agree to something they feel they are getting a good deal on. Correction, feel they are getting the better deal on. Even then, some will would burn it all down just in spite. Reason to let them lead, IMHO.
Anyhow, aside from custody, you’ll likely find that not many items are truly on your “dealbreaker we’re going to court” list.
When crafting these lists, if you were to also place what the monetary value is beside each item, then you’ll have a better handle on things as well. It’s really good to have this homework done when you are calm and rational, instead of in the heat of the moment.
“…the 180 would be not fighting it and, instead cooperating by taking the initiative to start thinking about this.”
Fighting begets fighting. So yes, fighting is not the best productive path.
Cooperating is working towards the same end, the same goal. Be clear with yourself, you do not want the same goal as W. You don’t want to be divorced. So, you just respond to her.
Collaborating is when people work together to create something. That something is an amicable resolution to the business side of things. You can meet your goal and W can meet her goal.
Cooperating vs collaborating might sound like just wording. It’s deeper than that. W wants a divorce. You want a life after this. A future.
Her focus is breaking things up/apart. Your focus is limiting the damage.
You and W cannot cooperate as your goals are different. For you and her the outcome would be: win/lose, or lose/win, or lose/lose.
Collaboration often finds a resolution, that win/win, when there are multiple goals and focuses. Think more I’ll collaborate with her, rather than I’ll initiate and lead the collaboration.
Just some fodder for you. A mindset, a method, for working to resolve a business deal gone bad.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
