Women are no longer staying in marriages where the passion is gone yet it seems to always be the man’s fault. We (men) are supposed to take accountability and become better partners. When do they (women) take some accountability as well? I may be overly sensitive concerning this topic, tbh.
Women are no longer staying in marriages where the passion is gone yet it seems to always be the man’s fault. We (men) are supposed to take accountability and become better partners. When do they (women) take some accountability as well? I may be overly sensitive concerning this topic, tbh.
There are so many different variables but in general men are usually more accepting of passionless and sexless marriages.
The thing that stands out to me as I read books on marriage, talk with a therapist, and reflect on visits with couples counselors, is how the idea of a "walkaway wife" (as MWD calls it) surfaces as a theme. To me, there is the continuous recognition a woman can ruminate, suffer in silence, and complain but, like the tip of an iceberg above the water, chooses not to escalate the issue (either via honest, caring conversations with a partner or calling sooner for counseling, and instead decides "well, I did my best and the best solution now is to walk away". I'm over-simplifying so that this isn't a super long message. I'm also not talking about situations involving abuse, drugs, mental and physical health issues, etc. that are in a class all their own. I understand at this point a woman has expended a great deal of individual energy in PRIVATE. As we can see from this forum, there are plenty of husbands, wives, and other partners, who will do everything possible to save a relationship. So, why suffer alone until it is too late? I get that it is hard, scary, uncomfortable, etc., and that people can't always clearly see that D is often not an effective solution. But, phew, being the "left behind" partner is frustrating.
I think society is all about feelings and emotions nowadays. Logic and reasoning have taken a back seat.
We had an open house this weekend, and a few others came to see the house. No offers yet. But just in the past few days, W has commented about how hard it is to find an apartment that accepts dogs, and how her (actually my old) vehicle is having serious issues. Our (her) dog was also sick, and it cost $800 just to take her to the vet. W was in tears about all of this. I just said 'ya that [censored], I'm sure you'll figure it out'.
Still, it was a hard weekend. Being out of the house while strangers are walking through dissecting everything. Ugh
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
To me, there is the continuous recognition a woman can ruminate, suffer in silence, and complain but, like the tip of an iceberg above the water, chooses not to escalate the issue (either via honest, caring conversations with a partner or calling sooner for counseling, and instead decides "well, I did my best and the best solution now is to walk away". I'm over-simplifying so that this isn't a super long message. .
This sums up my H to an absolute tee. He must be a woman. Ha Ha. I don’t think it’s just women tbh. Maybe moreso the way they were raised and how they were raised to express emotions, deal with issues. I can see a huge amount of my H comes from his upbringing and expectations to “be a man” act a certain way, never show weakness, etc. his parents are in their 80s and very old school. A lot of my male friends have more open discussion now about their issues, such as depression, or adhd etc. so it’s not a male or female thing. I think it’s very much across the board.
I think a lot of people these days thing divorce is the answer to their problems. There’s going to be a whole generation of lonely people soon. I can only hope the tables turn again for our kids sake and they see all their parents divorcing unhappily and decide that everything is worth fighting for and that the roller coaster of life means taking the good with the bad, not bailing if it gets a bit rough
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Hi Pattnee - Yes, it is clear from many stories here that men can behave the same way...thus the use of "Walk Away Spouse" or WAS instead of just WAW. Perhaps the literature hasn't caught up because MWD specificallly talked about WAW, the John Gottman touches on it in his books, and my therapist and our former marital counselor talked to me about it specifically as a trend with women. Or, for men perhaps the walk away happens more via MLC. There is no, single right answer. I agree that divorce has become too easy and marriages too disposable. I love how MWD talks about kids being a great reason to fight for the marriage and not simply bail when times get rough. My W has social anxiety and is highly avoidant - it has made it SO tough because our problems are quite solvable (per the counselors) and she just can't seem to look inward too hard without wrecking her preferred image of herself. I hope you have a good day and am glad to know some of us are fighting the good fight to save marriages.
To me, there is the continuous recognition a woman can ruminate, suffer in silence, and complain but, like the tip of an iceberg above the water, chooses not to escalate the issue (either via honest, caring conversations with a partner or calling sooner for counseling, and instead decides "well, I did my best and the best solution now is to walk away". I'm over-simplifying so that this isn't a super long message. I'm also not talking about situations involving abuse, drugs, mental and physical health issues, etc. that are in a class all their own. I understand at this point a woman has expended a great deal of individual energy in PRIVATE. As we can see from this forum, there are plenty of husbands, wives, and other partners, who will do everything possible to save a relationship. So, why suffer alone until it is too late?
I'll admit this is the one thing I struggle with the most. My mind can't grasp it. It's like watching your house catch on fire and deciding to throw gasoline on the flames rather than call the fire department.
Last edited by Sunflyer; 10/17/2301:41 AM.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
Hi Sunflyer - Agreed. Unfortunately, we're looking for logic where it may not exist. Feelings a driving the bus, fears, negative sentiments override, and lots of other unhelpful factors. As a few posters say, one of the best strategies is to try to minimize our presence and detach so that hopefully the person 1) sees that the problems exist when we're not there and 2) starts to miss the love and support we'd been there to provide in the past. The visual of pouring gas on a house fire is spot on.
Hi Sunflyer - Agreed. Unfortunately, we're looking for logic where it may not exist. Feelings a driving the bus, fears, negative sentiments override, and lots of other unhelpful factors. As a few posters say, one of the best strategies is to try to minimize our presence and detach so that hopefully the person 1) sees that the problems exist when we're not there and 2) starts to miss the love and support we'd been there to provide in the past. The visual of pouring gas on a house fire is spot on.
One of the hardest things for me is that throughout this whole process, W has never showed one bit of emotion, remorse, etc. That's not to say that she hasn't in private, but she has been completely stoic for months. That's really bizarre for her, because she's constantly driven by her feelings, emotions, drama, etc.
I still have a very hard time discussing any of this with our son. But she is so 'matter of fact' telling him about which apartments she's looked at, how everyone's going to be 'so happy', etc. It really makes me sick.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Still no offers on the house. It looks like we missed the buying frenzy by about 2 weeks, and now nothing's moving. Ugh.
Heard through the grapevine that W is basically blaming me for everything. She's telling anyone that will listen how stressed she is about money, finding a place to live, all the house showings, car having issues, driving son to some practices, etc, and that I'm 'not helping at all'. Of course her cheerleaders are all saying 'that's why you're leaving, he's worthless! Stay strong girl, you got this!'.
This has been a constant theme throughout our relationship, and something I won't miss. She creates a problem, then blames me when I can't/won't fix it. Like, does she really think I should be helping her find a house/apartment, fixing her car, doing everything with our son (like I always did) so she can 'relax' with a few bottles of wine (like always)? I'm sure she'll think it's 'unfair' when we do move out. I"ll have 10 guys helping me, and she'll complain that she has nobody to help her.
Anyway, I'm a bit of a mess emotionally still, but pretty much laser focused on getting a house as soon as we get an agreement on ours. I've looked at a few places, have a few I really like, and filled out preliminary mortgage application paperwork. Just my luck though that I'll be buying a house (and trying to sell) when interest rates are at an all time high. lol
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
