H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[KangaB]

Pattnee thank you so much for giving me such tender advice!! Gentle yet strong. I’m very raw at the moment so it’s sunk in. I’ve read and re-read. It’s humbling to know there are people from all over the world that give so generously here and been through the pain. Oh the pain… I read somewhere on here that it’s the hard road that leads to the easy path. Not sure if I have this right. I know I can’t turn back now. It just has to change. I’m a shell of myself and I know H doesn’t like himself at the moment too.

It’s been another tough day. I miss H so much. However, I’ve done more today than I have in a couple of weeks. I did more than just having to. I mowed and mowed the lawn until I couldn’t do it any longer. I spent some quality work time with my elderly father. I volunteer for an organisation on an Tues night and helped someone. It’s been a bit of a Spiritual experience today.

It was hard… I wanted to call H and ruminated over what is going on. The Pastor reached out to he last night and I organised a time for MC. I promised I would text H over the next 24 hours about it and not straight away. So I text late this afternoon and let him know the time and if he didn’t want to go at that time, then he could organise it with the Pastor and let me know. I asked myself whether I was reaching out for the right reason or was it that I just wanted to be in touch? It was because I wanted to be in touch and then I asked myself how will I cope if he doesn’t reply? I was in so much pain, I prayed instead and then he replied. He replied with ‘that sounds good’ and asked me for the address of where to go and then thanked me. It was perfect because I wanted him to meet me there and not expect to be at my place beforehand. At the same time, I was secretly a little offended that he didn’t want to be at my place beforehand.

H had been telling me that he loves me over the past few weeks, via text and phone calls and I’ve been good not to say it as one of my 180’s. I felt compelled to text after his co operation today to say I love you too. It felt good and he replied with a I love you too. We left it at that.

I am laying very low and don’t wish to talk to H. I have nothing to say other than wanting to spew my hurt. It would not work. So I have to stay with the texts and I’ve decided to keep the door open a little bit. Contacting him when I need to and leaving it on a good note and staying away. It’s exhausting having to think in a different way all the time. I’m realising how far down I’ve gone in confidence and esteem. This is what respect for oneself feels like and I think part of the pain is realising that I had allowed H to walk all over me and not only him, but his XW and other members of his family for a long time. XW is the symptom. I’m slowly awakening to the fact that I gave into H’s way long ago and have been enabling him for a really long time. Which leads onto replying to DnJ.

Kanga