Work can be def a shot in the arm. Sounds like your GAL is going good man and causing her to realize that you have decided to go on and don't "need" her no matter what she thinks. She wants to keep you attached with her texts but vague at best. Stay focused and stay motivated. We are all here for each other. Keep on keeping on. Good luck man!
I have really been doing my best on DBing focused on getting back to work, starting to drop the rope and approaching detachment. Oh I also went dancing this weekend.
Keep at it. Focus on you. GAL. Keep moving forward.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I don’t know if the M will survive/resurrect but there has been a shift in that I don’t want to be in R with her. I am repulsed and I have anger. Now I still care about her and hope her R with our kids improves (there have been a lot of shifting dynamics there) and I am managing and dealing much better with my emotions now.
Don’t be surprised when there is another shift. The LBS’ path has lots of ups and downs, twists and turns, as one finds their peace.
Repulsion and anger will be processed and fade in time. Feel what you feel. Keep walking your path.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Just the look of respect in my close man friends’ eyes with being back at work is a shot in the arm.
Excellent!
And yes, quite a shot in the arm.
You chose this job out of all the offers. You chose it. Not for W, rather for you. Keep building upon that. Do for you.
Have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Sent the email you suggested, R2C. W didn’t like it. She sent a brief confusing email back and I replied with a brief clear one. She replied, “ I can’t communicate with you this way.”
W clarified by text that she needed to talk with me about some things about our kids and I agreed to talk on the phone. On the phone, she told me that she has been wanting to talk to me about her plans to visit our daughter and granddaughter. She told me that this idea is stressful for her, given the difficulties in her R with D. I am aware that there have been sincere repair attempts made by W in this R very recently and also I am aware that D has expressed her need to W for R with her. W said that she had been trying to talk to me about this for a week (I had no idea). W said that my email was not friendly and like something you might send to a colleague that you don’t like. I validated her emotional state and voiced support for her efforts.
W also talked with me about some of her ideas and concerns about our youngest 2 kids. She also showed interest in my day, my family, friendships and work.
I said that I had to get going. She thanked me for the call.
W said that my email was not friendly and like something you might send to a colleague that you don’t like.
Well, if the shoe fits.
Originally Posted by Rockon
On the phone, she told me that she has been wanting to talk to me about her plans to visit our daughter and granddaughter. She told me that this idea is stressful for her, given the difficulties in her R with D.
And….
This should not be some mind blowing revelation for her. Her daughter and her have had difficulties since W dropped the bomb. W doesn’t like the feel, the weight, of her consequences. Rock, not your problem to solve.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She replied, “ I can’t communicate with you this way.”
Of course, this is just she doesn’t want to communicate that way. Won’t, not can’t. A power play. Trying to exert her control.
I’d stick with email. Unlike a phone call: It’s sortable. Easily saved. And a nice record of what was actually stated. Of course, that goes both ways.
Use neutral polite wording. Stay on topic and be efficient in the necessary communication with her.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Kind, I am trying to DB. I don’t know if the M will survive/resurrect but there has been a shift in that I don’t want to be in R with her. I am repulsed and I have anger. Now I still care about her and hope her R with our kids improves (there have been a lot of shifting dynamics there) and I am managing and dealing much better with my emotions now.
Just the look of respect in my close man friends’ eyes with being back at work is a shot in the arm.
Nothing wrong with continuing on the DB path you are on. If the marriage is really done, then you will still be in a good place for your future. And your future is what matters right now, not hers. She is walking a path that will have costs. Perhaps she is beginning to understand what price she will pay for her decisions. Only she can sort out her mess. Leave her to do it--or not do it.
Perhaps she thought running away from you would fix everything. If only it were that simple. There are no winners in situations like this.
I know how painful this is for you. I am going through it all right now. But hold your head up because YOU matter, no matter what anyone else says.
I had a long talk with my sister yesterday. She lends an ear when I want to vent everything that frustrates me and hurts me about my W leaving the marriage. She summed it all up nicely.
She said, "Everybody hits the wall sometime."
Big congrats on the job!
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
All your phone call has done is give her zero motivation to get her act together. She now knows you’re firmly still in her back pocket, that your changes are to try and win her back, and that she’s free to continue what she’s been doing for well over a year now.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Your wife has moved out. Is presumably moving towards D. You need to start enacting the last resort technique.
Here are the rules of engagement:
You never reach out to her first. When she does, if she calls, let it go to voicemail. If she asks questions in the VM you can respond with texts. If she texts, only respond to direct questions. Even in your answers to direct questions you answer only the question, no pleasantries. As short as an answer as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
This ⬆️ was September last year.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Rockon, please watch out for the old trap so many LBSs have fallen into: finding excuses to not adhere to good DBing strategies.
I'd challenge that this discussion was necessary.
That ⬆️ was also in September last year.
Quote
Found out today from W that she will be traveling to have a holiday next month with OM.
That message from you ⬆️ was around the time she was going away on holiday to bang OM.
I’m genuinely interested - what is your motivation for having any communication with this low-value woman?
A year on, you’re still afraid when she stamps her feet because you didn’t reply to her text.
You hold the key to your happiness, but you think she holds it. You are so co-dependent on this woman that nothing will ever change. You’re on a terrifying rollercoaster that you hate, but you simply refuse to climb off and walk away when it pulls into the station. You’ll go around again and again if it means you can get a glimpse of the old her.
I’m a strong believer that in your particular situation, your eureka moment does not lie in DBing techniques, or hobbies, or GAL, or exercise, or carefully crafted emails/messages/phone calls or even in reconciliation which is never going to happen for you.
It lies entirely in having an ounce of self respect.
