H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[KangaB]

I can’t believe it, I spent the past hour posting and my iPad went flat and I lost the whole lot and I was just about to sign off. All meant to be!

First, I want to thank Job, Valeska, Sunflyer, Pattnee and Boat for the tough caring. It was what I needed just at the right time. And it really hurt!!!!! I just couldn’t bring myself to reply until now.

I’ve spent the past week mostly in bed, realising and accepting that my M is dead like Job said. It’s so awful. Sometimes chocolate for breakfast and just leaving dishes everywhere. Fortunately, I work for myself and can afford the luxury of doing so.

I really felt I needed to write the letter and send it—for me. Sick to death of what is going on and sick of disrespecting myself like I have. I know, I know, I wasn’t supposed to. I got the reaction from H that I thought I was going to get. I was prepared, but hoping it would sink in a bit. Though, I have to say I have felt relieved not being in the limbo that I was. I thought I was DBing, but I was just being nice and enabling H to Cake eat. I didn’t realise until now how much I have had to pull back from my M.

I haven’t been sleeping too well and I’ve lost some weight. I awake in the night and I read the forums here until I fall asleep again. It has been viciously lonely, realising and accepting that my M was way worse than I thought it was. I suspect H has gone underground with XW now that he knows that I’ve been checking the Phone usage. I have had very limited contact with him. I have not called once and it has been 2 weeks since I’ve seen him. I respond to his texts in kind and keep them short but pleasant. I keep the phone calls short if he rings and I try not to ring him back. Been a bit difficult as his step-father nearly died last week and was in ICU. I’m texting only when I need to. I’ve postponed our belated honeymoon which was supposed to be in 3 weeks OS for a further 6 months with in mind to go by myself for my 50th birthday. Oh that really hurt, because I knew H was somehow going to ruin this trip.

In desperation last week, rather than reaching out to H like I normally would, I reached out to a local pastor that I know and went to church yesterday for the first times in a few years. I reached out to the pastor and told him about what is going on and he would like to see us both to counsel us. FIL told me it’s either divorce or MC. I told H that and that I don’t want a divorce. He told me he doesn’t want one neither, but of course I don’t believe him. He has told the pastor this and my father and told them both that he loves me and wants to grow old with me. Yet, he still maintains that he hasn’t done anything wrong, has no feelings for XW and is talking about the kids only. I say BS… as he has been hiding the contact and pursuing her and neglecting our M and picking fights. I just can’t go back to the way things were, and I know he is trying to pull me back into it because it feels good for him. It is so hard to think clearly and not get caught up in the gaslighting. H has almost had me convinced I’m overreacting. Both my father and FIL have said I have to trust. What BS… I fought back and said no, H has to be trustworthy and put them in their place.

I’m finding it hard to let go, although checking on the Phone usage has stopped. I know he is in contact with XW because the times I have had to talk to him (briefly), he has picked up on her accent. I just assume now and I make sure that if I have to contact him, it’s during business hours only with in mind that he probably speaks to her in the evenings.

This is so hard. H has been telling me he loves me, but no remorse. He then gets mean and sends nasty texts. I have to say this time, there haven’t been as many nasty texts. H rings me and expects to engage in conversation like nothing has happened, even though I have told him I don’t want to talk to him. I have also told him, I don’t want to talk about our R.

So, I’m trying to look at this with a Beginner’s mind and do my 180’s. I now realise all this time up until I wrote the letter, I was trying to piece and nice my H back into the M. How can this happen when he doesn’t respect me nor our M. I look back and there are so many things that just haven’t added up and we just haven’t been in a M at all. Moments of tenderness and good times, but that’s it. There is no consistency because XW has been consistent and has changed tracks to keep him focussed away from M. I’m now thinking that our M was just a rebound from them in the 1st place. I feel like it is just a sham.

But what to do now?

So I’ve arranged MC with the Pastor, but I’m not sure if this is the right thing. First, I don’t want H to see me cry and I’m not sure being in the same room together to try and work on a M with H when he thinks nothing of what he’s doing and wants to keep XW in the marriage. The only thing is the Pastor has a fantastic rapport with men and he believes in saving M’s. H doesn’t have any close Male friends and I want him to be able to confide in another man with good morals and who takes M seriously. I really don’t think it’s going to make a difference. I’m terribly low on hope for us. I’m praying a lot and hoping that the contact with the Pastor may lead H back to his faith which he lost just before he met XW in his 30’s.

Our M is dead and it might not recover. I’m fearful of not seeing him again. I miss the good bits and the hope and dreams for our future. Oh it’s awful and so lonely without him. I’m tearing up as I write.

I just don’t know where to go from here and how to do the contact or what to do with the lack of it. How to keep the door open a little bit, but not too much that he thinks he can get it all back his way again.

The last contact which was tonight, I sent him a text after he called twice (I’m trying not to call him back) and told him I don’t feel much like talking but I appreciate that he is making an effort. He replied with I am making an effort and I will now leave it up to you to contact me. I said ‘ok’. He has not apologised for lying to me. Nothing… just that he loves me and that it doesn’t have to be this way. Then he will get angry with me when I don’t respond. So I don’t know… I know if I go back and cave in it will just get worse and I don’t want to do that. He is expecting me to come to my senses.

Where do I go from here with communication so I’m not offending but protecting myself. And what do I do about MC? I’m thinking of giving MC 6 months and see how we go. I’m not going to initiate divorce. He will have to make the effort. I’m so disappointed and hurt by him.

Today, I cleaned up the house and folded the washing. It is slightly getting better each day. I wake with dread when I realise what has happened. Firmly out of the fog and I can’t go back. I know that after reading 100’s of postings that I can only go forward. I honestly want him to snap out of it and have an epiphany. Am I wrong in any way? I’ve tried so hard since July not to react to him and be the best version of myself. Why didn’t it work? Why did he show so much neglect for our M?

I welcome the feedback and thank you to all that jumped on me when I wrote the letter and sent it.

Kanga