Yes, what you said in 2019 was hurtful to her. Not your finest moment on the heals of her diagnosis.
Totally agree here. I wasn't the best of processing emotions. Was always a person who believed in mind over heart and not letting emotions control things.
Originally Posted by DnJ
For what’s it worth, you are not the source of her pain. Your words certainly triggered feelings, yet the triggering affect of those words extinguished years ago. You cannot control her. And you are not powerful enough to cause her to continually feel a certain way. W is the source and reinforcement of her feelings. Like all people, she is owner of her own emotions. No one is responsible for how someone else feels.
Certainly, others can influence and trigger someone. Yet, one controls their thoughts, actions, and reactions. Through that, one influences themselves and exerts a control and accountability for their emotions/feelings.
Totally agree here. I realize the older I've gotten that people process emotions differently and I'm not necessarily responsible for how they process. But I do play a part in things I say and how I respond to them and feelings validation was never something I gave and always believed in moving past them and life goes on sort of speaking. I feel like she has some pain besides the things I've said that she has to work on internally. Maybe space and Counseling will help her. I will remain a support system for her though.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Sadly, she cuts out what she feels and believes is the cause and source, when she needs to look inward.
Agreed. She feels like she is cutting me out and this needed for her to heal. Just my 2 cents. She also told me that we can't be having sex because it doesn't help either of us right now in healing. Even if we did the night before. Hard to accept but understand and never want her to feel any pressure to having it.
Originally Posted by DnJ
She controls herself. You cannot flip it back. However, you can positively influence. She can slowly place the switch in a different position. That’s slowly, it’s not going to be a fast flip.
Agree here 100 percent. I feel like I can not personally flip that switch. But I feel like maybe if I get real with myself and work on myself and her the same that we may cross paths later on. One thing she always said regarding her dad and when she cut him out is that she felt like he never truly tried to reconnect. He would just call. She said if he cared that we would come her and try to speak with her in person. That resonates with me. Maybe that's something I could eventually do in a sense to help. Stay involved without being pushy and needy. But being involved and around for her. She has a good support system and has been gone a lot more since this has all gone down. Which is fine. But feel like she is processing it how she sees she needs to and being around her friends helps her. Meanwhile I'm going to focus on myself and getting myself right but still be available if she wants to talk.
Originally Posted by DnJ
DB. From this day forward. Do better. Speak better. Be better.
Apologize for your ill chosen words. (I do understand the stress you were under, still state no excuses or reasons or justifications when apologizing. And keep your apology on target, the part you control - you.)
When presented with the opportunity, validate her feelings. Sincerely.
And yes, give her time and space. She’s a lot to burn through.
Agree here. Time and space is what she needs right now. She has to process this herself and I need to work on DB. Have the DB and DR books coming this week. Plan on starting DB first. I have apologized for my words and no excuses. I don't want to keep apologizing though as she knows I'm sorry and don't want to sound overly needed. Def feelings validation needs work. Still work in progress. But feel like I've gotten a tiny bit better on it. Needs to work on that along with getting myself right. Speaking more emotional and confident is something that needs improvement on my end. Never been a smooth talker so to speak. Not necessarily in that sense for this instance. But being able to recieve and react on things said and emotions displayed is something I need to work on.
Shall see how this goes. Honestly not sure. Feels like we get through the house selling I've not said anything else about the D. Main focus is the house right now. I she is going to move out before I do here so maybe that gives her some self reflecting time. But plan on moving out myself. Wait for her to bring up the D part. And me starting a new job here in the next few weeks will be good as well. Only concern is the remote part and being isolated. Plan on going to the gym and starting in some new hobbies though to get out. Winter and holidays coming in. Going to be an interesting next few months. Hard but feel like I have to just push through and keep working on myself. And maybe she will see that and maybe we could get things back slowly. But if not then I will be okay eventually. Pain is temporary. Even if it's for awhile. We all process differently.
