Not even sure where to start

[DnJ]

Hello dl

Yes, what you said in 2019 was hurtful to her. Not your finest moment on the heals of her diagnosis.

That she wasn't going to let the wound just keep hurting and she needed to cut the source of the wound for her to heal.

For what’s it worth, you are not the source of her pain. Your words certainly triggered feelings, yet the triggering affect of those words extinguished years ago. You cannot control her. And you are not powerful enough to cause her to continually feel a certain way. W is the source and reinforcement of her feelings. Like all people, she is owner of her own emotions. No one is responsible for how someone else feels.

Certainly, others can influence and trigger someone. Yet, one controls their thoughts, actions, and reactions. Through that, one influences themselves and exerts a control and accountability for their emotions/feelings.

She said the switch she felt was like the one she gave her dad years ago that she was just fine with cutting him out. She still loves him and wants the best for him but he isn't worth the pain to have in her life.

Sadly, she cuts out what she feels and believes is the cause and source, when she needs to look inward.

That's what hurts is the memories and not necessarily him being in her life.

If the recalling of events and memories brings forth pain and hurt, one has unresolved issues surrounding it. Holding a grudge, wanting vengeance, a negative self image, and such, are all factors in how much memories and words hurt.

To illustrate, two different people can have completely different emotional responses to the same stimulus. And people vary on how long they reinforce those triggered feelings.

How an other person makes you feel ultimately lies at the core of what you think/believe about yourself. No one can make anyone feel inferior (or anything else), without their consent. Be that consent realized or not.

Not sure if I can flip it back.

She controls herself. You cannot flip it back. However, you can positively influence. She can slowly place the switch in a different position. That’s slowly, it’s not going to be a fast flip.

I'm open to whatever I can do.

DB. From this day forward. Do better. Speak better. Be better.

Apologize for your ill chosen words. (I do understand the stress you were under, still state no excuses or reasons or justifications when apologizing. And keep your apology on target, the part you control - you.)

When presented with the opportunity, validate her feelings. Sincerely.

And yes, give her time and space. She’s a lot to burn through.

D