Not even sure where to start

[dleague]

Soo kind of finally got her to open up some tonight. She had been gone all day. I don't ask or anything anymore. But she usually fills me in. Well I asked her if I could ask/ talk with her about the R just a little with a question. So my question was I understand what she said when she told me that night of BD. And I'm not here to change her mind and only she can do that. But wanted to know why or where did we break?

She told me that it was 2019. When I told her "I don't know if I can do this anymore and I have to decide if I can do this with her or need to move on". She said that broke her because she never in a million years expected me to ever say anything like that. She said I was her world and she never imagined me not being there. She said that she tried to get past it and COVID happened and it just kind of went dormant and felt like maybe she would be able to get past it. She said when she told me that the way I dealt with it hurt her as well, that I kind of blew it off like she was over reacting. But she brought up the panic attack she had in 2021. It was pretty bad and lots of hyperventilating and crying and screaming for me to not leave her. She was begging me. I didn't know where it was coming from at the time, and realize it now. Told her I was here for her and not going anywhere. She said she felt like after COVID though that things got worse and there were other minor things said that hurt her. But she said her switch and she knew was when last month we were at a friend's wedding (on my birthday). We were dancing for the anniversary song too see how long people make it up there. She said she loved dancing with me but something clicked in her and she felt bad for all the women still up there that have dealt with years of sweeping stuff under the rug. And she didn't want to be that woman. That she wasn't going to let the wound just keep hurting and she needed to cut the source of the wound for her to heal.

She proceeded to tell me that she loves me but not in love with me anymore. And that she hopes I find someone to love because I have a great love to give even though I have childhood trauma and my parents [censored] me up emotionally she said. She wants me to be happy but she said it just won't be with her and that's how she felt. Told her the same thing that I want her to be happy above everything else.

She said the switch she felt was like the one she gave her dad years ago that she was just fine with cutting him out. She still loves him and wants the best for him but he isn't worth the pain to have in her life. She said we weren't toxic and we had a lot of great memories. And that is how she feels about her dad. That's what hurts is the memories and not necessarily him being in her life.

So not sure what I can even do that this point. I feel like she had that switch flip. Not sure if I can flip it back. If so I'm open to whatever I can do. I love this woman. I never meant to hurt her or even invalidate her feelings. She said the blame lies on both of us. But she has made this decision for herself and her future. She made need to have space to heal on her own I’m guessing?