Not even sure where to start

[DnJ]

Good Morning dl

But part of me feels like maybe she is going through a mid life crisis and wants to be single to have the freedom of not having to be responsible for someone else (besides her son).

Your W is experiencing emotional turmoil. Something is hurting inside her, and there is a displayed desire for freedom from it. Unfortunately that desire to be free of pain, gets misinterpreted and misapplied against the marriage instead of looking to their internal pain.

A crisis is less wanting to be single and free of responsibilities, and more they need to be. A crisis person is driven to their behaviour. They run.

I feel like if I'm right that this is a MLC that she needs to have some time for herself to take care of herself.

36 is young for a MLC. Not unheard of, just young. There is a quarter life crisis which can occur. It is similar though somewhat less consuming. Often the QLC individual exits or moves from their crisis without figuring things out. Again, reburying their trauma(s). And things buried alive will haunt later.

If this is a crisis, W needs lots of time and space. Not some, lots! MLC is measured in years. I pray W is not along that path. Time will tell.

So here's my question. I feel like if I'm right that this is a MLC that she needs to have some time for herself to take care of herself. So is there harm with continuing the sex? Besides the emotional attachment. Can that be detached and remain "friends with benefits" after the D? I mean it may not be the best thing emotionally but if we are both doing our own thing and working on ourselves and giving space, and we are only sleeping with each other then is that a bad thing? I'm still attracted to her. And vise versa. Conversations have been good if we don't talk about R or M.

If it’s a crisis, or turmoil, or wayward, or walk-a-way, or some mixture (which is usually the case, as all have turmoil and some WAS, WS, tendencies. It’s the degree which kind of garners the label.) continued cake eating will likely prolong her path.

Friends with benefits: You didn’t have an open marriage before, do not have one now. Be the prize. You are the prize. Do not sully or partake in such. Marital problems never get better by bringing/allowing/ignoring another person into the mix.

Would W, or XW, remain exclusive? As in, she’s not see someone else too? You certainly don’t need some disease.

And my goodness if you brought another child into the world in the midst of all this strife.

dl, friends with benefits is a pretty common thought experiment and process most of us go through. It’s part of grief. The stage of bargaining to be specific. Bargaining is when one considers behaviours and actions that promote those “old” feelings. We consider all kinds of wild things, in an attempt to feel that old normal. Anything to hang on to to those wonderfully comfortable feelings of the remembered normal. Perfectly healthy progress of grief, by the way.

Once you realize that bargaining won’t bring back what you lost, you enter depression. It’s here when the weight of that loss bares upon you. Bargaining hasn’t worked. You’ve fought and been angry, and that hasn’t altered the loss either. So much to prop this up hasn’t worked. Depression feels like such a backwards step, a backwards slide to darkness and pain, when in fact it is truly forward progress.

Eventually depression gives way to acceptance. Acceptance is emotional understand. You understand your emotions regarding the situation. You accept your situation. You have peace.

That emotional tranquility is currently a little ways off. Again, all healthy normal progress. Just keeping moving forward.

Grief is a time of emotional upheaval. Lots of feelings stirred up. Lots to find peace with. Having one’s marriage blowed up is a significant loss of security and stability. We all grab onto all manner of things and ideas in the storm. As you gain more and more strength, you find your foundations. You become the stanchion of your life.

Decisions based upon emotions usually lead to regret. Grief is a time of emotions and even the absence of emotions (indifference). Look to logic and reason when making major life decisions.

Hope your Sunday is kind to you.

D