Staying the course yes, Mr P. Focused where I need to be. With the importance of my return to work success, I am scaling back on some volunteering for now and also switching from late evening hockey to early evening boxing.
Let me tell you, after work beers with the boys on a Friday afternoon taste different, better.
W sent texts yesterday and today without any questions and nothing time sensitive. No response from me.
She texted this afternoon “ I am at a loss how to communicate with you. If we are at the no longer communicating stage that’s okay but it would be helpful if I knew that so I would stop trying. “
And also “ I’d like to talk about the 6 texts I’ve sent you over 2 days “
I’d remain silent. There are no questions from W. It sounds like she is feeling something - lonely, bored, likely will get aggravated - let her.
Originally Posted by Rockon
“ I am at a loss how to communicate with you. If we are at the no longer communicating stage that’s okay but it would be helpful if I knew that so I would stop trying. “
What?!? The no longer communicating stage. My goodness, she blew passed that long ago. And she’s at a loss of how to communicate with you. She’s a grown woman, she knows how to communicate.
In my opinion, W is looking for her fix. Her supply of having you wrapped around her finger is growing low, and she’s reaching out for more. Do not take the bait.
You are actively employed. (Well done by the way.) Hockey, boxing, hang out with friends. You are busy. W knows this, and is trying to worm into your life. Let her be. Until she clearly states positive intentions, let her be. Let her feel. Let her pursue.
There are no questions in her texts, nothing that requires your attention. Do keep utilizing the 24-48 hour rule, and sort out the wheat from the chaff. Basically, you only need to speak to her about bills and kids. And your response time is based upon the urgency of such.
Action vs words. What do her actions tell you? She’s still living with her Mom. No outward movement towards reconciliation. Give time and space. Let her be.
Originally Posted by Rockon
And also “ I’d like to talk about the 6 texts I’ve sent you over 2 days “
If she cannot send a text, or six, that are not clear enough, texts that she needs to do follow up on, well you don’t need to parse together her vague-speak. If she was trying to communicate, she would.
Originally Posted by rockon
Thinking of texting back “ sure. What do you have in mind? “
Go for a bike ride. Go for a walk. I’d give yourself another day before responding.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
W sent texts yesterday and today without any questions and nothing time sensitive. No response from me.
She texted this afternoon “ I am at a loss how to communicate with you. If we are at the no longer communicating stage that’s okay but it would be helpful if I knew that so I would stop trying. “
And also “ I’d like to talk about the 6 texts I’ve sent you over 2 days “
I am looking for your guidance.
Text her this:
"I sent you an email."
Email her:
"W,
give me any more details needed about the last 6 text and I will review them. Regards, Rock"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Hey Rock - Glad to hear you continue to do well. My W has done the same thing. Will send texts that seem to simply provide information or don't ask a question and otherwise call for a response. I've started responding by saying "Got it" or "K" (as in OK) in whatever the briefest form can be just to show I am "listening". You might be direct and say, without apologizing, "Oh. It wasn't clear you wanted a response" or "I may have missed a question or that something needed a response". Maybe one of her texts could've been answered with some empathy "That sounds tough"'s hard for us to tell w/o knowing what the texts were but I hope my examples are helpful. I see others suggest you should continue not to respond, or not respond for another day or two. I agree you should wait or not rush to respond, keep the response brief, cordial, and positive. Hope the coffee and view were great! Cheers.
I’d remain silent. There are no questions from W. It sounds like she is feeling something - lonely, bored, likely will get aggravated - let her.
Originally Posted by Rockon
“ I am at a loss how to communicate with you. If we are at the no longer communicating stage that’s okay but it would be helpful if I knew that so I would stop trying. “
What?!? The no longer communicating stage. My goodness, she blew passed that long ago. And she’s at a loss of how to communicate with you. She’s a grown woman, she knows how to communicate.
In my opinion, W is looking for her fix. Her supply of having you wrapped around her finger is growing low, and she’s reaching out for more. Do not take the bait.
You are actively employed. (Well done by the way.) Hockey, boxing, hang out with friends. You are busy. W knows this, and is trying to worm into your life. Let her be. Until she clearly states positive intentions, let her be. Let her feel. Let her pursue.
There are no questions in her texts, nothing that requires your attention. Do keep utilizing the 24-48 hour rule, and sort out the wheat from the chaff. Basically, you only need to speak to her about bills and kids. And your response time is based upon the urgency of such.
Action vs words. What do her actions tell you? She’s still living with her Mom. No outward movement towards reconciliation. Give time and space. Let her be.
Originally Posted by Rockon
And also “ I’d like to talk about the 6 texts I’ve sent you over 2 days “
If she cannot send a text, or six, that are not clear enough, texts that she needs to do follow up on, well you don’t need to parse together her vague-speak. If she was trying to communicate, she would.
Originally Posted by rockon
Thinking of texting back “ sure. What do you have in mind? “
Go for a bike ride. Go for a walk. I’d give yourself another day before responding.
D
DNJ is 100% correct.
She sees maybe you’ve started to drop the rope, and she needs her fix. Her anchor check. Her “do I have this desperate, weak man still wrapped around my little finger?”
Give her ABSOLUTELY nothing.
Also, she’s a toxic and manipulative train wreck. You still trying to save this marriage?
I have really been doing my best on DBing focused on getting back to work, starting to drop the rope and approaching detachment. Oh I also went dancing this weekend.
Thank you DnJ, R2C, Boat for your input.
Kind, I am trying to DB. I don’t know if the M will survive/resurrect but there has been a shift in that I don’t want to be in R with her. I am repulsed and I have anger. Now I still care about her and hope her R with our kids improves (there have been a lot of shifting dynamics there) and I am managing and dealing much better with my emotions now.
Just the look of respect in my close man friends’ eyes with being back at work is a shot in the arm.
